


25 Days of Christmas: Holiday Fluff

by Speary



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 25 Days of Fic, Christmas Fluff, Destiel - Freeform, Fluff, Groundhog Day, Holidays, M/M, New Year's Fluff, Not a series of one-shots, Supernatural Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-04
Updated: 2015-01-01
Packaged: 2018-02-28 02:26:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 58,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2715533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Speary/pseuds/Speary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is holiday fluff, pure and simple. It is Christmas on repeat. It is a hunter and his family. It is crappy Christmas songs shared with eggnog and twinkling lights. It is what happens when an insecure man has nothing to lose because it will all just happen again tomorrow. So, he might as well be happy, right? Nebulous timeline in the bunker. </p>
<p>Now with a bonus New Year's Eve Chapter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Christmas Spirit

This is holiday fluff, pure and simple. It is Christmas on repeat. It is a hunter and his family. It is crappy Christmas songs shared with eggnog and twinkling lights. It is what happens when an insecure man has nothing to lose because it will all just happen again tomorrow. So, he might as well be happy, right?

* * *

 

The bunker was decked out in lights. The main hall with its long table was particularly festive. The table was covered in a long evergreen center piece. Through the branches were interspersed strands of red holly berries. Beyond the table there was an overly large Christmas tree propped up with dreams, for there was not one good reason for it to still be upright, leaning as it was. There was a long popcorn strand wrapped around it. The top was unadorned for now. There were plans for it though.

 

If the look of the place wasn’t enough, there were the rich aromas of the holiday season drifting into the space from the kitchen. The melting butter paired with onions and sage roasted to a warm richness, the scent of which filled all of the empty spaces. Underneath it all was the sweet scent of dessert dancing up into the air to mix with the savory meal smells that were there before. There was cinnamon and nutmeg, the smells of pumpkin pie. The table had on it, three full mugs of cider, just the apple kind, no added spike of courage. Each mug graced with a cinnamon stick to make it seem more festive. The smell of the apples rose from the mugs to join the other scents in a dancing steam.

 

The door opened and two figures stood at the top of the stairs, dumbfounded. As if the sights and smells were not enough, suddenly the room was filled with sound. The distant record sent forth the tinkling holiday tune throughout the bunker. “Jingle Bells” sung by Bing Crosby was welcoming. “Jingle Bells” sung by Bing Crosby and Dean Winchester was a very different experience, still welcoming, but certainly different.

 

Sam smiled down at the spectacle that was their home. The sights in front of him invited him forward. Cas stood at this side. “Has the bunker been breached?”

 

Sam laughed, “Not sure, maybe we should investigate.”

 

Dean came out of the kitchen hall carrying a large platter of food, singing as he walked. He caught sight of his brother and his angel and smiled at them. “Merry Christmas!”

 

“I fear that there is some form of demonic possession at play here,” Cas said with mock sincerity.

 

“I think that you're right.” The two of them made their way down to the table and Dean handed each of them a mug of cider.

 

“Drink up,” Dean said as he reached over and picked up an old Polaroid camera. He snapped a picture of Cas pulled it from the camera and fanned it back and forth in front of him.

 

“What are you doing, Dean?” Cas watched him as he walked over to the tree.

 

“Oh, nothing.” Dean opened up a tall ladder next to the tree and climbed to the top. Using a safety pin and some twine, he tied the picture to the top of the tree. “There. Now it is officially Christmas,” he declared down to them.

 

“Are you sure that he is not possessed?” Cas cocked his head to the side and leveled his gaze on Sam.

 

“I don’t know, Cas. Maybe you should check.” Sam was laughing a little as Dean came down from the ladder.

 

Cas walked up to Dean and looked at him closely. “He appears to be normal.”

 

Dean leaned toward him and said, “I am fine. I am, in fact, better than fine. I am happy.” He looked to each of them, the wide joy stretching across his face. “This holiday is the first we have had in, well ever, where we are not hunting or hunted. No one is dying, and the world is still turning.”

 

“Definitely possessed,” Sam pronounced.

 

Dean took Sam’s mug and set it back on the table, scooped him up into a big off the ground bear hug and said, “Yep, totally possessed with the Christmas spirit, Sammy. Feel the love.”

 

“Put me down, you big oaf.” Dean set him down and then did the same to Cas.

 

It was different with Cas. “Dean, I am an angel of the Lord. Put me down.”

 

“Nope. Not until you catch the Christmas spirit.” Dean laughed at Cas’ expression. Cas did not struggle the way that Sam had. He just went stiff as a board and waited for Dean to give up.

 

“I have more patience than you. I am also immortal, so eventually you will set me down or die.” Sam started laughing at the ridiculousness of the stand-off, or hug-off, or whatever this was.

 

“How did I manage to avoid the prolonged torment?” Sam smirked.

 

“You, are surprisingly less stubborn. Plus, I could already feel the Christmas spirit in you, Sammy.” Dean turned toward the kitchen, still holding Cas, mind you. “Um, so, Sammy, will you go get the rest of the food from the kitchen? My hands are kind of full.” Sam laughed even more, but he did what Dean asked. He headed off to the kitchen and Dean stood awkwardly with Cas. “So, uh, how’s it going, Cas?”

 

“You have not thought this through, have you Dean?”

 

“I don’t know what you're talking about.”

 

“So, how does this little scenario of yours end?”

 

“It ends when you get the Christmas spirit. None of this, Dean’s possessed stuff, none of this grumpy, gravely voiced stuff, none of the concerned  looks or worried expressions. You just need to be, ya know, happy.” Dean shifted a bit, and Cas maintained his stiff posture in Dean’s arms.

 

“How will you know when I have accomplished this?” Cas looked at him pointedly.

 

“I’ll know.” Dean smiled up at him. Cas smiled back, but it seemed stiff. “Nope, not real enough.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Your smile was not sincere. When you get the Christmas spirit, it will smile out of your eyes.”

 

“I may have been wrong about my patience, being greater than yours. I may have to smite you.” At that, Dean saw Cas smile from his mouth to his eyes. Leave it to his angel to find the Christmas spirit through threats of violence, however insincere the threat. He pretended not to notice it for a few moments more though. Despite the ache in his arms at holding Cas like this for too long, Dean wasn’t quite ready to give up.

 

Bing Crosby was now crooning “White Christmas” and Dean started singing along. Cas lowered his head a little and said, “Merry Christmas, Dean.”

 

And Dean felt the shift in the air around them, the subtle change of mood from one moment to the next. “Merry Christmas, Cas.” He set him down slowly and loosened his grip. He began singing again and the two of them lingered, and the evening would prove to be, as the song proclaimed, merry and bright.

 

 


	2. Holiday Loop

Dean woke up again. A new day, but not a new day. It would be Christmas soon, or maybe it wouldn’t. He had grown use to the repeating days. It had been much like Sammy had described the days that the trickster had forced him to endure. The difference here though, was that Dean wasn’t suffering. Sure, at first, he was annoyed by the way that each day seemed to be on repeat, but, gradually, he started to view each day as a challenge. How to make the day different, became his goal. The best part about it all was that, if he failed, the next day showed no evidence of it. Also, if he were successful, he would sometimes do it all again in the same way the next day, just for fun.

 

He had decided to sleep in this time. So when he finally got up, Sam was already out for his run. It was late in the day. When Dean finally got up, he stretched out toward the ceiling, let out a long sigh, and decided that today should be a day with his baby. He made his way out to the bunker’s expansive garage. The Impala was shining and majestic at the end of the row of parking stalls. He knew that it might not matter in the grand scheme of things, but he wanted to get his hands greasy, feel like he was making something work better than it had before. It did not take long before he was deeply invested in what he was doing. He was under the car with his legs sticking out of the side. He did not hear anyone enter over the noise of his music.

 

He felt a hand on his leg. It startled him enough that he sat up. That was a mistake. His head came into contact with the unforgiving underbelly of the Impala. “Damn it.” He slid out and found himself looking up at Cas. “What the Hell, Cas?”

 

“Sorry, Dean. You didn’t respond when I spoke.” He stooped down to Dean’s level, almost.

 

Dean got up then. “So, what’s up?”

 

“Your brother said that there was a little case that he wanted to investigate in town. He asked if I would like to help. I am here to help.” Cas was more matter-of-fact in his delivery than usual.

 

“How about if you and I check it out, spare Sam the trouble?” Dean got up then and wiped his hands off on a rag in his back pocket.

 

Cas seemed reluctant. Then he seemed to change, “I don’t know all of the specifics, but okay.” They headed up and out of the bunker with no further discussion. Dean hadn’t even considered the fact that he had left his car to head to Cas’ car.

 

“Hmm, maybe we should go get my car, Cas.”

 

“No. I want to drive.” Cas got in and they headed into town. On the way, Dean catalogued the many issues that needed to be addressed in Cas’ ride. Transmission, so bad. Shocks, even worse. Timing belt, maybe. Spark plugs probably need replacing too. Well, Hell, the whole damn thing needs to be replaced. It was then that he had figured out what to get Cas for Christmas if Christmas would ever come.

 

They rounded a corner and the squealing sound was painful. They pulled into a parking space at a near empty strip mall and Cas explained the case that Sam had found. Cas sounded odd. He was vague, as if he were making the case up on the spot. Dean looked at him and wondered if he should be concerned. He had claimed that there was a haunting in one of the once empty shops that now housed a Santa Photo Experience.

 

“Hmm, so we need to take out a ghost while kids are waiting to get their pictures taken with Santa? That sounds problematic, at best.” Dean looked into the storefront and saw nothing too disturbing, beyond what was usually disturbing in a holiday that involved planting children on a candy giving stranger’s lap. “Cas, I don’t see anything here that is disturbing. The place is practically new too. I don’t think that there's a case here.”

 

“Hmm. Maybe not.” Dean still wondered why Cas seemed to be off, but he didn’t question it out loud. Dean’s stomach growled. It was rather loud in the accompanying silence. “You are hungry.”

 

“Yeah, I got to work on the car and didn’t eat breakfast first. Mind if we stop off over at the diner there, get a bite to eat?”

 

“That would be fine.” Cas walked off ahead of Dean toward the diner.

 

“What would you like to do for Christmas, Cas?”

 

“I have no desires. I just need to get back to the mission. I need to find something good to do again.”

 

“You do plenty of good, Cas.” They went into the diner and took a booth at the back. They both sat in a way that gave them each a view of the exit. This put them both on the same side. It could have been awkward, but it wasn’t. Dean glanced at the menu and made a snap decision. Steak and eggs. Cas just wanted coffee.

 

“What do you want to do for Christmas, Dean?” Cas tilted his head a little to look at Dean’s face.

 

Dean thought about it a little before he answered. He had had a lot of time to consider his answer, since holiday season seemed like it would never end. In the distance he heard Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” playing and he thought about how it had played out in the bunker the other day. “I want everyone to be happy and together. I would like for us to all sit down at the table, drink some nog, eat some ham, and maybe unwrap some presents.”

 

“That sounds very traditional,” Cas responded.

 

“I guess so.” Dean considered for a moment then continued. “I guess that you might not be here for that though, since you have your mission and all.”

 

“I do not know what my future holds.”

 

“Maybe, you could pencil in a little time with Sam and I on December 25th.” Dean sounded hopeful and not, all at once.

 

“Okay.” Dean smiled at him, and then he noticed that Cas sounded tired.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“I believe that there are expectations on holidays. What will be expected of me?”

 

“Just be there, Cas. That’s all. Just be there.” Dean reached over and patted Cas’ arm, a friendly gesture meant to show that he didn’t need anything more. Cas looked up at him and back down at the hand on his arm.

 

“Okay, Dean. I’ll be there.” Their food came and they did not linger over it. They walked out afterwards feeling the cold winter wind on their faces.

 

“Wow, cold. It wasn’t this bad when we first got here.” Dean was not wearing his jacket, but he refused to take Cas’ even when he nearly forced it on him. “I’m good, man.”

 

“No, you are not. Take it.” Cas was more forceful now.

 

“Fine.” But he didn’t fully commit. The coat hung over his shoulders like a cape and Cas just scowled at him all the way back to the car.

 

“You are difficult, and stubborn.”

 

“Like that hasn’t been obvious the whole time that you have known me.” Dean smirked, but it was half-hearted as he was still stupidly cold. They got into the car and Cas cranked up the heater. It blasted out a cool air that only added to Dean’s misery. “Just get the car moving. I’ll warm up eventually.” Dean shivered while he spoke. The temperature must have dropped ten degrees. The wind hadn’t helped matters.

 

“Here.” Cas reached out and snatched up Dean’s hands. Dean didn’t fight him. He was too cold. He held them pressed in his own hands prayer style.

 

Dean laughed a little at the irony of their hands, his own sandwiched in the middle of Cas’. Then Cas leaned down toward them. “What are you doing?”

 

“Breathing.” Cas blew out a warm gust of air over Dean’s fingers. He repeated the breathing several times. Dean felt warmth spread through him. “Are you still cold?”

 

Yes. But he couldn’t really claim that. In fact, he was incredibly warm. Instead he opted for silence and staring. He watched Cas leaning over his hands breathing over them and he just couldn’t speak. Cas looked up at him while blowing out another warm breath across his fingers. Surely he can tell that they are warm now.

 

“Are you still cold?” He repeated, hands still pressed to Dean’s, lips still puffing out little wisps of air.

 

“No, Cas. Not cold.” He thought that he should say more, but what. Cas leaned back up, still holding his hands a little, then he released him. _Now I’m cold._ But instead he just said, “Thanks,” and pulled the coat, that was still just acting as a cloak a little closer to his neck.

 

“I am glad that you want me to spend Christmas with you and Sam.” Cas stared ahead and then started the car. He backed out slowly and Dean watched him.

 

And since the days seemed to be looping along spectacularly, Dean thought about the steps this morning that had lead them to this place. He wanted to repeat this, like he had repeated the day before. He made a mental note, and smiled at it all.

 

Later that afternoon, after Sam had returned. He overheard Cas’ words to him. They were not meant for his ears. “I am not good at lying to Dean, but he bought it. We’ll have to go get him his present tomorrow.” Dean headed back to his room with a chuckle. He would have to remember to let them have time for their little plans in the future.

 

 


	3. Dashing Through the Day

Most days, when he woke up, Sam had already left for his morning run. He discovered something though, when he chose to get up extra early, and that was that Sam checked up on him. He had discovered it when he was laying in the bed staring up at the ceiling at 6 am. He was debating about whether or not to get up or just keep pretending that sleep was possible. He had heard his door open just a crack. Sam’s floppy mop of hair poked into the room. He did not fully enter, but just seemed to be checking up on Dean to make sure that he was there or something.

 

This got Dean’s gears turning. He considered the humor that would come if he hid just a little and jumped out at Sam in the dark. Normally, he would consider this a stupid joke, and one that could get him seriously injured. Although he considered himself to be the better hunter, he would not normally want to risk injury to himself or Sam. However, since this day would likely just loop back like all of the others, he thought that it would be worth the risk.

 

He crept out of the bed and pressed himself against the wall just behind where the door jam was. If Sam peeked in, like he knew he would, he would see Dean’s empty bed. He would be confused. Dean would jump out and then hilarity would ensue when Sam’s big girl screams filled the bunker.

 

Simple. Dean waited. The sound of Sam’s movements down the hall alerted him. Then the door opened a little. Then, “What the…” Sam entered the room more fully. Dean sprang at him in an awkward tackle move.

 

Sam was down on the ground, but he fought back. Dean wasn’t sure when it became scary for Sam, but as soon as awareness dawned on him he quickly released his brother and moved away. “It was a joke, Sammy.”

 

“Shit, Dean. Not funny.” Sam was breathing hard now, sitting up against the wall opposite Dean.

 

Dean could see the stress playing out on Sam’s face, even in the dark room. “Sorry. I heard you creeping up on the room, and I just thought that it would be funny to scare you.”

 

“Yeah, well you thought wrong. Our lives have enough organic scares thank you very much, and one of them very recently, I might add, was you.” Sam was getting control of his breathing and seemed to regret some of his words, because he dipped his head down to his knees.

 

“Sorry, I wasn’t thinking.” Dean felt a little ashamed. He wanted to make it up to him immediately. He knew, for sure, that this day would not go into the repeat category. “How can I make it up to you?”

 

Sam got up. “Don’t worry about it. I am just going to go on my run.” Sam stalked out of the room, but Dean followed him.

 

“Did you eat breakfast yet?”

 

“No, I usually eat after the run.”

 

“Why don’t we change that up. I’ll make you some breakfast, and then you run.”

 

Sam looked at him like he wanted to say no, but Dean looked like he really wanted to do something to make up for things, so Sam went along with the plan. “Okay Dean.”

 

It was not his greatest breakfast ever, but Dean put out a full complement of eggs, meat, and toast along with coffee, rich and fragrant. They talked and things seemed to be back to normal with them. “So, do you have any big plans today?” Dean already knew that Cas would be coming over to supposedly work a case with Sam, but he wanted to keep up the talking anyway.

 

Sam looked down at his wristwatch then. He let out a low frustrated sigh. “Damn it. I guess that I won’t be getting my run in. Cas is due here any minute.”

 

“You could still run. I’ll keep him company until you get back.” Sam smiled at Dean and then looked past him to the doorway.

 

“He’s just standing back there like a creeper, huh?”

 

“Yup.” Sam’s replied quickly. Cas came more fully into the room.

 

“Hello, Dean. Hello, Sam.” He lingered at the side of the table awkwardly. “Are you ready to go, Sam?”

 

“Yeah, just let me change. I didn’t get my run in today.” He stood to head off for his room.

 

Dean interrupted, “Really, just go do it. Cas and I don’t mind waiting.” He looked at Cas then for support.

 

“Or we could run with you. I have often wondered at the feelings associated with running. The runner’s high, the increased endorphin levels, plus there is the overall fitness that one achieves from regular exercise.” Cas turned his attention to Dean. “I think that you would benefit from this pastime.”

 

Dean looked at Cas, a little appalled.  “Are you calling me fat, Cas?”

 

“No.” He leveled his eyes on Dean’s middle and then swept his gaze up to Dean’s face. He felt himself flush red under the scrutiny.

 

Sam was barely containing his mirth at the doorway, “Well, if you all are going to join me, then you better get changed into more appropriate clothes. I’m leaving in ten minutes with or without you.” He strolled off down the hall and out to the main entryway.

 

Dean stood and followed a little, but made a turn down the hall to his room instead. Cas was following. “Seriously, dude. Next time you think that it is a good idea to volunteer me for a run, don’t.”

 

“I don’t get why this is a problem.”

 

“Nevermind.”

 

Dean went into his room and looked through all of his drawers for something that might be appropriate for a mid-winter run. He found his old P.E. teacher uniform, from a bygone case, buried deep in one of his drawers. He pulled it out and considered the weather. It would get cold later. The shorts were incredibly short. He considered it more. They would likely get back before the major temperature drop. He reached into another drawer and fished out a pair of sweats and a tee shirt. He tossed them over to Cas. “Here. Put these on. There’s shoes over there.

 

They each got changed in silence, backs to each other. Dean peeked over his shoulder, subtly. Cas was already dressed, though, and was tying his shoes. Dean stepped up the pace and pulled the red gym shorts on, zipped them up, and plopped down on the bed to deal with his shoes. He bent down to tie his shoes and noticed that Cas was watching him. He sat up and returned the gaze. Cas looked away, but said, “Your outfit will not be warm enough.”

 

Dean laughed. “Exercise makes you warm.”

 

“We should exchange outfits. I do not get cold.” Cas looked a little serious.

 

“No, Cas. This will be fine.” Dean also looked down at the outfit and realized that he would have issues with seeing Cas in this tight fitting get up. _Cas in baggy sweats, far easier to deal with._

 

They met up with Sam and headed out for the run. Sam had a route. He was insane. Dean remembered after the first mile, why he hated running. Sam had said that it would be a five mile run. If his head weren’t swimming with thoughts of dying, Dean might have been able to enjoy the run more. Cas was running alongside him. He was not winded, because, angel. He wasn’t even sweating. _He could at least pretend for my sake, geesh._ Dean kept up with the pace though.

 

Then Sam pulled away and seemed to be making this a race. Dean was not sure how many miles in they were at this point, but it was enough that he could imagine the end as a clear possibility. Then the endorphins kicked in, or maybe it was just that the view had changed. Cas pulled away from his side and sped up to catch Sam. He was going to make this race with Sam a thing.

 

Dean sped up. He was behind Cas by a few beats. Their feet pounding out a steady rhythm into the concrete. Cas’ form was graceful with each rise and fall of his steps. Dean had forgotten that he was tired. He had forgotten his desire to quit. He just stared straight ahead and ran toward Cas. He had a single-minded focus. Call it endorphins, call it a runner’s high, call it what you will, but Dean felt swell. Really fucking swell.

 

Cas did not catch up to Sam. He had slowed down in the last leg of the run, and dropped back alongside Dean. They took the last 50 yards back to the bunker on side by side. Dean cast a glance to his left. He swore he heard Christmas music playing when he got back home. He did not. Sam had put on “We are the Champions” at full volume and let it great Dean and Cas as they walked in. “Well, it ain’t “White Christmas” but it certainly is celebratory enough.” Dean smiled and huffed down into the sofa, music cascading through the halls. Cas sat next to him and smiled. _Looks like another day worthy of repeating._

 

 


	4. Sick Day and a Holiday Film

There were some days when Dean was just too tired to do much of anything. Thinking through the ways that each day could play out managed to make him utterly exhausted by mid-afternoon, if he didn’t find ways of taking it all down a notch. That was how he came up with his plan for a sick day.

 

A few days ago, he had been looking through the stacks at some of the ancient books when he had come across a few old film reels. He decided to add this to his plan. _Keep it simple._ He kept thinking this because it didn’t take much to make the day overly complicated. He did not want that to happen.

 

Sometimes it was hard to remember what it had been like before. Before the endlessly repeating days. Sometimes he forgot that Sam and Cas would have no memories of some of the better days. It was frustrating,and thus added to his need to just take it easy for a day. He got up and tip-toed out to the kitchen. He heated a mug of water in the kettle on the stove. He planned to give himself the appearance of a temperature.

 

The kettle of water boiled, and he poured it into a mug, let it cool a little, then drank it down in big gulps. He stopped off in the bathroom splashed hot water over his face. He started to dry off, intending to only heat himself up a little, then he decided that the water gave him a sweaty look that could work to his advantage.

 

He scurried back off to his room and got under the covers. Sam came in a few minutes later to do his morning check. Dean spoke. “Hey, Sam.” He tried to make his voice sound like a croak of pathetic.

 

“Dean?” Sam came into the room more and looked down at his brother in the dark.

 

“I think that I might be coming down with something.” Sam reached out and placed a hand on his forehead, feeling the wet and the warmth there.

 

“Eww. You feel kinda gross, Dean. Did you eat something bad last night?” Sam wiped his hand off on his pants.

 

“I don’t know. Do you think that we can take it easy today?” Dean was hoping that he could sound just pathetic enough to get Cas and Sam to stay in. He also wanted soup and a movie. That was his simple plan. Other days were more complicated, but this one felt doable. Because, although, Dean was part mother hen, he knew that Sam craved the quiet domesticity of the caregiver role nearly as much. And just this once, Dean wanted to give that role to Sam.

 

“Sure we can take it easy, Dean. Let me go get you something to drink. You look like you are sweating out like a gallon of water.” Sam left and Dean ran a hand over his face, back into his hair. _Guess the water worked._

 

The morning swiftly passed with Sam mother henning him the entire time. He did not go on his run, but instead made breakfast. Sam had set up a comfy spot on the sofa for Dean and gave him his breakfast on a tray. He had stayed on the sofa relaxing and reading. Occasionally, Sam would show him some silly thing or another on his laptop. Mostly, they just lazed around and kept each other company. It was nice. It wasn’t until mid-afternoon that Dean had realized that Cas had not shown up at the usual time.

 

“Where’s Cas?” Dean asked. Sam had packed pillows around him to help keep him comfortable, and now came over to plump them up a little more.

 

“Oh, I told him that we would take care of the case later, that you were not feeling well,” Sam said and then went back to his seat across from Dean.

 

“So, he didn’t want to come over then?” Dean tried not to sound disappointed. This was not a part of the plan. He wanted to watch one of the old movies that he had dug up. He had wanted to have both of them there. This should have been easy.

 

“I guess that he needed to take care of some other things. I don’t know. I didn’t ask.” Sam went back to staring at his laptop.

 

Dean started to get up then. “I’m going to go get some soup.”

 

“No, you stay here. I’ll make it.” Sam swiftly got up then and pushed Dean back into the sofa. “You just rest.” With that Sam headed off to the kitchen. Dean hoped that he would find the tomato soup and know to add the rice like mom use to do. While he waited he scooped up his phone. He stared at it for a while and debated about whether or not to call Cas. He listened to Sam clanking around in the distant kitchen for a few minutes more.

 

He decided to call Cas. He answered in one ring. “Hello, Dean.”

 

“Hello, Cas.” He didn’t have anything to say. He started fishing around for a productive angle to take, and could not find one.

 

“Are you still feeling sick?” His voice was deep with concern.

 

“A little.” Dean tried to add the same croaking tone of pathetic to his voice that had worked so well that morning. It seemed to work again.

 

“I am going to stop in.” Cas sounded like he was in his car. There was music in the background and the noise of the road. He thought that he heard the horrible screeching noise that the car made with each turn.

 

“No, you don’t need to do that. Sam said that you were busy. I just wanted to say hi.” He sounded really pitiful now. It brought a little smile to his face, the manipulation.

 

“I am not busy, Dean. I am coming by. I am almost there now.” Cas’ car made another appalling noise and Dean mentally vowed to get to work on this vehicle.

 

“Are you listening to Christmas music, Cas?” Dean thought that he was hearing a familiar tune over the noise of the car.

 

“Sam gave me a cd. It is a mix of holiday songs. He said that it was required listening.”

 

“Sounds like “White Christmas” by Crosby. That song keeps on playing around here too.” Dean forgot to sound pitiful and adjusted at the end. “So, I’ll see you when you get here. We are going to watch old Christmas movies.”

 

“Okay, Dean.” He hung up and Dean smiled at the phone. He did not see Sam standing in the doorway until he cleared his throat.

 

“So, talked to Cas?” Sam set a tray on Dean’s lap with tomato and rice soup and sat back in his seat.

 

“Yeah, he’s coming over.” Dean started eating and avoided eye contact. Sam was giving him an odd stare down, his lips quirking up into a slight smile.

 

“Okay then.”

 

“What?” Dean felt a little defensive.

 

“Oh, nothing. It’s just funny.”

 

“What’s funny?”

 

Sam leaned forward a little and smiled at Dean. “You know.” And without another word he leaned back and picked up the laptop again.

 

“I don’t know what you're talking about.” Dean huffed out as he started diving into his soup.

 

“You do and it is obvious. Now, you don’t want to talk about it, so eat your soup and then tell me about this movie night that I heard you telling Cas about.”

 

Dean didn’t know if he should deal with the first half of the statement or the last. Since the first involved way more discussion than he ever wanted to have about feelings and such, he went with the secondary path. “I found some old Christmas movies down in the stacks. They had _White Christmas_ and _It’s a Wonderful Life_. I thought that maybe you could hook up the projector, and maybe we could watch a couple together.”

 

“You mean, you want me to hook up the projector so that you can have a date night with Cas?” Sam smiled over at Dean again.

 

“Jerk.”

 

“Ah, you know you love me.” Sam adjusted in his seat again. “Sure, I’ll set up your little movie.”

 

“I meant for all of us to watch a movie together. It isn’t a date. I don’t…”

 

Sam interrupted, “Stop worrying Dean. I am just messing with you. Not that it would be a problem if you needed a little help or something.”

 

“Oh, shut up.”

 

“I’m just saying, if you need me to give you and Cas a little quality alone time during the film, just give me the wink.”

 

“Oh, God kill me now. You just won’t quit. I do not need you to set up quality alone time with Cas. So, shut up already.” Then he noticed that Sam wasn’t looking at him anymore. He was looking up at the entryway. “He is right there isn’t he?” Sam nodded with a shit-eating grin. _Son of a Bitch._ He tipped his head back and saw Cas standing there. “So, hey Cas.”

 

“Hello, Dean. You don’t seem so sick.” _Good old Cas, always ready to ignore the awkward._

 

“I’m feeling a little better now. We're going to watch movies if Sam sets up the projector,” Dean shared.

 

“Will Sam be watching movies with us?” Cas asked as he took a seat on the far end of the sofa, by Dean’s feet.

 

Dean choked a little and didn’t know how to respond at first. “Yeah.”

 

“Well, unless Dean gives me the get lost wink.” Sam laughed as he dodged the soup spoon that Dean flung at him. “Hunter reflexes, Dean. You are going to have to do better than that.” Sam laughed again and went off to get the projector.

“So, you are feeling better, Dean?” Cas tipped his head to the side and stared over at him.

 

“I’m better, but I’m taking it easy.” He tried to sound convincing. He felt awkward though, so he didn’t try very hard.

 

“That is good. I was concerned.” Cas looked back down at his feet.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you. It’s just a little cold, I think.” Dean slumped down a little. He felt kind of bad about worrying Cas. _He had enough on his mind with all of the heaven drama. At least this day would wash away, and I can do it over in a less selfish way,_ he thought. Cas moved his hand up onto Dean’s leg then and rested it there.

 

“It is okay, Dean. I am just glad that you are okay.” He threw a smile at Dean and they just sat there waiting for Sam to come back. Dean was very conscious of Cas’ hand on him and Cas seemed determined to sit for a long silent time with him. Dean thought about talking, but he could not think of anything that was worth saying. He just let the moment stretch out.

 

Sam eventually came back in with the projector and the films. It took Sam awhile to set up the projector, but eventually they were all fully invested in _It’s a Wonderful Life_. Dean sat up on the sofa with Cas at his side and Sam on the far end, where his feet had once been. _Yeah, stay over there. Not forgiven yet._ Dean sent him a little scowl, and Sam just winked back as if he were trying to encourage the behavior in Dean. Dean just scowled at him even more, if that was possible.

 

“Move over some more, Cas. I want to stretch out.” Sam waved his hand over toward Dean. He made eye contact with Dean and gave him a silly little smile. Cas moved closer to Dean. In fact, he was pressed right up next to Dean’s side. Cas seemed to be entirely unconscious of the closeness. He was rather focused on the movie.

 

Dean was very conscious of the closeness. In fact, he could not concentrate on anything else. Cas’ leg was right up against his, and if he moved just a little it produced a pleasant little sensation that shot through his own leg and into the rest of him. He shifted a bit, noting the way that their arms were aligned. The feeling there was much like it was in his leg. He smiled. He felt warm. He thought about tossing aside the blanket, but that would mean losing contact. It was too warm though.

 

Cas looked over at Dean as he shifted about again and said, “Are you uncomfortable?”

 

“No, why?” Dean asked, making eye contact. They were so close.

 

“You are moving a lot.”

 

“I am just warm.” Dean answered honestly.

 

Sam decided to pipe up then, “Why don’t you share the blanket with the rest of us, then you won’t be as hot.” Sam was looking pretty pleased with himself. Dean wanted to throw more stuff at him.

 

Instead of throwing things though he just said, “Sure.” Then he lifted the edge of the blanket and stretched it out past Cas toward Sam. Sam pulled the little corner of it up to himself a bit. It shouldn’t have been possible, but Sam looked quite pleased with himself now. Cas hunkered down into the blanket somewhat and Dean could feel his hand laying placidly at his side now. He felt himself leaning toward it, as if the covering that the blanket provided was all that was needed to release him from his edge of the sofa more fully.

 

Cas' hand moved up when he leaned toward it. He could not tell where it had gone. For a brief moment, he thought that the movement was Cas edging away from him. It felt like it might be rejection. His thoughts shifted though when he felt Cas' hand slip onto his leg. Cas did not look at him. He maintained his focus on the film. “Sam, we need popcorn.” Dean looked past Cas to Sam. Sam did not move from the seat.

 

“Good for you and your needs.” Sam pretended to find the movie the most fascinating thing ever.

 

“You want to go get us some popcorn?” Dean was trying not to sound like he was begging. He just wanted to get Sam out of the room for a few minutes. _Why can’t he just go along with this?_

 

Sam was leaning forward then. Dean thought that he was going to get up to retrieve some popcorn, but, instead, he just turned his head and winked. He waited for Dean to respond with a wink of his own. A wink that said, get lost little brother. Dean was not giving that to him. He did not want to give him the satisfaction. Cas turned to Sam as he was winking and then turned to Dean. Dean just shrugged. Cas turned back to Sam and winked at him. “Now go get some popcorn for your brother,” Cas said this calmly. He turned back to his movie. Sam got up and left the room.

 

Dean shifted about a little again. Cas’ hand still rested right there on his leg. “So, Cas, what was that about?”

 

“What do you mean, Dean?”

 

“I mean, what was that little business with Sam? You winked at him.” Dean was trying to figure out how much of the last five minutes was conscious.

 

“You are going to get popcorn.” Cas looked at him. So close, and Dean wanted to be brave. He wanted to take a risk, but he just hadn’t managed to get his mind past all of his little issues. Instead, he just turned back to the film.

 

He did lean more into Cas. He may have even covered Cas’ hand with his own. Sam poked his head back around the corner then and said, “I’m going to head off to bed you two.”

 

“Where is Dean’s popcorn?” Cas asked with an air of irritation.

 

“Oh, um, we’re all out. Sorry. Anyway, I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” Sam turned quickly and headed off toward his room.

 

Dean wondered if Cas would slip away from him now that Sam was not taking up space at the edge of the sofa. Cas didn’t move away though. He stared more at Cas than at the movie. He curled his fingers up around Cas’ hand, still on his leg. It was a bold move. Cas squeezed back. That tiny twitch of nervousness bounced about in his stomach. It was the feeling one gets before a fall, the tightening of muscles preparing for impact. The movie eventually ended with the flipping noise of the flimstrip slapping the edges of the reel. Neither of them got up to address the projector.

 

“So, I guess you’ll be going to bed now,” Cas said.

 

“Yeah, I guess it is that time.” Dean felt Cas’ hand slip away and the warmth of the moment left him a little. The projector was on a little stand just past Cas, behind the sofa. Dean leaned past Cas and flicked the switch. It was an awkward position, but Cas moved back into the sofa to accommodate for Dean’s move. Dean came back to his original position, slowly. He kept his eyes on Cas the whole time. Cas watched him too. Dean watched him swallow a little. The way that his throat seemed to roll a bit made Dean wonder what it would feel like to press into it. He was starting to grow too comfortable with these thoughts. Dean dialed it down a little. Cas started to get up, and Dean grabbed his arm before he got too far. He leaned over and pressed a soft, chaste kiss to his cheek. “Goodnight, Cas,” Dean whispered.

  
Cas’ hand came up to Dean’s free hand. He kissed Dean’s cheek too. It was as if he was following Dean’s lead. Dean wanted to lead him down a longer path, a path that lead to his room, or any number of places that he had already considered around the bunker. It was not quite something that he was altogether ready for yet though, so instead he got up and made his way to his room. He turned at the hall and looked back at Cas. “Goodnight, Dean.” And if Dean didn’t know any better, he would have sworn that Cas had winked at him. _Couldn’t be. I am just tired._ But he wasn’t tired. He was quite awake, and he would be for many hours to come.


	5. Snow Fall

The days should have been modestly predictable. Sam checks on him, Sam goes for a run, Dean makes choices about how the day runs, Sam returns, Cas shows up, and Dean’s choices from earlier set the evening into motion. Dean woke up late and could only assume that Sam had already checked on him. He had not done anything important while Sam was out. He had not made plans. Truth be told, he was running out of unique plans. He thought about having a mindless day in which he just didn’t plan anything.

 

He grew bored pretty quickly and decided to have a redo day instead. He considered his options. Super Christmas and Cas hugging. Movie night and Cas’ hand. Running and Cas taking the lead. Diner time with Cas, or better yet time in the car afterwards. All of these options, though, required that Dean start planning and setting things in motion early in the day. It was already the early afternoon so redo options could not be accomplished.

 

He felt disappointed in himself. He made his way out to the long conference table and thought about reading one of the books that were languishing there. _Nah, there’s always tomorrow._ Then he chuckled to himself. _Where’s Cas?_ He should be here by now. Dean was growing bored and fidgety. The door to the bunker opened and Sam came in. Dean looked surprised. Sam just stared at him, confused. “What’s up, Dean? You look like you've seen a ghost.”

 

“You just startled me. I thought that you would be Cas.” Dean was mentally traveling over the timeline of each day and he couldn’t see how this day had managed to take a detour. Cas should have shown up first.

 

“Why would I be Cas? Did you two make plans?” Sam came over to Dean looking a little smug with his questions, like he was trying to say something more.

 

“No plans, it’s just that I knew that you two had made plans to check up on a case in town.” Dean tried to explain while considering the timeline shift.

 

“We do have plans, but Cas called and told me that it might need to happen a little later.”

 

“Is everything okay?” Dean shifted his focus. "Is Cas okay?"

 

“I think that he was just taking care of some heaven mission stuff. I don’t know. He didn’t say.” Sam didn’t sound concerned. He started heading off toward the back hall to change.

 

Dean thought about the shift again and asked, “Hey, Sam? What did we do last night?”

 

“Uh, are you okay, Dean?” Sam came back over to him.

 

“Yeah, just humor me.” Dean tried to sound casual.

 

“We got back late from the tree farm after taking down Frau Perchta. Really, Dean, how could you not remember that? Are you okay?” Sam reached up and pressed the back of his hand to Dean’s forehead. “You don’t feel like you have a fever.”

 

“I’m fine. I just wanted to make sure that I was remembering things right.” He shifted away from Sam.

 

“You sure? Maybe she put a whammy on you. I should have asked. You seemed okay, when I checked on you this morning.” Sam sounded worried.

 

“Really, stop worrying. I am sorry that I asked.” Dean started to head off to some other part of the bunker in order to end the conversation. Sam huffed out an exasperated breath of air and headed off to his room.

 

Dean made it back to his room, but he didn’t know what to do once he went there. He scooped up his phone. _Call Cas._ He wanted to do this. He also felt like he was missing something. _Why wasn’t Cas here? What had changed things?_ He was freaking out a little. He had gone through so many days and all of them had included Cas and Sam. All of them had been happy. He was nervous now. He didn’t call Cas. He waited. He did not want to interrupt Cas’ mission. He also wanted to see how the change played out.

 

The evening descended upon him. He was growing more and more restless. Cas still wasn’t there. Sam went out and got some burgers and fries. Dean ate it without tasting it. Sam put on some Christmas music while they ate. “Turn that shit off.” Dean grumbled out.

 

“Grinch.” Sam laughed at him, but he didn’t turn it off. After a time he added, “Why don’t you just call him?”

 

“What are you talking about?” Dean pushed back from the table and cleared away the remnants of the meal.

 

“Obviously, you're moping around because Cas didn’t come over. Just call him. Check up on him. Ya know. Make sure his little mission went alright.” Sam was making sense, but Dean did not want to give him the satisfaction.

 

Instead he said, “I’m going outside for some air.” Dean headed for the door, grabbing his jacket as he went. It was damn cold outside, and he needed that to snap his mind out of this funk. He hadn’t realized it, but the world outside was a showcase of winter. Sam had turned up the Christmas music so the crooning sounds of “White Christmas” were spilling out of the bunker into a real white Christmas landscape. He let the door close behind him, but it only muffled the music a little. “Why aren’t you here, Cas?” He said out into the night. His mouth formed little puffs of steam that danced about until they were gone. He felt the chill of the night air on his fingers and the chill was starting to travel up his hands and into his arms. He hugged himself a little, rubbing his hands up his arms. “I missed you today, buddy.” He added the buddy just to keep the words from sounding too much like a chick flick.

 

He did not know how long he had stood out there, but the songs inside had changed a few times. Sam had put on some new album now, still Christmas music though. He was pretty sure that he was hearing something in the lyrics like “It’s Christmas baby, please come home” or something like that. Then _hallelujah, hallelujah_ , the familiar headlights from Cas’ car illuminated the world around Dean. Cas got out of the car and strode over to Dean, stopping just a short step away from him.

 

“Hello, Dean.”

 

“Where were you today, Cas?” Dean was trying not to sound unhinged, but he was and there was no way to explain it and no reason to explain it either. He was on repeat, and he would just forget the explanation anyway. He was having trouble with this day though. It had been all kinds of unenjoyable. He had just wanted to have his usual family time and something had ruined it. Something had ruined it, and the worst part was that he did not know what that something was. How do I keep it from happening again? He was nearly hyperventilating, and Cas was watching him, perplexed.

 

“Didn’t Sam tell you, that I was taking care of some things?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“So, I don’t understand. Why do you seem so upset?” Dean didn’t even know how to answer. He just stood there, having his little moment. He was simultaneously upset and relieved and conflicted. He wanted to reach out to Cas, pull him into a hug. If he could just hold him, then he would be sure that Cas was really there, tangible and okay. Instead, he just kept standing there until it became awkward. Then Cas reached out to him slowly. He rested his hand on Dean’s arm. A look fell on him that softened him a little. Dean just stared. He felt warmer despite the snow falling down now in bigger flakes. “Maybe you should go inside. You seem cold, and it's snowing.”

 

“In a minute.” Dean husked out. His voice was low and he was having trouble speaking. All of his attention was on his arm now and the way that the two of them were finally in the same space again. It was comfort in the cold world that Dean had been inhabiting all day. Dean watched the little wisps of steamy breath leave Cas to intermingle with the steam that he had produced. The thin clouds danced about together until they were just an invisible part of the air around them. He wanted to disappear like that too, sometimes, just float off and away.

 

Cas still had his hand on him. Dean moved toward him a little. He reached out and placed his hand on Cas’ shoulder, a move that he had made before. It was a move that said, glad you are here friend. He smiled. Cas glanced over at the hand that Dean had placed on him then back up into Dean’s eyes. “I missed you too.” Dean hadn’t thought that Cas could hear his prayers anymore.

 

“You heard me?”

 

“What are you talking about?” Cas looked perplexed again.

 

“You heard me praying? I said that I missed you” Dean felt awkward explaining.

 

“I didn’t hear you.” Cas glanced away, perhaps feeling saddened by having missed this.

 

“Oh.”

 

“It seemed like you were saying it now though, with the way that you were acting.”

 

“Oh.” Dean’s vocabulary was devolving fast. _Say something more._ He couldn’t think of anything though. He especially couldn’t think of something once Cas moved his hand. He slid it up Dean’s arm to Dean’s shoulder. He was mimicking Dean’s move. Dean’s hand was still on Cas too. Cas’ hair had snow in it. Little flakes were sprinkled about like he was a decorated cupcake. Dean nearly laughed with the mental image of Cas the cupcake. His smile was noted.

 

“What are you thinking?”

 

“Oh, nothing.”

 

“You seemed happy all of a sudden. What were you thinking?”

 

“You reminded me of a cupcake. You have snow in your hair.” Dean couldn’t believe that he was saying this out loud.

 

“Oh.” Now Cas’ vocabulary was devolving. Dean reached out and brushed aside some of the snow from Cas’ hair. He gave Cas a few more brushes of attention than he needed, just to be sure that he had gotten it all. Then, he returned his hand to Cas’ shoulder.

 

And because Cas was a big ole copycat, he did the same to Dean. His hand came up and brushed aside the snow. Then he ran his fingers, too warm for being exposed to the winter air, back through Dean’s hair. It was all Dean could do to just keep himself from crumbling. Despite himself, he shivered with the touch. Cas noticed that too, and his smile was Cheshire Cat wide. Dean was unprepared for Cas’ next move. He leaned toward Dean and kissed his cheek. The night before, Dean had initiated it, and Cas had copied him. He wondered if this was a residual memory. If somehow Cas had memories from the night before. Cas stepped past him to the door. “Let’s go in before you freeze to death.”

 

“Okay.” Dean followed him in and added, “I wasn’t that cold.”

  
Cas turned back to him as they walked in and winked. “I know.”


	6. Snowball Fight

Dean woke up and stared at the ceiling, mind muddled with thoughts of the day before. It turned into a day worth repeating, so he laid in bed, doing nothing. He did not remember any one thing that he did that could have set in motion the altered timeline. He could not figure out how Cas ended up popping in later rather than at his usual time. In the end, he thought, it hardly mattered. He could replay the day out and it would all just become clear. Lord knows he had the time for it. All he had was time.

 

He thought about why he wanted to replay the day. He thought about how miserable most of it was. He thought about how much he hated the confusion and utter lonesomeness that he felt as the afternoon had pressed on into evening. He felt a little bad about his feelings, because it wasn’t like he had been alone. Sam had been there. And because Dean realized that, he resolved to do the day again while appreciating Sam’s company. It was just a slight change, and, he hoped, a slight change that would make the day better.

 

He also thought about how he might change things after Cas showed up. He wondered about two things in particular. First, he had wondered about the prayer. He believed that Cas had heard him. He decided to try a different prayer tonight just to see if it changed Cas’ response. He sent out _you looked amazing in the snow._ It was cheesy, but he needed to see if it worked. Plus, the repeating days would take care of any long term issues of embarrassment. Second, he wondered about the kiss. It was so similar to the one from the night before, the movie night. He thought about thwarting its progress to his cheek. If he knew that it was coming, he could turn at just the right moment, and then it would end up not on his cheek. He did not let his mind run over the reasons that he needed to make this change. He just needed to do it for, reasons.

 

So, in much the same way as before, the day progressed. Dean and Sam sat around together, eating, talking, and mostly just being a little bored. Dean asked about Cas and Sam offered up the same excuse from the day before. Dean dialed down his disappointment, remembering how Sam used it against him the day before. Apparently, he was not good at dialing it down though. Sam chuckled at him, “You should call him, and tell him that you miss his ass.”

 

“What?” Dean was a little shocked. Normally, Sam was at least a little more subtle. Perhaps he had been too nice to him today. Maybe he needed to dial that down too. Either that or Sam was having some residual memories too.

 

“Nothing, Dean. Just, if you ever want to talk about it, ya know, I’m here.”

 

“Talk about what?” Dean was already backing away from Sam and making his way toward the door.

 

“You know, the Cas and Dean, Dean and Cas, CasDean, Deanstiel.” Sam was laughing a little now as Dean turned away from him.

 

“I’m going out for some air, bitch.” Dean huffed out as he pulled on his jacket and nearly ran into Cas on the outside. “Whoah.”

 

“Are you leaving?” Cas asked as he stepped aside.

 

“What are you doing here?” Dean didn’t mean to sound so surprised, but he hadn’t even called Cas over yet. _What had changed the timeline this time?_

 

“If you are busy, I can just come back another time.” Cas turned to go. Dean let the door to the bunker close behind him and grabbed Cas’ arm.

 

“No, don’t go. I was just surprised to see you. I was coming out for some air. Sam was being a bitch.” Dean smiled over at him and did not let go of his arm until he remembered that Cas had touched his arm first. _Damn timeline is getting all screwed up._ They were standing just under the awning, and the snow was just starting to fall again. Cas and Dean were both shielded from it a little though, so there would be no need to ruffle the snow out of either of their hairs. No way to justify needless touching either Dean reckoned. _Damn_.

 

“So, what was Sam doing this time?” Cas smiled at him and Dean’s stomach did the little flippy thing that it seemed to be doing all the time now. He smiled back and hoped that it was the same way for Cas.

 

“Oh, he just says things, ya know. He tries to make things a little awkward for me. I shouldn’t let him get to me.” Cas reached up a hand to him and rested it on his arm. _There we go._ Dean thought as he was about to reach up to Cas’ arm too. Then Cas dropped his hand back down to his side.

 

“Perhaps, we should call him out here.” Cas said in a low, conspiratorial way.

 

Dean looked at him, confused. “Why?”

 

Cas winked. He had been doing that a lot lately. He bent down and scooped up a small handful of snow and smoothed it into a ball. “Oh, just to teach him a little lesson. You do know that I am an excellent strategist. Together we can take him down.” He looked adorably mischievious. How could Dean say no. Together they formed a small arsenal of snowballs. When they were ready, Dean called Sam and waited for him to come out to meet his doom. Dean and Cas hunkered down just past the edge of the building. The first snowballs cocked and ready. Dean looked over at Cas just before the door opened and Cas said, “You ready, Dean?”

 

“Oh, hell yeah.” Dean smiled and looked back at the door. Sam emerged and looked about in confusion.

 

“Hey, guys. Where are you?” He let the door close and came out into the clearing. Dean emerged first and started firing off his snowballs. Cas threw his first and then grabbed two more and rushed over toward Sam, firing off the other two. Sam quickly figured out what was up and dodged. He wasn’t quite fast enough, though. Two of them caught him in the head. He started scooping up snow as he ran and returned fire. One shot nailed Dean in the head. Cas had managed to not get hit once. Dean viewed this as a little unfair, but he was on Team Cas so, he kept his focus on Sam, until he felt the cold slush of a snowball slam against his back.

 

He turned and saw Cas shrug with a slight smirk on his lips. “That snow looks amazing on you.” Cas laughed a little.

 

Dean stood there processing the words for just a moment. He had heard me praying. There is no way he didn’t. “Harsh, Cas. Right in the back. That was a major betrayal.” He scooped up some more snow and started flinging. He finally caught Cas as he was diving away. It wasn’t anything to be proud of though. He just caught him on the left side of his ass. Sam was laughing like a banshee, so Dean fired off a half formed snowball at him, but Sam ran for the door.

 

“I surrender, I surrender,” Sam shouted as he ran for the door.

 

“Never surrender, Sammy! Never surrender!” Dean yelled at him while tossing one final slushball at him. Sam made it through the door though. The slush slapped the door and slid down to ground. Dean was laughing now. He had almost forgotten that Cas, the betrayer of Team CasDean, was still there. He was forcefully reminded when Cas charged him. He crashed into Dean. Dean felt himself soaring back through the air and down into the thick pile of snow that hadn’t been completely trampled during their battle royale. “What the hell, Cas!”

 

“Never, surrender, Dean! Never surrender!” Dean threw his leg up, flipping Cas into the snow. He didn’t maintain the advantage for long. The cold bite of the snow was once again soaking into his back. Cas laughed again. Dean was literally freezing his ass off. “I take it back. Maybe you should surrender. And here I thought that I heard you bragging about your hunting skills just the other day.”

 

Dean needed to get up off of the snow. He was growing far too aware of the press of Cas against his body. He was trying to focus on the cold, wet slush beneath him. _Cold, wet slush. Cold, wet slush._ He was losing the focus battle. His body, the other traitor in his life, was ignoring his brain. It was going to become very obvious to Cas just what Dean was thinking if Dean did not do something to end this and now. “I surrender.”

 

Cas leaned down to him, “I don’t think that I heard you. What was that, Dean?” Cas looked quite pleased with himself, and Dean was ready to wipe that smug look off of his face.

 

“I surrender,” Dean said a little more forcefully. Cas leaned back a little, and _Oh, god no._ He could feel the pressure of Cas on him even more than before. Cas let go of his arms then.

 

“Are you okay, Dean? You look a little flushed.” Dean sat up as much as Cas would let him.

 

“You heard my prayer today.”

 

Cas looked at Dean with a bit of confusion on his face. “What did you pray?”

 

 _You totally heard me. There is no way that you didn’t._ He squinted at Cas, trying to read him. They were just inches apart, Cas still sitting on him, the snow still melting beneath him. “I said something silly to test you. I said that you looked amazing in the snow.”

 

“Oh. I did hear those words today. I did not know what to make of them. It did not sound like you. Your prayers were always so clear. This one was muffled.” He looked like he didn’t understand the situation and that he would spend all night out here contemplating it if necessary. That would not work for Dean. In fact, it should be very obvious to Cas that Dean needed to either get a cold shower or a warm bedmate.

 

“So, I may need to get up, Cas.” Cas focused again and his lips curled up a little at the edge.

 

“Okay, if you say so.”

 

“I did surrender.”

 

“Then I guess that I should honor that.” He stood up and reached down for Dean. Dean let him pull him up.

 

“Are you coming in?” Dean wondered how he could get Cas to stay awhile.

 

“I should probably let you get cleaned up. I don’t think that you need my company for that.” He smiled again and it was mischievious. Dean couldn’t remember seeing this look on Cas so much, and it was stirring him up in so many ways. Cas turned to leave and Dean just couldn’t let that happen.

 

“Maybe I do need your company for that.” Cas turned around so fast that it was almost like he had been waiting for Dean to say just any thing. Dean threw himself at Cas like a desperate man. He found his mouth with his and kissed him. He had not done more than push down hopes over the long string of repeating days. When he felt Cas respond with his hands moving up to pull Dean closer, he felt like he was getting more than he could handle. Cas pushed off of the wall and Dean found himself pressed into the wall in the next instant. Cas seemed to be intent on tasting every part of his mouth as fully as possible.

  
Dean didn’t know if there was a plan in Cas’ mind. He was still reeling from the shock of reciprocity. It had been a very real possibility in his head that Cas could reject him. When Cas broke the kiss, it was to say, “Let’s go inside and get you cleaned up then.” Dean hoped that Sam had gone to bed. Cas took his hand, and they went inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all are enjoying the holiday fluff. Please leave a comment or offer up a kudo. I'll feel all kinds of appreciated if you do:)


	7. Memories of Christmas Past

 

Dean lay in bed. He woke as though from a dream, a dream of falling. He was tumbling faster, and faster. Darkness surrounded him as the air spread warm around him. He spun through the air facing down into it. There was light at the end. There was always light, but this light was different. This light was Cas. Dean knew it like he knew basics. He was always falling toward Cas. He would always fall toward Cas. Before he reached the light, though, his body jolted him awake.

 

He lay in the dark thinking over the night before. It was a night of firsts, firsts that needed to become seconds and thirds and more. He smiled, pleased with it all until he got to the end of the memories. He frowned a little. He sent out a prayer. _Don’t stay away all day. I want to see you._ And then, because he remembered Cas saying that Dean did not sound like Dean, he added, _This is Dean, by the way._ _There that should take care of things nicely._ He hoped that it would give him a full day with his angel. _Yes, my angel. Last night proves that fact. Cas wants this too._ He felt a renewed sense of confidence that he hadn’t felt before. He replayed out the memory from yesterday again, letting his mind linger on lips and hands, words and not words.

 

When they entered the bunker hand in hand, Dean’s mind was a whirlwind of joy fog. He mapped a path to his room. He mentally scanned the myriad places throughout the place that they could explore together. As the door closed behind them, though, Dean dropped Cas’ hand. Sam was coming into the room in a robe with a big white towel wrapped turban style on his head. He had a big steaming mug in his hand and his laptop tucked under his arm. “Hey, guys. You both look like you got each other worse than you got me.” Cas looked back at Dean and Dean saw the wet droplets of melted snow hanging from patches of Cas’ hair. He wanted to help him shake them out, just run his hand through them, but Sam was right there. Cas smiled, seeming to read his mind a little. Sam interrupted their moment and said, “Well come down here. I found a stash of cider. I’ll get you both a mug.” He left before they could protest.

 

Cas leaned toward him and whispered, “Drink it quickly.” Then he walked down into the room just ahead of Dean, who was now incredibly flustered.

 

“When did you become so forward?” Dean whispered back.

 

“I just don’t want you to get dehydrated. You took quite a beating out there.” Cas smirked at him.

 

Sam was back with two more mugs. He handed one to Cas and the other to Dean. He picked his up and clinked it to each of their mugs. “Happy holidays, guys. I couldn’t ask for better people to spend them with.” Dean felt a glow of love for his brother, and he looked over at Cas and felt another glow to add to the first.

 

“I couldn’t agree more,” Dean added to the toast. He watched as Cas tipped his mug up to his lips and swallowed down the entire thing in one long, large gulp. Then he gave Dean a little nod and an upraised eyebrow. _Encouragement_.

 

Dean tipped the mug to his lip and, _God Damn! Sam was serving him Hell in a glass._ It was scalding to a point that was completely unreasonable. His lip felt burned. He glanced at Cas and saw him heave out a sigh. He walked over to the nearby couch and plopped down into it with thinly veiled exasperation. Dean followed him and sat at his side, keeping a reasonable amount of space between them, for Sam’s benefit.

 

“Did I make yours too hot?” Sam asked.

 

“It’s like fire. How can you even drink yours?” Dean was blowing on his, shooting puffs of the fire steam out toward Cas.

 

“I put yours in the microwave when I went in the back there. Mine was out here cooling a bit. Sorry.” Sam looked back and forth between them, seeming to sense for the first time, something a little different. “So, you both get all of your violent tendencies taken care of out there?”

 

Cas decided to answer. “Yes, I believe that I took down, not one, but two Winchesters this evening, single-handedly.” He leaned back and smiled. _Smug, bastard._

 

“I wouldn’t get so cocky, Cas. Maybe I was just setting you up. You know, like you may have won the battle, but I’ll win the war.” Dean was feeling a little smug himself. He had, he thought, also won the battle, in the way that seemed to matter to him anyway. Dean could feel Sam’s eyes on him, reading him in that way that always made him feel a little too exposed. “What?”

 

Cas laughed then, “You obviously can’t see yourself, Dean. You look like a drowned rat. A drowned rat declaring victory.” Cas laughed some more. To make his point then, Dean took his warm mug of cider and set it firmly on the coffee table in front of him.

 

“I’ll just drink this later.” He leaned back into the sofa and stretched out, running his hands up through his hair. Cas tipped his head to the side, reading his intentions. His eyes raked over Dean’s stretched out posture. He then stretched out too and raised his arms up over his head in an elongated arch. It was a cat-like move that gave Dean the best possible view of Cas’ body, lean and long right there in front of him. Sam began humming a Christmas song then. _Stupid Sam. Stupid, buzzkill, Sam. Go to bed._

 

Dean tore his gaze from Cas and looked over at Sam. Sam was concentrating on his laptop, but not really. He was grinning away like some kind of know it all jerk. Dean grabbed a pillow off of the couch and threw it at him. Sam reached up before it made contact and caught it. “So, are we always going to solve problems with violence, Dean?”

 

“Just some problems,” Dean huffed out.

 

“Maybe you should try a different approach. A more loving approach.” Sam glanced over at Cas to make his point. Cas had his head tipped back on the couch and seemed to be staring off at the ceiling, missing the whole exchange.

 

Cas sat up suddenly, seemingly irritated. He scooped up Dean’s mug and blew on the contents. He tipped it to his lips, determined it was cool, then handed it to Dean. “Drink it.”

 

Dean drank it down. It was hot, but not like it was. In a few moments it was gone. Cas snatched the mug from him, set it on the table, then stood. “Are you going?” Dean asked, confused.

 

Cas looked back at him like he was the biggest idiot. _And maybe I am a little slow on the upswing,_ he had thought at the time. “Goodnight, Sam. Dean, come on.” He reached out a hand to Dean. Dean just sat there. _Was this happening? Was this happening right in front of Sam?_ He glanced over at Sam. _Stop smiling you jerk._

 

“Goodnight, Cas. Goodnight, Dean. See you both in the morning.”  Dean stood up then, but he didn’t take Cas’ hand until they reached the hall. Then he slipped his hand into place. They got to his room and quietly slipped inside. The clock on his nightstand showed that it was almost midnight.

 

“Could you have possibly dragged this out any longer, Dean?” It was a great question. Because he had been inadvertently dragging this out for some time. It had been years actually, if he had to be honest. He knew that Cas just meant since they had kissed, or since the cider, but it didn’t matter. They had been on the same page for sometime, and neither of them had known how to deal with progressing through the rest of the book of their lives.

 

“Was making a point.” Dean tried to sound confident.

 

“Oh, and what was that?” Cas was moving into his space. He was pressed right up against him.

 

“That I won.”

 

“Did you now?” Cas’ voice was that low feral growl that crawled under Dean’s skin sending off palpitations that ran through him to all of his extremities.

 

He gulped. “Yes.”

 

“I think that I remember you surrendering.” Cas’ hands ran up his arms and back into his hair. He shuddered with the touch. Cas’ body pressed against him. He leaned into Dean’s neck and let his breath trail up the side of him and into his ear. “Are you sure that you won?”

 

Dean leaned into Cas’ ear and said, “Yes. Look where you are, what you are doing. I won.” Cas leaned back, took in Dean’s face, his smile of triumph.

 

“Let’s call it a tie.” He smiled back, took a step back while pulling Dean with him. In a calculated move he fell back onto the bed, taking Dean with him there too.

 

And with that fall, Dean jolted awake in the next day. After replaying it all out in his head, he muttered out into the dark room, “Son of a bitch.” Apparently, his day would restart at midnight. Apparently, he did not get to finish things with Cas. Apparently, he would have to get the timeline to adjust if he wanted to fix this problem. _Either that or…_ he started to think. _I need to stop the looping._ It was the first time that he had thought that maybe just repeating the same day over and over again would not be enough. He had to admit to himself that he had grown rather comfortable with the repeating. It was nice to not have any fear of what could kill them or hurt them. It was nice to be able to fix the mistakes of the day before.

 

 _Let’s face it, this situation is a fixer’s paradise._ So instead of playing out one of the many days in his repertoire of days, he went down into the stacks, seeking out tomes on time loops, tricksters, and witches. He looked for anything that even remotely sounded like his situation, laid out all of his findings and began his studies. This would eat up his day. He only stopped to eat and drink, then returned back to the stacks for more study time.

 

It was not until late in the night, that he had realized that he had not spent any time with Sam or Cas. He saw Sam rummaging around in the kitchen. He had seen Cas pop in at his normal time to go “investigate a case” or as Dean already knew, go buy him a present. Cas seemed like he was normal, unfazed by Dean’s presence. Dean was too focused to make any effort. If he figured all of this out, then he would have time enough for that.

 

So it wasn’t until his day was about to reset that he realized how much time he had spent by himself. He sent out a little prayer at just two minutes to midnight. _I missed you today. I’ll see you tomorrow._

 


	8. The Reset Button

 

He awoke with a start again. The last memory that he had was of him sitting in between the stacks and stacks of books. The reset put him back where he always restarted. He had come to no solid conclusions the day before, and he was frustrated by it all. He needed to talk to Sam and Cas about the situation. They could help with the research. He hadn’t spoken with them before, because he hadn’t wanted to stop the repeating. He had been happy. He still was. Only now, he could see himself being happy with new days too, and that was something quite good.

 

He plucked up his phone from off of the nightstand. He called Cas. He answered on the first ring, like he was permanently staring at the phone, just waiting for Dean’s call. “Are you okay?” Not, _hello, Dean_ , like he expected.

 

“Yes. And hello to you too,” Dean responded.

 

“It is very early for you to be up. I have to assume that something is wrong.”

 

“No, I’m fine. I just wanted you to come over.” Dean paused awkwardly. They had done much over the last couple of days that had given Dean a feeling of intimacy with Cas, but those days were his and his alone. Cas was all business in his tone, and Dean had to remind himself to tread cautiously. “I need your expertise on something. Could you come to the bunker, or are you busy?”

 

“I’ll be right over. Are you sure that you are okay?” Cas still sounded concerned.

 

“Yes, Cas, just come over.”

 

“Okay.” Cas hung up and Dean had only to wait. It was still early by even Sam’s standards. He would not be up to check on Dean for another hour. Dean got dressed and headed out to the main room to wait.

 

Cas arrived not long after. Dean looked at him, slightly disheveled tie, ever present trenchcoat, and wondered if they could just skip the research for one day. He pushed that aside though and said, “Today has already happened.” Not his most eloquent explanation, but it would have to do.

 

“What do you mean?’ Cas just stared at him like that could make the explanation come out better.

 

Dean stepped up close to him. He felt like he wanted to talk about too many things at once. He wanted to talk about the snow and the movie and the way that Cas tasted like sugar cookies, or maybe he just imagined that last bit. He thought about the bigger situation then and he just said, “I keep reliving the same day over and over.” Cas looked at him, perplexed at first, then his look changed.

 

And in that instant, Dean found himself back in his bed. The day had reset and it was not midnight. “What the hell?” He got up and stormed around the room. He looked over at the clock on the nightstand, mocking him. He grabbed it and flung it at the wall. It broke in a spectacular array of plastic shards and electronic bits.

 

Sam was in his room in an instant. “What the hell, Dean? Are you okay?” Sam’s words seemed to parrot him. He was even more irritated.

 

He was yelling out jibberish now about how it didn’t make sense and Sam was starting to look deeply concerned. “It was always midnight. Why the hell did I end up back here? Why can’t I just get it to stop?”

 

“Dean, you gotta slow down. I don’t understand what you are saying. What always happens at midnight?”

 

“Today, Sammy. Today always happens at midnight. It keeps resetting. The day keeps resetting.”

 

And in that instant, Dean found himself back in his bed again. There was no Sam in the room, no broken clock, no tell-tale signs of Dean’s rage from just moments ago. Dean laid there fighting for control of his breathing. He didn’t know what to do. He was starting to feel like he was a part of someone’s sick game. Before, he felt blessed. It was like someone was giving him the gift of one perfect day over and over. Now he just wanted to make it stop. It wasn’t feeling so perfect anymore.

 

He got up, got dressed, and left the room. He pulled on his jacket and gloves. He thought about leaving a note for Sammy, but why bother? He grabbed the keys to the Impala and within minutes he was racing down the road. The rough road beneath him was soothing away the irritation that had taken over. He turned on the radio and “White Christmas” poured out of the speakers, reminding him that his life was still on repeat in so many ways.

 

He headed out of the town toward the tree farm that they had visited the night before. It was very early, or very late depending on your perspective. The sun had not come up yet. He expected the parking lot to be empty. It wasn’t. The thing that was most surprising to him, was not that the lot contained a car, but that the car belonged to Cas.

 

He pulled up alongside Cas’ vehicle and cut the engine. He got out and peered down into the window. Cas was not there, and there were no telling signs inside. “Where the heck are you, Cas?” He wandered down the path that wound its way into the center of the tree yard. It was a big place, complete with out buildings that had contained a Santa photo booth, Christmas crafts, and food. There was a small ice skating rink at the center of the yard, and all around it one could find the perfect Christmas tree. He let his vision roam slowly over the holiday landscape until he spotted Cas on the far end of the yard. He stalked over to him.

 

Cas heard his approach and turned before he got to him. “What are you doing here?” Cas asked instead of the usual greeting.

 

“Yes, I know, I don’t normally get up this early. And hello to you too, Cas.” _Don’t say too much. I don’t want to trigger a reset._ That much he thought he had figured out. “Something didn’t sit well with me about this place the other night. I wanted to check it out, see if it  was okay.” He felt like his explanation was flimsy, but Cas seemed to accept it. “Why are you here?”

 

Cas didn’t answer right away. He just looked at Dean. They stood there like that for a few moments and then when it should have been well into a place of awkwardness, he said, “I am here for the exact same reason you are.” Then they both stopped talking again as if they both were afraid of words. They made their way to the spot where he and Sam had ganked that witch Frau Perchta. She was a Christmas witch, because, yeah, that’s a thing. He looked down at the burned patch of ground at his feet. He thought that they had finished this, but perhaps it had been too easy. Things were never easy with them.

 

Dean wondered how much he could say. _How much could he reference without getting sent back to his bed?_ He felt Cas’ hand on his back. He turned just slightly to him. Cas looked serious. “What are you thinking, Cas?”

 

Cas didn’t answer out loud. He just moved his hand onto his arm, giving him a pointed look. Dean didn’t say anything, but he reached up and put his hand on Cas’ shoulder. It was a mirror of their stance from the other night. He thought about just how similar it was, when Cas leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. “What was that for?” Dean asked, feeling foolish for asking in the first place. _It didn’t matter what it was for. Don’t discourage this, Winchester._

 

Cas looked at him like he was a little disappointed by Dean’s reaction. “Hmm. Interesting.”

 

“What?” Dean was thoroughly confused now. Cas started walking away at a brisk clip. He got to the cut your own tree part of the property. “Stop, Cas.” He caught him by the arm and pulled him around to face him.

 

“Frustrating.” They just stood there for a moment while Dean processed that one word. _God, we are so on the same page._

 

“Very.” Dean added to Cas’ sentence. A slight smile quirked up the side of Cas’ lips. He stepped into Dean’s personal space. Dean didn’t hesitate this time. He dipped his head to Cas and kissed him. It was not like the chaste little cheek peck that Cas had given him just a moment ago. It was the kind of kiss that would knock the pictures off of walls. It was the kind of kiss that you give when you have been starving. It is the kind of kiss that demanded and gave. It was how he imagined all of their kisses would be, because this was Cas. He could not imagine either of them doing anything simply. He hoped that it would always feel this intense, this right.

 

They parted and stared at each other. “That was not frustrating,” Cas stated simply.

 

Dean laughed. “And here I thought that I was going to have to spend all day building up to that again.”

  
And Cas gave him a look. Then Dean was back in his bed again. The clock glowed out in the darkness. Dean laid there staring at the ceiling, pissed. Then he took a deep breath and let it out. He ran his tongue out along his lips, seeking out the taste that should still be lingering there, but it wasn’t. He had his memories though, he thought with a smile. So he closed his eyes for a spell and let those carry him.


	9. Holiday Cookies

He was going to dive back in again. He was going to just rush down to his car, tear off down the dark road and straight back to Cas at the tree lot. He didn’t do that though. Instead, he stayed in bed. He watched the door, waiting for Sam’s predictable check-in. He got up late and ate. He stared at the door. He read one of his books. He forced himself to return to a more passive place. He had grown use to the relative ease that the repeating days had offered. Somewhere in his head, he knew that he had to get back to that feeling a little if he was going to be okay.

 

The frustrations of the last couple of days would ruin him if he let them. He had felt like he was losing control. He didn’t like that feeling. He didn’t like it because it reminded him of before, when he wasn’t himself. He shook his head as if to clear away those haunting memories. It had been him, and it had not been him. He couldn’t let himself go there again. He knew that this was different, but the lack of control, the feelings, it was too much. So, he paused himself. He let his mind linger on things that felt controlled. He lingered on feelings that were pleasant. He found a great many of them circling around in his mind now.

 

By mid-afternoon, he had set his mind on a plan. He would cook. It was funny how cooking had become his thing. He almost had to laugh at the domesticity of it. He decided to make sugar cookies. He didn’t think about the reasons for this choice. It just worked in his head. He wanted that taste. He thought about it and revised a little. _Maybe a little cinnamon too._ He threw his mind back into memories, licked his lips subconsciously and muttered to himself, “Yes, cinnamon too.”

 

He mixed the ingredients together in the large metal bowl and started singing along with the holiday music that filled the room. He felt the tensions from earlier leave him as he turned his focus to the batter that was thick and sweet and lumpy. He stirred it and then dumped it out on the large countertop. He sprinkled flour on the industrial sized rolling pin and began rolling out the dough into a long flat cookie thick mass.

 

The song changed to “White Christmas” again and Dean went with it. He sang at the top of his lungs. It wasn’t the worst sound ever. The volume of Crosby’s vocals helped with that. He was so invested in his task that he didn’t notice the audience that he had gained. Sam and Cas stood in the entryway, silently appraising him. Sam had a look of happy mirth mixed with a touch of horror, probably from being exposed to Dean’s exceptional vocals. Cas looked serene and calm. Dean smiled at them both and continued to work the batter into a wider thinner mass.

 

“So, Dean, you okay?” Sam came into the kitchen a bit and reached out to the dough, as if to steal a piece to taste. Dean swatted his hand away.

 

“Don’t touch.” Dean kept on working. Cas came in and leaned against the far wall taking it all in. “Hello, Cas.” Dean looked over at him quickly then back at his work.

 

“Hello, Dean.”

 

“So, cookies, huh?” Sam seemed to be perplexed. Dean plucked up a small piece of the batter and flicked it at him. He was surprised when it actually hit its mark. Sammy, you are losing your hunter reflexes.

 

“Yeah, I needed to just do something simple. I wanted to do something that I didn’t have to think too much about.” He looked over at Cas as he said it, wondering if he needed to explain things. It wasn’t like anyone knew what was going on besides him. It was his problem. Cas nodded though in a way that said that he got it. _You always seem to get me._ He smiled a little and went back to his task.

 

“Well, Cas just got back from the tree farm. He said that he wanted to investigate the hunt that we conducted yesterday. He said that we should look into it a bit more, make sure that we really took care of it.” Sam walked over to the sink and filled up a glass of water. He drank it down in a quick series of audible gulps.

 

“Okay. Maybe later.” Dean was pulling out cookie cutters now. He looked through them all. He shuffled some of them off to the side. The ones for Easter and Thanksgiving he tossed back into the drawer.

 

“Well, then. I guess I’ll go back out and do some research then, while you...make cookies.” Sam turned to go then said to Cas, “You want to come help?”

 

“I’m going to help Dean.” Cas walked over and stood next to Dean to make his point, whatever that was.

 

“Clearly, I have fallen into bizarro world here.” Sam left muttering, “Cookies, really.”

 

“So, you want to help me make cookies?” Dean looked at him skeptically.

 

“Yes.” He touched the cookie cutters in an exploratory way, moving them about, picking up one then another.

 

Dean picked up an angel cookie cutter and handed it to Cas. “Here. You can make some angels.” Dean smiled at his little choice.

 

Dean picked up the one shaped like a gingerbread man. Cas looked at the cookie cutter in Dean’s hand and said, “Switch.” He traded with Dean. “I think that this would be better for me.” Dean looked at him a little confused, but he took the angel and passed over the gingerbread man anyway. Dean started pressing the shapes into the dough in neat rows. Cas watched and then did the same with his patch of dough. He smiled over at Dean. “This is nice.”

 

“Yeah. It is.” He smiled back and then, just for the heck of it, he hip bumped Cas. “I’m glad that you're here.”

 

Cas bumped him back. “Me too.” Dean mixed together a little cinnamon and sugar in a bowl and then sprinkled it over all of the cookie shapes. They began moving the shapes to a cookie sheet, then to the oven that was already all warmed up and ready. Now there was nothing to do, but wait. Dean wanted to make icing for the cookies, but he could put that together while the cookies cooled. Cas was cleaning up the countertop. He had flour on his face. Dean caught him slipping a small piece of dough into his mouth, just to taste it. He wondered if Cas thought that it tasted like molecules. Sam had told him about Cas’ funny sense of taste once. He seemed pleased with the taste though, or at least the experience. He was humming along with the song that was playing. It was “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.”

 

“So you know some Christmas songs now?” Dean ran a wet rag over the counter to wipe away the last remnants of the dough and flour.

 

“Yes, Sam gave me a collection of holiday music. I have been listening to it all in the car.” Cas seemed to be speaking cautiously as though he was considering each of his words before he shared them.

 

Dean thought that caution was probably a good plan for himself too. So, he went down an easy, safe conversational path. “Do you have a favorite song from the collection?”

 

“No, but I do like this one. It is filled with kind words set to a melancholy tone. It is like life.”

 

“Deep, Cas.” Dean smirked. Cas just looked at him. Cas walked up closer to him.

 

He placed a hand on Dean’s arm and Dean raised his own hand to Cas’ shoulder. It was like all the other days, same move, different location. Dean decided to mix it up a little. He brought his other hand up to Cas’ other shoulder. They stood facing each other. Dean swayed a little to the music, moving Cas a little with him. “What are you doing?” Cas asked quietly.

 

“What, Cas, you’ve never danced before?” Dean dropped one hand down to Cas’ hand that hung loosely at his side. He held it and then in a dramatic move pushed Cas out into a spin. Luckily, Cas went along with it. It could have been awkward. He pulled him back to his chest swiftly and continued to sway.

 

“I’ve never danced.” Cas’ breath smelled of sugar cookie dough, for real this time, and a little cinnamon too. Dean leaned his forehead down to Cas’.

 

“It’s been a long time for me too. I might be rusty.” Dean kept his eyes open. He looked closely at the little spots of flour that flecked Cas’ skin. His eyelashes were long. Dean looked past them into Cas’ eyes and breathed, just breathed in and out. The song had long since moved on to something jollier, and more fast paced. They didn’t change their dance though. They just rocked back and forth, holding each other in a room that smelled of holidays and sugar.

 

Cas reached up to Dean’s face and ran his fingers along his cheek. “You are covered in flour. It is even in your hair.”

  
“You too.” Dean leaned back from Cas a little and ran his hand along Cas’ jaw line. Then he rubbed away the flour on Cas’ nose, but it just became a little smudgy instead. _It is cute._ Dean kissed the smudge. Cas brushed back Dean’s hair and kissed his cheek. The cookie timer went off. They pulled them from the oven and set them out to cool. The afternoon would be warm like this well into the evening. Thankfully, Sam let them have this, without meddling. He gave them a few pointed looks when he came into the kitchen for dinner and then later to say goodnight. Dean let him look without comment. Comments would just make things awkward. So when Sam seemed to be speaking with his eyes, Dean just popped a sugar cookie in his mouth and then one in Sam’s. When he and Cas were alone, he did the same with him too. He didn’t want them to talk too much. No sense in spoiling the mood. Maybe we should make cookies tomorrow too. Only tomorrow we should decorate them. He never did get around to making the icing. Dancing had become much more necessary, and who knows, maybe tomorrow it would be again.


	10. Ice Skating and Peppermints

When he woke up the next morning, he could have sworn that the sugar cookie smell was still lingering in the air. He got up and wandered out to the main hall of the bunker, turning on lights as he went. He went to the kitchen and thought about decorating cookies today. He looked around the too empty room though, and decided that he did not want to be alone. It was too early to wake up Sam, and he knew where to find Cas, so he went back out to the main hall and grabbed his jacket, and headed out to the Impala to find his angel.

 

He could see the tree farm in the distance with its near empty lot. Cas’ car sat in the middle of it. Cas was standing in front of his car leaning against the hood. He looked over at Dean as he got out and walked over to him. “Hello, Dean.”

 

“Hello, Cas.” Dean leaned up against the car alongside Cas and stared out at the tree farm.

 

“So, have you wandered around there a bit?” Dean didn’t have sugar cookies to prevent himself from saying too much. He mentally braced himself for the reset that he thought might be unavoidable.

 

“Yes. I was thinking of doing it again. A second set of eyes might pick up on something that I missed.” Cas pushed off of the car and began strolling toward the trees. Dean fell into step beside him, glancing swiftly at Cas’ hand, hanging empty at his side. He reached out to it without thinking and threaded his fingers through Cas’. Cas did not pause or even seem to respond. He just kept walking onward, now with Dean’s hand clutched in his own.

 

They walked hand in hand past the trees to the spot where the witch had met her end. The ground still looked scorched. Dean kicked at the edges of it a little. “I hate witches.” He muttered the familiar sentiment and Cas looked up at him. He released Dean’s hand and stooped down to look a bit more closely at the coal like chunks of witchy remains in the pile.

 

“It is odd that nobody has disturbed this.” Then Cas seemed to grow nervous. He didn’t speak but he stood up quickly and faced Dean like he thought that something had immediately gone wrong.

 

Dean looked back at Cas and said, “Well, no one has probably been out here since last night.” He was about to say more, but Cas reached up a hand to his mouth and pushed a peppermint in. “What the hell?” Dean mumbled around the candy.

 

“They had peppermints in that store over there. I left some money on the counter and took some. I thought that you might need some.”

 

“That’s not random or anything,” Dean mumbled.

 

“Totally not random.” Cas smiled at him. “I thought that you might talk too much. You tend to do that sometimes. I thought that this might shut you up.” And if Dean hadn’t had a mouth full of candy, he might have shown Cas a better way to shut him up. Instead he just sucked on the peppermint and wandered off toward the outdoor ice rink. Cas reached down to the storage bins containing the ice skates and pulled out a pair. He held them up to his feet seemingly  to determine the right size for himself. Dean watched, amused.

 

“What are you doing, Cas?” Dean leaned over and looked at the long rows of skates then back at Cas.

 

Cas pulled out another peppermint and pushed it into Dean’s mouth. Dean decided that Cas was just trying to mess with him, so he didn’t make it easy. He had kept his mouth shut at first, until Cas had pushed a little harder, then he went slack and Cas’ finger shot in with the candy. Dean just clamped down on the finger a little as Cas pulled it back, slowly. “Really, Dean?” Dean just raised one eyebrow and smirked at him. Cas sat down with a pair of skates and started putting them on. “Put on a pair of skates, Dean.”

 

“Why are we doing this,” he said around the candy.

 

Cas waited for Dean to do as he had been told, then he replied, “I have come to believe that it is important to do something new everyday. I believe that it makes everything better.” He paused a moment with that statement as if he expected it to have an effect on them. Dean just watched him as he laced up his own skates. Cas stood and wobbled over to the ice. “This is something new, and I think that we should try it.”

 

“Okay, Cas.” Dean wobbled after him. He took a tentative step onto the ice and felt like he was going to slam head first into the cold expanse beneath him. Cas took his arm and lead him out away from the wall. “Umm, I don’t think that I should be this far from the wall.” Dean sounded nervous, because he was. He felt his knees shaking with each uncontrolled slide out to the side. Cas seemed to be a natural. His feet moved out in little curves back and forth.

 

“Don’t worry, Dean. I’ve got you.” He squeezed Dean’s arm a little and they continued to skate out and around the rink. The early morning sunrise was just beginning to make its appearance. There were still little bits of starlight peeking down at them from the diminishing darkness. Cas looked over at Dean and said, “Mind if I try making my way around the rink without you once? I want to see how fast I can go.” Cas was already going too fast for Dean’s liking so he agreed. Cas dropped him off at the wall and soared off away from Dean. He tucked his body down low as he rounded the corner of the rink, crossing his legs one over the other. He looked like a professional. Dean watched him with thinly veiled admiration. He noticed the way that the wind caught Cas’ hair, how it pulled it back a little. As Cas rounded the last corner, he changed his trajectory and headed toward Dean. He seemed to be going too fast. Then he turned just slightly and came to a sharp stop, sending little shavings of ice up in a wave.

 

“So, did you have fun?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Show-off. You have totally skated before. There is no way that you just had that skill.” Dean reached out to him and wrapped his arm up inside of Cas’.

 

Cas pulled out another piece of peppermint and was about to push it into Dean’s mouth. _Apparently, he is going to do this everytime I speak._ Dean decided that he was done with peppermint. As Cas leaned toward him to push in the peppermint, Dean dipped his head and pressed his mouth to Cas’. An instant later he felt his back pressed against the rink wall. Cas held him there. His lips parted slightly. He felt Cas sucking on his bottom lip then, and soon after,  his tongue slipped into his mouth stealing away the last remaining flavor of the candy from before.

 

He felt himself slipping a little and worried that he would take Cas down with him. He reached around Cas’ back and squeezed his hands into him. He didn’t realize right away that his hands had drifted as low as they had, but once he had, he smiled, pleased with his little move. Cas was kissing past Dean’s grin and then he stopped and leaned back, taking in Dean’s face. “You seem quite pleased with yourself.”

 

“Yeah. I guess that I am.” He just kept right on grinning. “I think that I like trying out new things.”

 

Cas grinned back at him. “Really, and here I thought that you just liked to keep everything safe and predictable.”

  
“Mostly, I do.” Dean eased his hands up Cas’ back, still holding on for dear life. “This, though, feels safe.” He leaned down to him and kissed him again, light and gentle this time like a song coming to an end. It had promise though, because even when a song ends, you still hear it in memories.


	11. Holiday Song

Something that Cas had said before stuck with Dean. Well, a lot of what Cas said stuck with Dean. This though, was something else. Cas had said that he thought that doing something new everyday was important. Dean wondered how much there was out there that could be new to an ancient angel, but as it turned out, there was quite a lot. Dean had considered other domestic activities for around the bunker, but in the end, when Cas showed up, they found themselves leaving instead.

 

Their trek out began with a flyer and some gentle ribbing from Sam. “So it is a thing called a singing Christmas tree.” Cas handed over the flyer.

 

Dean took it and looked at the hand drawn Christmas tree. _Apparently, there would be singing today._ “Why do you want to go to this?” Dean looked at him, trying to read the expression on his face. It was also a moment that was odd to Dean. It was another shift in the predictable. A deviation from what he had planned around.

 

“You seem to like singing. It sounded like something that would be interesting.” Cas looked like he was having a hard time explaining this desire. Dean handed the flyer back. “Plus, Sam seems to think that the holiday music is a bit important. He made me a mix tape that he basically said was required listening.”

 

“Okay, then. I just don’t think that I have been in a church since, man, I don’t even remember. I think that the last time was when we met the Whore of Babylon. Not exactly a quality religious experience.”

 

“This is just about the singing. From what I understand, a group of people practice the songs, and they take the stage. They lead the audience through various traditional pieces.” Cas smiled. “You can sing along.”

 

“So, you are encouraging me to sing along?” Dean smiled back.

 

“Yes, I think that you have a pleasing voice.”

 

Sam walked in then and laughed so hard that he nearly doubled over. When he finally got control of his body back, he stood up and through a few wheezes said, “Why on God’s green earth would you encourage my brother? He has the vocals of a dying cow.” He started laughing again and Dean slugged him in the shoulder. “Oww, you know it's true. Seriously, you should not sing.”

 

Cas glared at him a little. “Here.” He passed him the flyer and said, “We are going to this and Dean is singing. You are going to be nice.” He looked a little like he was trying to be intimidating. “You are going to sing too. We are all going to sing, and it will be new and fun. So, let’s go.” He turned and headed for the door, not waiting for them to join him, but they did just the same.

 

Dean gave Sam a look as they fell in behind Cas on the way to his car. “What?” Sam laughed at him. “You know that your singing is only meant for the shower, right?”

 

Dean said, “The acoustics in there are pretty good.” He smiled over at Sam.

 

He shoulder bumped Sam, and Sam returned the move. “When did Cas get all of this holiday spirit? I thought that we were going to take care of a case today, and then he shows up with holiday music and church.”

 

“Who knows. Like I’ve said before, he’s a weird little dude.” Dean smiled at Cas’ back admiring him a little too obviously given that Sam was at his side.

 

“Yeah, but he’s your weird little dude, so there’s that,” Sam said with good humor.

 

Without thinking Dean replied, “That he is, that he is.” Then he turned and caught the look on Sam’s face. He realized then that he had shared something rather new with Sam. Sam had no memories of all the little moments that he had shared with Cas, so this little tidbit seemed to surprise him a little. They got to the car and got in while Cas rounded the car for the driver’s seat.

 

The moment that they were both in, Sam started, “So, Dean.”

 

“No.”

 

“What?”

 

“Just no, Sammy. I can tell where you are going and just, no.” Dean was sitting in the front seat Cas got into the driver’s seat in the midst of Dean’s protest. Sam was smirking in the back seat.

 

“I’m just saying, first he’s claiming that you have a pleasing voice, and next you are saying that he is your angel. I just want to know whether or not I should give Cas the talk.” Sam was wearing his big doofus grin in the back.

 

Cas turned to Dean, and Dean just shrugged. Then Cas turned to Sam and said, “If anyone is going to,” he made air quotes, “give me the talk, it will be Dean. Now stop pestering him.”

 

“Geesh, defensive Cas.”

 

“Really, Cas, Sam’s just being Sam. No big.” Dean turned to Sam and said, “I gotta admit that seeing you give Cas the talk might be entertaining.”

 

Sam laughed a little. Cas turned back and started to drive off. “So, Cas, when an angel has feelings for a human, sometimes things happen…”

 

“Shut-up, Sam,” Cas said. Dean turned back to Sam and laughed at him. He was surprised by how much he was okay with this line of humor. Dean reached over to Cas’ stereo and cranked up the volume. Sam’s mix tape was in the deck and it was in the midst of “Jingle Bell Rock.” Dean smiled a little and started singing along. Cas smiled next to him and hummed along too.

 

“God, must you start warming up now, Dean.” Dean just sang louder and turned to Sam to give him the full effect.

 

“Hey, Cas, sing along.” Dean reached out to him.

 

“No, I’ll just wait until we get to the church.” They pulled into a near full parking lot and made their way into the church. The place was packed. They found a space in a pew near the back. There were little song booklets on each pew for the attendees to use in case they didn’t know the music.

 

A hush descended on the crowd as the side doors near the front of the church opened and two long lines of green and red robed choir members walked out to the stage. They arranged themselves on the risers that were placed on the stage, and they took on the shape of a Christmas tree. One of the members of the choir stepped forward from the bottom tier of the tree and spoke in a loud and luminous voice. “Welcome, one and all to our annual holiday performance. We will begin tonight with a piece that will be sung by just our choir. After this song is complete, we kindly ask that you join us in our singing. The booklets on the pews should be your guide. Sing loud, sing gloriously, sing out with your whole hearts and feel the spirit of Christmas upon you. May all your days be merry and bright. Merry Christmas.” With that he stepped back to his original position and the low hum of a song began.

 

It was odd, perhaps to begin with Handel’s “Messiah” but it was still beautifully sung. And the energy of it was invigorating. When they finished, the audience cheered. The choir swiftly moved into the next piece, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.” Dean sang along quietly at Cas’ side. He glanced over from time to time and saw Cas’ lips moving to the music. He looked over at Sam and saw him singing too. None of their voices rose out enough to be heard individually. They all just blended in with the masses, one giant communal song of holiday joy.

 

Sam reached behind Cas to Dean and gave him a little pat at the end of the song. Dean looked at him and smiled. Cas seemed to be unaware of the moment going on around him and just turned to the next song in the booklet. Dean leaned close and shared the booklet with him. The next song was “I’ll Be Home for Christmas.” Dean wanted to hear Cas’ voice so he leaned in closer to him as the song progressed. He felt the now familiar press of Cas’ hand on his back and glanced at his face. He just smiled and kept singing. He could hear him now, as if the contact between them had made it easier to tune out the other voices.

 

Cas’ voice was low and rich, a deep molasses sweet to Dean’s ears. As the notes rose, Cas’ voice did too, but in a way that maintained his somewhat melancholy tone. Dean found himself just mouthing the words, not wanting to override Cas’ sound. He also found himself just staring at him, taking in the way that his eyes shone in the dim light of the church. Cas turned to him a little as the last lines were falling from his mouth, “If only in my dreams…” He heard Sam clear his throat and he broke his gaze with Cas to look at him. Sam was grinning again. Dean reached behind Cas and gave Sam a little pat that said, yeah, I know, and maybe I love you too.

 

He watched as Cas turned the page to the next song and they were suddenly singing a rollicking version of “Angels We Have Heard on High.” Cas leaned in closer to Dean and despite the closeness, Dean could hardly hear him. It was as though he was just mouthing the words. Dean sang a little louder and noticed Cas smiling over at him. This song was not in his range, by even a long shot. He powered through it though. He felt Cas’ hand pressed to his back and he moved his own hand up to cradle Cas’ back too. He didn’t care if this lead to Sam being, well, Sam. It hardly mattered anymore when the day would just repeat. While he sang he also thought that it likely didn’t matter even it tomorrow was another day and not the same day. He was happy, and Cas was happy, and it seemed like even Sam was happy. So he let himself have this. This moment, this warmth, this happiness, it could be his.

 

The songs poured out around them. They played out and in the end everyone was flushed with the joy of it all. They left the church together. Dean stepped over to Sam and gave him an unexpected hug. “Merry Christmas, Sammy.”

 

Sam seemed startled at first with this outpouring of affection. He hugged him back and said, “Same to you, Dean.” Cas stood off to the side and then he hugged them both so that now they were in a funny little hug knot of sorts. “We should end this before everyone thinks that we are quite strange.”

 

Now Dean kind of wanted to keep hugging his people, especially if it made Sam feel awkward, but instead he let go and they all walked back to the car. They got back to the bunker and eased out of the car. “You’re coming in, right Cas?” Dean asked when he saw Cas hesitating by the car. Sam was already at the door.

 

“Yes, in a moment.” Cas said as he stared off away from the bunker. The first flakes of snow were starting to fall.

 

“I wouldn’t stay out here too long, Cas. Looks like it’s going to get rather snowy.” Sam offered up as he opened the door.

 

“We’ll be in in a minute, Sam,” Dean said. Sam gave him a look and went into the bunker.

 

The door closed and Dean walked over to Cas. “You don’t have to stay out here. It is getting cold,” Cas offered.

 

“I kind of thought that you wanted the company.” Dean edged over to him. It was funny to him how, no matter how many times they played out these little moments, he still felt nervous. It was odd that he could imagine rejection or a way in which he could screw this up, when, in fact, they had managed to successfully be near each other for sometime now.

 

Cas slipped an arm around Dean’s waist. “I did, but not if it means that you freeze to death.”

 

“I’m not that weak and frail, Cas.” He wrapped his arms around Cas now too. “Besides, you can help with that.” His lips raised in a half grin. Cas moved his hands about on Dean’s back as if he were coaxing warmth into him. Then Dean thought of a question that he wanted answered. “Why did you stop singing during the angels' song?”

 

“I wanted to hear you sing.” Cas’ simple response came with a duck of his head. It looked like shyness, but Cas had been anything but shy lately, Dean thought.

 

“Oh, so you like the sounds of dying cows?”

 

“Like I said before, I find your voice pleasing.” He looked sincere when he said it, so Dean accepted it. “Why did you stop singing the song about going home for Christmas?”

 

“I wanted to hear you sing.” Now it was Dean’s turn to dip his head, then he looked back into Cas’ eyes. The snow was falling on them and Cas had flakes of it in his hair. Dean brushed them away. “You have a nice voice. It was hard to hear you though over the crowd. I’d like to hear you again.” They stood in the snow, the world silent around them and Cas started to hum a little tune. They swayed about with it in a kind of dance. It was “White Christmas” and Cas started singing out the lyrics. His voice sent warmth through Dean. He didn’t know if he would be able to just listen. He wanted to kiss him. He wanted to crush his mouth to Cas and never let up. He pushed it down though, because the sound of his song was stirring him. He felt the tune like clothes from the dryer put on quickly before they could cool. He felt Cas’ song like the few times that he had felt kindness and love.

  
He felt special. He looked at the angel in front of him and thought, not for the first time, _what made you decide to throw all of this devotion my way? Why do I get to be so special?_ Cas brushed aside the snow from Dean’s hair. It was the end of the song. Dean did not need to hold back. He leaned into a kiss that was already coming his way from Cas. They lingered, warm in the snowy evening. Dean knew that there would be cider inside, because that was what Sam would likely be doing in there. He also knew that his would be scorchingly hot. He knew these things, just like he knew that his life had turned a corner the other night. The loop of days and nights had given him much. He finally knew what it meant to love, truly love, and be loved in return. _Yeah, it has probably been going on for longer, but accepting it and recognizing it makes it all the more real._ And it was real, and merry, and bright. And Dean was determined to hold onto it for as long as he could.


	12. And on Earth Peace

He slept in and did not feel any regrets. When he finally got up it was with no thought of how to spend his day. He fully intended to just bumble through it. Cas would likely suggest some new thing, and he was fine with that. He wondered how it was possible that Cas could be different each day. He also just accepted it. If it had happened earlier in the looping, perhaps it would have bothered him, but because he had experienced so much repetition, so much that was a pattern, he had become complacent about certain things, and Cas’ behavior was one of them. So long as he seemed to enjoy Dean’s company, Dean could not be happier.

 

So he whistled his way out into the kitchen, grabbed a bite to eat, and then sauntered out into the wintery morning. He had thankfully put on a coat to fight off the chill of the morning. He wandered up the street and out away from the bunker. He had no distinctive destination. He just wanted to wander. He thought about calling Cas, but there would be time enough for that later. For now, he would just let the morning clear his head.

 

Eventually, he found himself in a slice of suburbia. There were kids playing out in front yards. Moms and dads were out and about here and there. They were watching their children, cleaning off cars, shoveling snow from driveways. Dean envied them a little. He strolled past one house and a little girl spoke to him. “Merry Christmas.” He paused in his steps and looked down at her.

 

“And a Merry Christmas to you too.” Her mother was not far from her. Dean gave her a little wave that said, not a creeper, and turned back to his walk.

 

The little girl stopped him again. “I’m getting a bike for Christmas.” It was just the sort of random thing that a kid would say, and Dean was powerless to ignore her and carry on with his walk. The mother saw his struggle and came over.

 

“Sorry. She hasn’t learned stranger danger yet. So, everyone that she meets is a friend.” Her smile was warm and inviting.

 

“No worries.” And because it seemed like the thing to do he reached out his hand and said, “I’m Dean.”

 

Surprisingly, she took it and gave it a strong shake. “Pearl, and this is my daughter, Frankie.”

 

“Frankie?”

 

“Well, Francine, but none of us have ever called her that. You live around here?” She waved her hand about to signify the neighborhood around them.

 

“Not particularly. I live down off Clifford St. Sort of. My brother and I aren’t here much, but we call it home.” He smiled over at the kid and noticed that she was not quite dressed like normal for a kid her age. “What’s with the outfit?” He pointed over at Frankie.

 

“Oh, yeah, I guess that looks odd. She is in a children’s nativity. I’m supposed to head over their soonish. I told her that she could play for a little bit. I wanted her to get her energy out. She is going to be playing the part of Mary.”

 

“Oh.” Dean didn’t have much that he could say.

 

Pearl seemed to understand. “You have no clue what I am talking about huh?”

 

“That obvious, huh?” Dean chuckled a bit.

 

“You look confused is all. Are you a bit of an atheist, or do you just not know what a children’s nativity is?”

 

“I don’t think that I have seen a children’s nativity before. I would not classify myself as an atheist.” He gave her another disarming smile.

 

“Well, if you are anywhere near the First Presbyterian Church tonight, you should swing by to see the children’s nativity. Basically, it is kids acting out the birth of Christ.”

 

“Nothing like kids having kids to set the holiday mood.”

 

She looked at him funny and then laughed at him. “Someone is a little lacking in holiday cheer.”

 

“Well, I guess that I should swing by then. I bet my brother would get a kick out of it too.” He turned back toward home.

 

“We’ll see you at the church then.” She waved and so did Frankie. Dean waved back.

 

* * *

He was nearly back at the bunker when his phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out and saw the message from Sam: _Where are you?_

 

He typed a quick reply back. _Almost back, mom._ When he did get back, it was to the vision of Sam and Cas standing outside of the bunker, looking serious.

 

“What’s up?” Dean joined them.

 

Cas reached out to him and rested his hand on Dean’s arm. “You were gone. We were concerned.”

 

“Where were you?” Sam looked a little miffed.

 

“I went for a walk.” Dean looked from one to the other. They both looked skeptical. “What’s with the look?”

 

Sam laughed a little. “You don’t really do that, Dean. Are you sure you're okay?”

 

“Yeah, seriously, stop worrying. Plus, I have it on good authority that it is a good idea to try new things every now and then.” He turned to Cas then and felt his reassuring squeeze on his arm.

 

“Well, perhaps in the future, you can leave a note when you try new things.” Sam was heading back into the bunker.

 

“Oh, speaking of new things. I want us to go see a thing in town.” Dean was shuffling off ahead of them. He was also determined not to take Cas’ car for once. _God, that thing is depressing._

 

They followed him like obedient children, and he lead them all the way to the Impala. “So, what’s this new thing that we are going to experience?” Sam asked as they pulled out of the garage.

 

“A children’s nativity.” Dean said this without explanation and at first did not notice the look on Sam’s face.

 

“Uh, why?” He turned to Sam and saw him wrinkling up his face in a look that said _I could think of a thousand things that you would suggest, and this did not make the list._

 

“Reasons.” Dean smiled at him. “I met a family that is participating in it. They seemed nice.”

 

“This sounds pleasant, Dean,” Cas piped in from the back. Dean looped through the town looking for a parking space for his baby. It was crowded. The streets had been blocked off at the town square for something. He finally found a spot, quite a ways from the church that Pearl had mentioned. It was okay though, Dean had thought. It was less likely that someone would bother his car this far away from the action.

 

They began walking toward the street faire. Just past it and up the hill was the church. It was a tall classical structure, with a towering steeple. One could not miss it. To get to it they would have to pass by the booths and costumed spectators that were milling about in the street. The banners above proclaimed that this was a Dicken’s Christmas Faire. The Victorian era garb, and the tables filled with crafts made by grey-haired grandmas, made the scene seem far more classic. A few flakes of snow had begun to fall. Sam was wandering from booth to booth, amused by everything.

 

Dean took Cas’ hand, a natural move for him now. They made their way out of the faire and up the hill toward the church. Sam was leading despite the fact that he was not the one that came up with the plan. He looked back at Dean to make sure that they were heading to the right church, his eyes taking in the hand holding.

 

“So.” Sam started, but Dean cut him off.

 

“Later, Sammy.”

 

Sam just looked at him, tipped his head to the side and said, “Really?”

 

“Yeah, I’ll let you have your chick-flick conversation with me later,” Dean grumbled out at him.

 

“Seriously, you’ll actually talk?” Sam sounded skeptical.

 

Dean almost laughed and said, “Merry Christmas, Sammy. Your brother will talk about his feelings. Now shut-up. We're here.” They stood in front of the church, the sound of a children’s choir was coming from the open doors. Dean saw Pearl just inside. They made eye contact and she came over to them. “Hey, Pearl.”

 

“Hey, yourself, Dean. You guys should come in. I just sent Frankie to the nativity, but they won’t be ready until after the choir finishes. They just have a couple of songs left.” They squeezed into the vestibule with her and the children moved into a new song. Their little mouths forming overly large o shapes as they sang “Silent Night.” It was all kinds of cute. Some families were filming it. Dean felt Cas squeeze his hand a little. He smiled over at him. Cas looked over at Sam and Dean followed his gaze. Sam was fixated on Pearl.

 

Dean had noticed that she was attractive, but he hadn’t cared much about that fact. It was just a thing. It wasn’t like he was looking for something anymore. He squeezed Cas’ hand back in an acknowledgement of what they were both seeing. “Silent Night” ended and a pair of children stepped up to the front of the stage, two boys dressed in what would have been ugly Christmas sweaters if they had been worn by adults. They opened their mouths and the rich harmony that came out of them was inspiring. They sang “Hark the Herald Angels Sing.” Dean looked on with something like awe painted on his face. The one boy reached over at some point and took the hand of the other.

 

Dean leaned into Cas taking in his warmth as the song progressed. The choir joined the boys and lifted the song into a greater volume. Their voices trilled out around them. The final notes drawn out long and luminous. When silence fell the audience filled it with applause. Pearl turned back to them and nodded to the door. “We should beat the crowd. Here, follow me.” She squeezed past them and they followed her. They got to the side of the building where the nativity was set. They found a good spot, near the front, but off to the side. Pearl turned to Dean and said, “So, this is your family?”

 

“Oh, sorry. I should have introduced you.” He reached out a hand to Sam’s shoulder. “This is my little brother Sam. Sam this is Pearl. Her daughter Frankie is in the nativity.” Sam reached out to her outstretched hand and shook it.

 

“Nice to meet you.” Sam looked like he was gaining a little more color in his cheeks. Dean smiled at that.

 

He turned to Cas and said, “And this is my…” He paused in mid-sentence, not sure what to call Cas. They didn’t have labels, not really. _My angel. My friend. My god, what the hell is he? Boyfriend? Soulmate. Gah!_

 

Pearl filled in the gap in the introduction. “Your partner?” She looked down at his hand clasped in Cas’ and then back to his face. “We are a progressive congregation here.” She smiled at him.

 

Dean looked at Cas, who just stood there calmly, offering no help whatsoever. “Well, this is Cas. We don’t really have a label for us, but his name is Cas.” Cas let go of his hand and reached out to Pearl. They shook.

 

“Nice to meet you Cas.” The nativity seemed to be starting and they all turned their attention to it.

 

Cas leaned over to Dean. “I’m okay with labels.”

 

Dean looked at him and then whispered back, close to his ear. “Me too. I just thought that we should talk about it first.” He felt Cas’ arm around him. It was comfort in the way that was becoming all too necessary to Dean. He did not think that he could deal with a day now that did not include Cas, his touch, his warm smile. He was glad that they had found this, even if it was a continual loop of the same day. It really wasn’t though. They had made newness out of it. He had no regrets, only this growing affection baking in his heart.

 

The narration of the scene carried the story of the birth of Christ out to the masses gathered around to watch. The children were dressed in costumes. They even had a child dressed as a camel and a carefully wrapped baby doll in a manger. Beside the nativity stood three children dressed as shepherds carrying long crooks. Another child joined them dressed in a long flowing gown, with cardboard wings fastened on the back. The narrator paused in the story and the angel child took over for a moment saying, “Glory to God, in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.” Dean leaned into Cas and pressed a kiss into his mop of messy brown hair.

 

Cas said, “That was Gabriel.” Dean felt Cas shake a little. He reached out and tipped his face toward him. He saw the faint glistening of tears forming in Cas’ eyes.

 

“I’m sorry.” Dean wanted to say more. He knew how much Cas missed some of his family.

 

Cas just turned back to the scene and let his head rest a little on Dean at the same time. When the performance ended. They made their way back down to the car, but not before saying goodbye to Pearl and little Frankie. “We should have you and Frankie over for dinner some time,” Dean offered. He was trying to help out Sam a little. It was Christmas after all.

 

“That would be nice. Then we could reciprocate.” She smiled at them.

 

“Would your husband join us?” _Subtle Sam, real subtle,_  Dean had thought.

  
“My husband died just before Frankie was born. It is just the two of us.” She seemed to see something beyond the question, and she smiled at him. They left and Sam whistled all the way back to the car. It sounded like a Christmas song that he had been playing the other day, but Dean wasn’t sure. He was sure though, that this had been a good night, a night worth repeating, maybe with a slight change. They piled into the car and drove back to the bunker, snow falling down around them, blanketing the world in white.


	13. Here Comes Santa Claus

When Cas finally showed up at the bunker, Dean had already set the day in motion. It had been easy. Dean stalled Sam a little with his favorite breakfast, then directed him on a different path for his run. Simple really. The only hiccup had been when he overshared. As Sam was about to leave for his run, Dean had said, “So, if you meet a kid that says, ‘Merry Christmas,’ you better stop and say something back. You should always be nice to kids on Christmas.”

 

Sam looked at him and said, “You are in a weird mood today. What is up with you?”

 

“Nothing much, I’m just feeling a lot of feelings today.”

 

Sam walked up closer to him and gave him a squinty eyed stare down. “Okay, what have you done with my brother?”

 

Dean laughed at him. “Oh, shut-up, Sammy.”

 

“Really? You don’t sound like yourself.” Sam laughed a little too though.

 

“I think that is because I am happy. I am finally just happy.” Dean gave Sam a hug and Sam still seemed confused.

 

“Why are you so happy all of a sudden?”

 

“I can’t explain it. I just am. Now go run through new neighborhoods and wish people a Merry Christmas.” Dean clapped him on the back and Sam started to leave with a shake of his head. If Dean had it worked out, then Sam would be in Pearl’s neighborhood at just the right time. Before Sam ducked out the door though, Dean realized that he hadn’t accounted for the fact that Sam would be running where he had been walking. _Shit. Gotta slow him up a bit more._ He hollered up, “Hey Sam, wait up.” Then he bounded up the stairs to him.

 

“Seriously, Dean, I’m gonna be right back if you just let me get my run in.” His tone though was good natured. Dean knew that he had to come up with something good to keep Sam around just a bit longer, otherwise the timing would be off.

 

“Uh, so I guess that I could just talk to you about it later. It’s just that Cas will be here then, and I don’t think that I am ready for him to be in the conversation yet.” Dean shuffled around. _What am I doing? Well, at least it will wash away at midnight._

 

Sam’s look shifted to concern. “What is it?”

 

And because Dean couldn’t ease into it he just blurted out, “I am in love with Cas.”

 

Silence.

 

More silence.

 

Dean’s heartbeat.

 

Silence.

 

Dean started to have regrets. He wanted to do a take back. He thought about causing a reset right then and there. He didn’t though. Sam spoke before he could make it happen. “Wow.”

 

“Okay, then. Glad we had this talk.” He turned to walk away from Sam, irritated.

 

“No.” Sam stopped him with a hand to his arm. “No, Dean. I am just surprised that you actually used words to communicate this. It has been pretty obvious for, I don’t know, years.”

 

“No, I’ve been so subtle even I didn’t know. How could you have known?”

 

“Seriously, fucking obvious. You should tell him. Have you told him?” Sam’s words rushed ahead.

 

“No. I don’t think that we are at that point yet. I don’t think that he has a clue.” Dean shuffled about.

 

“Ha, right, Dean. He has gotten all kinds of clues I reckon. Just tell him. See what happens.” Sam’s grin was Cheshire Cat wide and he was looking like he was going to crack. Dean thought about the timing and felt that maybe it would be close enough. Maybe he could let him out now.

 

“Well, enough about my feelings. Go on your run. Oh, and don’t be all stupid around Cas when he gets here. Let me deal with my shit in my own way.”

 

“Whatever you say, Dean.” Sam was looking pretty pleased. Before he walked out the door, he said, “Hey, Dean.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Thanks for trusting me with that. It’s nice to know that you felt that you could tell me.” Sam let the door close behind him and Dean felt a little warm glow spreading out inside of him. It was good to see Sam happy.

 

* * *

Cas had gotten to the bunker, and he and Dean just sat and waited for Sam’s return. Dean thought that it seemed to be taking a little long. _I guess that they had a lot to say to each other._ He had explained that Sam had gone on a run and that they would be going to town to see the Dickin’s Craft Faire later. Cas just looked at him like he had two heads and proceeded to take a seat on the sofa. Dean had sat down next to him. Personal space was not a consideration.

 

“How’ve you been?” Dean started off lamely.

 

Cas looked at him and seemed to consider his words before just saying one word. “Fine.”

 

That one word made Dean nervous. That one word never meant fine. It meant I have a crap ton of problems that I don’t wish to discuss. It meant that something was wrong. “Are you okay?” He moved a hand up to Cas’ leg and gave it a small squeeze.

 

Cas covered his hand with his own. “I am. I worry about you a bit.” He looked into Dean’s face like he was trying to read his mind. Dean didn’t think that he was, but the look was still intimidating.

 

“You don’t need to worry about me. Things are good with me.” Dean smiled, a hopefully reassuring looking smile.

 

Cas’ eyes drifted down to Dean’s hand then back out to the space in front of him. He got up then and walked away from Dean. He didn’t know what to make of it. He stood up too and came up behind him, placing his hands on his shoulders. “I wish that I could just dive into your head sometimes, see what you were thinking.”

 

“I thought that you could do that.”

 

“I can, but I respect you too much for that. It would be a violation of your trust if I did.”

 

“It wouldn’t if I let you.”

 

“Or you could just talk to me.” Cas turned back to him. “I think that you are not telling me some things that might be important.”

 

Dean huffed out a sigh. “Did you talk to Sam before you got here?”

 

“No.” Cas looked confused.

 

“Of course you did. That’s what this is about. Look, I wanted to tell you, I just didn’t want to make it all weird. It isn’t like I go around talking about my feelings and stuff. So, yeah.” Dean was turning away from Cas then because he didn’t think that he could face him while he was baring his soul.

 

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” Cas said.

 

“Look, just bear with me until later. I want to say it right. Plus, Sam will be back soon and that’ll just make everything awkward.”

 

“Okay, Dean.”

 

* * *

So Sam came home, and Dean gave him a meaningful scowl as if to say _You and your big mouth_. Sam just looked at him with thinly veiled confusion and started talking about the children’s nativity that they should go see downtown.

 

“I think that we are going to a craft faire,” Cas chimed in.

 

“They are both in the same area,” Dean offered up.

 

“I just need to go change before we go.” Sam went off to his room whistling a tune, the same tune from the other night.

 

“So, are we going to both?” Cas wondered aloud.

 

“We’ll walk Sam up there and then ditch him, unless you want to see the nativity. It’s probably cute and all,” Dean offered, while moving back into Cas’ space.

 

“I’d rather wander around the faire. It sounds like something new for us.” Dean looked at him wondering about the statement. It was odd, because the nativity viewing would be new for them too. The thing that was particularly odd was the way Cas said us. He said it like it was a thing, all established and decided upon. He looked at Cas, and tried to put together meaning from the words, when Cas walked right up to him cupped his face in his hands and said, “Don’t say a word.” Then he kissed him, deeply and fully. He held Dean like he needed more than he could say. He held him, and he kissed him like his life depended upon it.

 

Dean held him too. He wrapped his arms around him and pressed his fingers into the small of his back. When the kiss ended, slowly and with small moments in which they drew back to each other, Dean couldn’t speak. He could only look at Cas and wonder. _What made him do that?_ Dean hadn’t even been trying to move him in that direction, not really. They had just been in the same room. He smiled though at the thought that it would take so little to have Cas in his space.

 

Sam walked back into the room, way too nicely dressed for their evening plans. “So, uh, am I interrupting anything?”

 

“No, we've been waiting for you forever. What’s with the Fed suit? You know that this sort of thing is casual right?” Dean walked over and straightened Sam’s tie a little.

 

“Nothing wrong with making a good impression.” Sam smiled.

 

“Who are you trying to impress now Sammy?” Dean smirked a little, knowing full well who Sammy was trying to impress.

 

“I may have met someone today. Now let’s get going. I don’t want to be too late.” They headed out, and when they got there, Dean dropped Sam off at the church.

 

“We’ll pick you up at the faire when you're done, Sammy. Now be a good boy.” Dean used his best mom voice.

 

“Oh, shut-up. You have fun on your little date.” Sam called back as he strolled over to the church. The sounds of the children’s choir were already pouring into the street. Dean drove down the street a ways and found a parking space for the Impala. They got out and began walking down the sidewalk. Cas took Dean’s hand in his. Dean gave it a little squeeze of acknowledgement. Dean had every intention of just walking the faire with Cas. He did not anticipate running into Santa though.

 

The guy was standing between two dumpsters hurling up the entirety of his stomach’s contents. “You okay, buddy?” Dean asked while taking a tentative step forward.

 

“Food poisoning. I feel like hell.” He returned to his vomiting. Dean turned to Cas and tipped his head in a questioning manner. Cas walked up to Santa and dropped two fingers to his forehead. Santa stopped vomiting.

 

“You feeling okay now?” Dean asked as Santa stood up.

 

“Yeah, just hungry. What just happened?” Cas reached out again and sent Santa off to sleep.

 

“Why did you do that?” Dean asked as he caught the now sleeping Santa.

 

“This was going to become complicated.” Cas looked around as if gauging how long they could stand there with an unconscious Santa when a lady came out of a side door to the building that Santa was just vomiting on.

 

“Uh, is he okay?” She asked as she also seemed to edge away. Dean saw Cas gearing up to give her the finger whammy and interceded.

 

Still holding sleeping Santa he said, “Sorry. I know this looks odd, but he was throwing up and then he passed out. He said that it was food poisoning. Do you think that we could put him inside until he wakes up?” The lady seemed to visibly relax with the explanation and Dean’s disarming smile.

 

“Sure, sure. Just be careful with him. I don’t want the kids to see him. God, I don’t know what to do now. He was going to hand out the gifts.”

 

Dean started hauling Santa in and she directed him to a back room with a couch. The noise of the children out front was loud and joyous. “You throwing a little party?”

 

Cas was walking in behind the lady and Dean settled Santa more comfortably on the couch. “It is an annual gathering for the local foster youth and their foster parents. We like to make Christmas special for them.” She looked like she was a little defeated.

 

Dean looked back at Cas as if to ask what they should do. Cas came forward. “What can we do to help?” The lady looked at him as if she was seeing him for the first time.

 

“Either of you want to play the part of Santa or his elf-helper tonight?” She looked like she was more than prepared for a refusal.

 

When Cas spoke up even Dean was shocked a little. “I would make a good Santa. Dean here will be my elf-helper.” He actually looked delighted with his pronouncement. Dean just stood there taking it all in.

 

“Well, that was easy. You sure?” She looked from one to the other, and they nodded in unison. “Well, then I will get the elf-helper costume and you two can just get Santa’s costume from him.” She gestured toward the sleeping Santa. “I’ll be right back.”

 

She rushed off and while she was gone they managed to get Santa’s outfit off with a little angel mojo and onto Cas in the same manner. “Well, that was an abuse of power,” Cas stated.

 

Dean added, “Yeah, maybe next time you should let me just help you.” He smirked over at him.

 

“That would be highly inappropriate here, Dean.” But he gave Dean a look that said that he appreciated the sentiment.

 

The lady, Carla, returned with the other costume and left saying, “Just come on out as soon as you are dressed and I’ll get you both started.” She dashed off, and Dean just stared at the costume in his hands. It was every kind of ridiculous. The legs were going to be very tight. The shirt too if he was measuring it out right would leave little to the imagination. _Oh, my god, I think that this is lederhosen._ There were even little elf shoes and a cap.

 

He looked over at Cas in his overly large Santa clothes and said, “We need to trade jobs. I will never fit this.”

 

Cas reached out and touched the clothes. He then touched Dean. The clothes were on him and his clothes were neatly folded on the couch near the old Santa’s feet. “Looks like they fit to me.” Cas smirked.

 

“I look ridiculous.” Dean looked down at himself and he did indeed look ridiculous. They went out to the hall though and Carla led them to the front room. As soon as the kids saw them, they were shrieking with enthusiasm. Dean stood off to the side while Cas took a seat on the Santa throne.

 

Carla whispered over to him. Now you just hand him the presents, and he will give them to the kids as they sit on his lap. They are all simple gifts with little labels on them so that you can tell what they are. Try to pick things that fit the kids. Be quick though.” She moved off and Cas already had a little kid on his lap. They were talking, and he heard the kid say that he wanted a catcher’s mitt. Dean looked at the labels on the presents and in a moment that was a miracle, he found one. He handed it to Cas to give to the boy. While he waited, Dean pulled out his phone and snapped a picture of Cas. He sent it to Sam with the text: _We’re handing out gifts to children. Yeah, we rock._

 

He got an almost immediate response: _Where are you? I have to see this._ Dean texted him the location and then went back to paying attention. They were making kids smile and Dean was in his own kind of heaven as long as he didn’t look down at his costume. Cas spoke a little louder with the girl on his lap as though he wanted to make sure that Dean heard her request. Dean snapped back into focus. _Like a laser, Winchester. Stay focused._ She wanted something called an Enderman. What the hell is an Enderman. He started digging through the presents and didn’t know if he was finding anything relevant or even close. He gave Cas a shrug of confusion.

 

Then he heard Cas shift the topic of their conversation a little. “Do you mind if Santa reads you mind a little? I just need to see what this Enderman looks like.” She nodded and Cas touched her forehead. “Oh, I see. Just a moment. He stood up and walked behind the seat and looked at all of the boxes as if he was looking right through all of the wrapping, because he was. Then he reached down and plucked up a box that said “Minecraft” on the side. He returned to the seat and handed the girl the box. “I think that this will do nicely.” Then he laughed like he was the jolliest man in the universe.

 

When they finally finished, Dean noticed Sam at the back of the room with Pearl and Frankie. They came up to them. Sam looked all kinds of pleased with what he was seeing. “Dean, I have no words.” He pulled out his phone and snapped a picture. “This is getting a frame.” Dean was happy that midnight would fix that little problem. “Hey, sit next to Cas.” Sam gestured over to him. Cas slid over a little and Dean squeezed in. Sam snapped a picture as Dean leaned over and kissed Cas on the cheek. Cas smiled a bit and threw an arm around Dean then.

 

“Take one more,” Cas commanded. Sam complied, and as he did Cas kissed Dean back. They wandered out of the building after dropping off the costumes. Sam introduced them to Pearl and Frankie. Then they parted ways at the car. Dean saw Sam exchanging info. with Pearl and he smiled a bit. They got back to the bunker and Sam made cider, and yes, once again Dean’s was way too hot.

 

While he waited for it to cool he said, “Hey Sammy, send me that picture.”

 

Sam pulled out the camera and sent the pictures over to Dean. They really were nice. Cas looked happy. Cas leaned over and looked at them over his shoulder. “Hmm.” Cas made the sound at his ear. “I like the first one. You look like you are up to no good.”

 

“The second one makes you look like you are mischievous yourself.” Dean hugged him to him and they leaned back into the couch together.

 

Sam just sat across from them grinning. “Let’s go to bed. I don’t need to drink the hell cider.” Dean said over to Cas. He nodded and they rose together and headed off down the hall. It was late, but not too close to midnight. Dean slipped his hand into Cas’ and pulled him along to his room. When they got in, He pushed the door closed behind them and then leaned into Cas. “Are you okay?” He was thinking of earlier that day when Cas had said that he was fine, and _if he says he's fine again, so help me_.

 

“I am content.” He looked into Dean’s eyes with sincerity.

 

“Oh.” Dean had hoped for more. He wanted Cas to be happy, because he was happy. He wanted Cas to be more than just casually accepting of life.

 

“You seem upset with my answer.” Cas ran his hand up Dean’s arm and let his hand cup the base of Dean’s neck when it got there.

 

“I want you to be happy.”

 

“Oh. Sometimes I am.” He gave Dean a half smile.

 

“When are you happiest?” He was prepared to make a mental list of the things that lead to Cas’ happiness. He figured he could work them into all of their days if Cas just gave him the tools.

 

Cas sat on the edge of the bed. Dean came down to him and knelt in front of him. Cas seemed to consider his answer at great length. “I don’t know how to answer you Dean. There are so many things that I would say if I could, but it is impossible. I would tell you, if I could, that sometimes you say things that remind me that the world is filled with possibilities. Sometimes you say things that make me feel like all of my efforts have mattered to you and to the world around you. Sometimes I feel like you see me, really see me. Then there are moments when I feel that we are orbiting around separate planets. I sometimes think that I will spend my entire existence trying to figure you out. I worry that an eternity from now I will still be trying even after you have long since turned to dust. I think about that sometimes.”

 

“Me being dust?” Dean rested his head on Cas’ knee. Cas fell to stroking his hair.

 

“A little. Mostly, about you not being here. I imagine that I will spend time in your heaven. I imagine that I will stand by you there just to be near you even if your heaven is fireworks with Sam, or time spent with your mom. I imagine that I will hover around you watching your happiness play out again and again, wanting nothing more than to  be a part of it, to break through it all somehow.”

 

“You don’t think that my heaven will include you?” Dean lifted his head and looked up at him.

 

“I have seen your heaven before. It did not include me. It is fine though. The memories that gave you the greatest happiness are the memories that I cherish too.” He raked his fingers over Dean’s hair. Then he pressed a kiss to his forehead.

 

Dean did not know where to begin. Cas was so incredibly wrong, as far as he was concerned, but he seemed so convinced. How could he have so misread Dean’s thoughts, feelings, life? “Cas, when was the last time that you saw my heaven? Was it back when Zachariah was pulling his dick angel moves on Sam and I?”

 

“Yes. I hardly see why that matters.” Cas continued to stroke Dean’s hair until Dean reached up to his face.

 

“It matters because that was almost a whole lifetime ago. It matters because my head is not in the same place that it was back then. It matters because if heaven were built for me using all of my happiest memories you would be in them. In fact, I imagine that you would even be in memories that you have no business being in. I imagine that time spent with Sammy watching fireworks would now include you. I imagine that when my mom makes PB&J for me that she’ll make one for you too. And you better not tell her that it tastes like molecules either. I mean that lady will be cutting the crusts off for you, so respect.” Dean was looking at him intensely now.

 

“I don’t know Dean. I have seen the triggers to your happiness, the most intense happiness, the type that lives on, and it isn’t me that triggers it.”

 

“How could you be this wrong about me, Cas? I honestly thought that you knew me. I honestly thought that no one else knew me as well as you knew me. Do I need to spell it out for you?”

 

Cas watched him and seemed to struggle with what Dean was actually saying as if he was writing his own alternative narrative in his head. “I don’t think that I have been wrong.”

 

“Cas, I have come a long ways from the guy I was when you first met me. I was not happy. I was not able to even consider happiness as a possibility for me. I didn’t expect to live long enough for it to ever be attainable. It was maybe something that I would get if I went to heaven, but even that seemed unlikely.” He paused a moment and caught his breath. He wanted to get this right. “I don’t think that you are seeing what is happening in me. I have never been as happy as I have been recently. I look forward to getting up in the morning. I plan out my days so that I can spend the maximum amount of time with you. I literally waste countless hours manipulating and planning, just so that I can find ways to justify touching you without weirding you out.”

 

“Why would I be weirded out by you touching me?” Cas leaned closer to Dean.

 

“Because, Cas, we haven’t talked about it. It’s my fault really. I don’t encourage talking. This might just be the longest talk about feelings that I will ever have, so don’t get too use to it.”

 

“So, you spend considerable time planning out ways to touch me?” Cas moved his hands to cover Dean’s as though he was trying to grant him permission in that move.

 

“Considerable time, Cas. In fact, I would say that it is bordering on the ridiculous now.” He laughed a little. “So, if there is a heaven for me, I will be with you. I will be touching you, and I won’t have to plot or plan; although, that is, lately, a fun part of my day. In my heaven, we’ll watch movies curled up under a blanket. You’ll hold my hand where no one can see. In my heaven, we’ll ice skate, and I’ll suck at it, but you’ll be amazing. In my heaven, you’ll push peppermint candies into my mouth, and I’ll push sugar cookies in yours. In my heaven, you’ll kiss me like I am the only thing in the world that has ever mattered to you, and when I kiss you back it’ll be everything. This will be my heaven, Cas, because I love you.”

 

He felt Cas kiss him then, pulling him up into his arms. All of it in one fluid movement. They somehow made it more fully back into the bed. His shirt was pulled aside and Cas’ fingers were raking a trail up to his shoulders beneath it. His lips traced kisses down his neck, his stubble burning along the path that kisses made. He seemed to be desperate to kiss all of him. Dean pulled his shirt over his head. Then began fumbling with Cas’ buttons. Cas caught his hands in his. “Dean.” He stopped trying to disrobe Cas for a moment and just looked into his eyes. “I want you to always touch me. I want to make you happy.”

 

“I don’t think that you heard me before. You already do. In fact, you are probably the only one that consistently makes me happy. I want to do that for you. I want you to be more than just content. I want to make you happy. Tell me what I can do to make you happy and I will. I’ll do it a million times just to see the look on your face. Whatever you ask for, it is yours.”

 

“I am happy. There is nothing more you can do to add to it.” Dean started fumbling with the buttons on Cas’ shirt again, but Cas swatted him away. “Here.” He touched his shirt and it was off, in fact he had taken care of all of his clothes in that one move.

 

“Well, now. That is a useful skill.” Dean kissed him with pauses all along his ribs, memorizing the taste of each spot. He was awed by the angles and contours of his hips, his thighs, his whole form. The two of them basked in the glow of each other. They traded adorations with each other and received them back just moments later. Cas rolled him onto his back and managed to cover his body with his own. Dean stared up into his face, Cas’ hands clasped his just above his head. “This is my heaven, Cas.”

  
“Mine too,” he replied.


	14. Sometimes Holidays are Sad

It couldn’t always be fluff. It couldn’t always be joy. Nothing that lasts so long can do so without the occasional jolt. It would sometimes feel like falling. More often it was a happy life, but sometimes when it wasn’t, it was like slamming into concrete. In those moments everything felt like it was ending even though it couldn’t end. Sometimes, everything felt hopeless.

 

He woke up alone, just like always. He curled up and felt his body shudder. He reached out a hand in the dark and fumbled around for his phone on the nightstand. He just needed to see something that would remind him that yesterday was real, that Cas was with him, and that something perfect had finally happened for them. He turned on the phone though and when he looked at the message thread from Sam, there were no pictures of Cas.

 

He did not know why it felt so horrible. He could make the day happen again. He could run through all of the same steps that would put him in this bed with Cas. He could tell him a million times, that he was his heaven. He could tell him and show him and love him. However, in this moment, the picture was gone and it tore something out of him. That moment was taken from him. The picture captured something sacred between them.  He could still see Cas’ face smiling into a kiss. He could still feel the rough textures of his chin nuzzling into him.

 

He closed his eyes and focused on it, on the joy of it, but the situation that he was living in loomed at the back of his mind. He could hear Sam coming down the hall to check on him before his morning run and he was crying now. He was crying at the futility of it all. _Stop, stop, stop._ He told himself. He didn’t need to feel like this, he told himself. Sam’s mop of hair pushed into the room and he took in Dean’s posture enough to come into the room more. “Dean?” The quiet worry in his tone.

 

Dean sat up and said, “I can’t fix it. I can’t.”

 

“Can’t fix what?” And Dean just didn’t have the energy to do it all again and again, but he also didn’t want this pointless explaining that couldn’t be explaining.

 

So he reset it. “Everyday repeats, just like it did when Gabriel was screwing with your head.” A moment passed in silence before Sam believed him and then Dean found himself back at the start again. It would have been bad enough to have done it once, but he woke up and reached for his phone again, hoping that somehow the timeline could shift again. After all sometimes things were different. The picture still wasn’t there. Sam came in again and again he reset it. He did it again and again. A hundred times, maybe more. Each time was worse than the last. He wept, he screamed. He felt himself giving up. He needed salvation. He reset. He checked the phone. He got out of the bed and crumbled to the ground at the door. His door opened. _Sam_. He shook and shook. He was about to reset it. He couldn’t even look at him again. His brother who was never even going to get the happiness that he had gotten with Cas.

 

He felt arms around him, pulling him up. He opened his eyes and saw that it was not Sam. It was Cas. He carried him back to the bed. He sat against the back of it. He pulled Dean up into his arms, his legs on either side of him. “Shhh, shh.” He held Dean and Dean let himself be comforted. “I’m here, I’m here.”

  
Dean didn’t know how to explain his feelings. He felt a little broken. Cas was there though. Cas poured warmth into his back, making him feel as though he could fix him. And for the first time in what was feeling like infinite resets, Dean allowed himself to hope again.


	15. The Care and Keeping of a Kitten

Sam woke him up when he checked on him. Dean redirected his path to Pearl’s neighborhood, but didn’t stall him. He wanted to see if it mattered. He put on his coat and went outside. Cas was there. “You’re up early.”

“You too,” Cas walked up to him and stopped just in front of him. “Are you okay?”

“Yes.” Dean tried to sound convincing.

“You’re not.” Cas reached out a comforting hand.

“Let’s walk.” The crisp winter air bit into him. He felt like he was becoming the season, cold and stiffened in place with the frost. He walked along though with big strides that seemed to have purpose and Cas fell into step beside him.

“Is the walking helping?”

“Maybe. I need to sometimes just clear my head. This has helped me sometimes.”

“I imagine that it is hard sometimes to just have a little down time. Walking seems like a good way to fill the time.” Dean looked over at Cas wrinkling his brows as he considered Cas’ words. Cas smiled and popped a peppermint into his mouth.

Dean found himself smiling at the moment. “Since when do you eat?”

Cas muttered around the candy, “Sometimes I talk too much.” He smiled. “Sometimes you talk too much.”

Dean responded, “I never talk too much. Just ask Sammy.” Then realization seemed to fall onto Dean. He stopped in mid-step. “Cas.” Cas stopped just a small step ahead of him and then turned back. He reached out and popped a second candy into Dean’s mouth.

“Don’t over think things, Dean.” He leaned over to him and kissed him lightly on the edge of his lips. They walked more, and Dean was thinking. He was thinking quite a lot. He was thinking that Cas just kissed him, and he had done nothing to initiate it. He had done nothing beyond just getting up and greeting him. _Well, Dean, either you are incredibly attractive, or..._ He started down a path in his mind. _Cas knows. He knows. Brace for the reset_. It didn’t happen. He didn’t shoot back into his room. He didn’t wake with a start. _Why?_ He noticed that Cas was getting ahead of him on the small dirt trail that wrapped around the side of the bunker. He sprinted a little to catch up.

He grabbed Cas’ hand and matched his pace. Cas just looked over at him casual as the day is long. “I love you, Cas.” He said the words just to see their impact. _Would he react like it was the first time he had ever heard them? Would he take them in casually like they were familiar?_

“I know.” Dean felt his hand in Cas’ waving back and forth in a kind of happy motion as they walked. There was energy in the movement. It was giddy. He thought about Cas’ response. He couldn’t tell if it was more than the words were telling him. _Was he saying that he knew about the love, because, yeah, even Sam knew. Was he saying that he knew about the time loop? Was he saying both?_ Somehow Dean knew that he couldn’t ask. Somehow he knew that he would reset it. The last hundred plus resets proved that to him. _So how do we fix this then?_

There was an odd noise coming from the side of the trail. They both paused in their trajectory to listen. Cas nodded over into the tall grass. Dean strode over toward it. It was a weak mewing cry. At the base of a barren oak tree was the world’s most pitiful looking kitten. Dean reached down and gently scooped it up. It couldn’t be more than a few weeks old by the looks of it. The tiny orange and white frame was small and shaky in his hands. He cupped it close to his chest, trying ot bring it to warmth. Cas came over to them. He reached out his hands. “I think that it is sick.” Dean whispered as he handed the kitten over.

“Then let me fix it.” Dean watched as Cas brushed his hand over the kitten in a gentle, loving stroke. It mewed up at him, quiet and weak. Then it mewed again, stronger this time.

“Will it be okay?” Dean put his hand up onto Cas’ forearm and leaned his head down to get a closer look at the creature.

“Should be. We should take it back to the bunker though. If it snows tonight, she won’t survive it.” Dean nodded and they headed back to the bunker with their new friend. Cas held the kitten close like it was some sort of a treasure. Dean retrieved a small fuzzy blanket and spread it out on the couch. Cas gently set it in the center. The kitten stood, tiny tail long and stiffly pointing straight into the air. It let out a long mew. Dean reached down to it and ran his fingers from its tiny head to its tail.

“What should we call you?” Dean muttered while taking a seat on the couch next to the creature.

Cas leaned down and looked straight into its little face. “It is okay to tell us your name timid feline creature.”

“What you speak cat now?” Dean laughed.

“I speak many languages, Dean. Cat is not so complicated.” He turned back to the cat. “Hmm. She is hungry. Do you have soft kitten food or milk?”

“We have milk of the cow variety, but I’m not sure if that works for kittens. We might need to go pick up some stuff at the pet store.” Dean watched as the kitten started rubbing all along Cas’ arm. He reached over and rubbed the kitten’s head a little. “I think she likes you.”

“Yes. Her name seems to be NomNom. Either that or it is a sound that she finds appealing. Regardless, we will call her that.” Dean laughed at him again.

“Really, you speak cat?”

Cas tipped his head to the side and replied, “Well, I don’t see why this is so hard to believe. I mean, I speak Dean Winchester, and you never question that phenomena.” He threw him a half smile, and Dean just had to laugh at that.

“Come on then, Cas, the cat whisperer. Let’s go get some kitten supplies.” He started to head for the door and turned back. “Oh, and bring NomNom. No sense leaving her here.”

They took Dean’s car to the pet store and Cas held NomNom to his chest as they walked through the store. Dean talked to a clerk about the proper care and keeping of kittens. They showed her the little thing and after oo’s and ah’s from the clerk, they were directed to the necessary kitten supplies. Dean felt like they were getting off cheap as he grabbed a couple of the items and put them in his basket. Cas kept asking NomNom what she wanted and showed her things. She apparently liked a stick with a feather on the end of it. It looked like a fishing pole. Dean had ignored the subtle request and made his way to the counter with their purchases.

Cas added the pole with the feather. “NomNom wants this.” Cas looked like he was not to be challenged.

“Fine.” Dean paid for the items and watched as Cas snuggled with the kitten. He had it tucked up under his chin. The little thing was purring quite loudly. They made their way out to the car and Dean said, “Stop being so cute.” Dean smiled over at them.

“Can’t fight what is natural, Dean.” Cas held the kitten up to his cheek and smiled back. They got back to the bunker and Sam was already there.

“Hey, guys. What you got there?” Sam came up to Cas and looked at NomNom.

“This is NomNom. NomNom, this is Sam.” Sam looked at him funny. Cas stared at the kitten a little more then added, “You should back up Sam. NomNom finds your size intimidating.”

He laughed and said, “Oh, really?”

“Yes, and you laugh too loudly.” Sam laughed again and backed up a couple of paces.

“So, we should totally go to town today for this children’s nativity thing that I heard about.” Sam was trying to sound casual.

Dean smiled because it was nice to know that Sam could do his run at virtually any time and still meet Pearl. It felt like fate a little. Dean tossed Sam the keys to the Impala. “You should take in the nativity show yourself. Cas and I are on kitten duty tonight.”

Sam caught the keys and said, “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, Sam. It’s all good.” Sam headed off to his room to change. He came back a little later in his Fed suit. Dean just smiled at him. “Have fun.” He noticed that he was leaving way early and wondered what he planned to do with the extra time. Maybe he convinced her to meet him for dinner. _Way to go Sammy._ Dean was enjoying his little assumptions.

They decided to eat an early dinner themselves. Dean made a sandwich while Cas played feather stick with the kitten. After dinner they lead the kitten around the bunker with the stick, until Cas bent down and said, “Oh, you are tired now.” He scooped up the little thing and walked it to Dean’s room.

Dean made a little spot for it out of blankets that he piled up on a chair next to his bed. “There you go little thing.”

“Her name is NomNom, not little thing.” Cas set her down gently and she curled into a little ball. Her eyes drifted shut.

“You are kind of adorable.” Dean said as he wrapped his arms around Cas’ waist and stared over his shoulder at the sleeping kitten. Cas leaned his head into Dean, cat like in a way. “I suppose it just comes natural for you to take care of things.”

“You should understand.” Cas pressed a kiss up into his neck. “I’ll be here early in the morning, just so you know.”

“You should just come right in. Don’t hover around outside.” Dean felt like he was figuring out how this works. He spoke in way that was vague, as if tomorrow could just be another day. He knew though that Cas understood. Somehow it was the most comforting thing in the world. Cas opened up Dean’s drawers and started rummaging around. “What are you looking for?”

“Clothes.”

“Why?”

“To sleep in. My clothes are not appropriate for sleeping.” Cas said this as though it was the most obvious thing.

“You don’t sleep.” Dean responded back.

“So.” Castiel pulled out a pair of sweatpants and an old, threadbare tee-shirt. He touched the clothes on himself and then Dean’s sweats and tee-shirt. The clothes were on him now and his were neatly arranged on the dresser.

“No fair. I thought that I was getting a show.” Dean looked mildly disappointed.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Yeah, right. I bet you totally know what I’m talking about.” He pulled Cas to him and kissed his neck.

“Well, I do now.” Cas looked back. “You need to sleep. You are tired.”

“Am not.” Dean nuzzled in closer, trailing his hands down Cas’ sides. He liked the thin tee-shirt. It let him trace out Cas’ contours better.

Cas turned to him and kissed him back. Dean yawned a little. “Really?”

“Totally not tired. That was a face exercise. Gotta keep my face fit for all the kissing we do.” Dean kissed him again to make his point.

“Hmm. You are also adorable. Now get in bed. We will sleep.”

Dean did as he was told. Cas climbed in next to him and wrapped his arms around Dean’s shoulders. Dean could feel the light brush of lips on his head. “Goodnight, Cas.”

“Goodnight, Dean. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.”

“Doofus.”

 **  
** “I know.”


	16. Time for Research

Dean woke up and Cas was sitting at the foot of his bed staring at the kitten curled up on the chair. He rubbed his eyes, then in a sudden bolt of shock, sat up. “Kitten.”

“Yes, I got here this morning and brought the kitten in out of the cold. I took the liberty of going to the pet store for her other needs.” Cas turned a little and faced Dean more. Dean laid back down. He had thought that the day had moved on into tomorrow. It hadn’t. Cas just took care of things on his own before coming in.

“Guess I shouldn’t be surprised. You're always taking care of things.” Dean moved across the bed and rested his head in Cas’ lap.

“Just like you.” He ran his hands over Dean’s hair, a tender stroke that put Dean back into a relaxed place. “What should we do today?”

“This.” Dean rolled over a little and smiled up at him.

“I think that you are becoming the least productive person in the known world.”

“Ah, Cas, you sound disappointed in me. I was totally planning to be productive too.” He moved his hand around Cas’ back and pulled himself closer.

“Well, I’m not disappointed. I just think that we should find tasks to occupy us.”

“I would be plenty occupied.”

“Dean, focus.”

“I am.”

“We could do research together.” Cas had a tone that was a little vague and he understood immediately what Cas was suggesting. _Perhaps we can solve this together._

“Fine, but we aren’t going to spend all day on this.” Dean stood up and started rummaging around for jeans and a tee-shirt. He noticed that Cas was back in his normal clothes and felt a twinge of regret. He liked the lack of layers that he had been in last night. He also liked that the clothes were his. It was like he was laying around with a little Dean surrounding him.

“Hmm. I would think that you would welcome this activity. You confuse me sometimes, Dean.” Cas got up and  picked up NomNom off of the chair. He slipped her into his pocket, her little head poked out and looked about like a periscope.

“All work and no play, makes Dean a dull boy.”

“I don’t think that that pop culture reference is appropriate for the present situation.”

“Oh, well. It is what it is. Just promise me that we get to take breaks. Dean felt Cas move him up against the wall. His chest was solidly pressed against Dean’s. He leaned into his neck and breathed out a long hot breath along his pulse point up to his ear.

“I promise nothing.” Then he leaned back and grinned a wolfish grin and stalked off out of the room. He called back from half way down the hall, “Go eat breakfast. I’ll be down in the stacks.”

Dean just whistled a little tune and did as he was told. He was trying to wrap his head around just how a day of research could work when he couldn’t discuss what they were researching. _Oh, well, let Cas figure that one out._  He got to the kitchen and rummaged for something simple. He was growing tired of the same old stuff and thought that maybe they could do diner breakfast tomorrow or better yet today when it happened again. He found a breakfast burrito and microwaved it. “Hello baby, haven’t eaten you in like two whole days. Get in my belly.” He laughed at himself, then turned to head down to the stacks. Sam was there, watching him.

“Need a moment alone with your meal?” Sam leaned against the doorframe.

“Gotta be nice to the food, so the food is nice to you.” He stuffed a little of the burrito in his mouth and started talking around the bite. “So, you sure finished your run early.”

“Yeah, wanted to change and such.” Sam pushed himself off of the doorframe, clearing a path for Dean to use as he headed out of the kitchen. “I was also thinking that we could go to town later, take in a children’s nativity.” Dean smiled a little, happy that Cas had clearly sent Sam on his path that morning.

“Cas and I have plans. You can take my car. Maybe we can meet up with you later.” Dean was trying to think of a way to get out of the research. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to find a solution, he just felt like it was futile. He had already spent days on this task. The Men of Letters had nothing helpful in their vast collection of books. Plus, truth be told, Dean never was a fan of research. That was always Sam’s thing.

Sam followed him out toward the stacks and asked, “So, what are you and Cas up to today? I need to let him know that I won’t be available to investigate the haunting at the strip mall. Hopefully, he understands.” It never failed to amuse Dean that Cas and Sam were planning to shop together and had made up a whole cover story for it.

“Cas wants to do some research on our witch from the other night. I agreed to help.”

“Oh, that should be…” He paused searching for words. “Fun?”

“Yeah, I’m not much for the research, but Cas can be convincing sometimes.” Dean was thinking of the press of Cas against him and a slight flush rose up into his cheeks. _More burrito._ Sam caught the look and snickered a little.

“Oh, is he now?” Dean picked up the pace and rounded the corner nearly running into Cas. Cas reached up and stopped him, the touch lingering a little longer than necessary.

“I was just coming up to tell Sam about the change of plans. I forgot about the haunting.” He looked from Dean to Sam.

“No problem, Cas. I had a change of plans too.” Cas released Dean and took a small step back. “Have fun with my brother.” Sam had to dodge a little as Dean popped a fist toward his shoulder. “Ha, getting slow, old man.” Sam took a couple of steps away though as Dean loomed closer.

“Maybe I wanted to let you skate by.” Dean gave him a wry smile. “See you later, Sam.” Dean gave him a little wave and stepped back over to Cas. “Come on, let’s get this research going.” Cas made piles of books for Dean and piles of books for himself. There was a small table down in the stacks and a couple of old, dusty chairs. Cas pulled NomNom out of his pocket and set her on the floor to stretch her legs.

“Don’t go too far. We need to be able to find you later if you want to eat.” He pet her once from head to tail and she strolled off to explore.

“I should have gotten you a kitten ages ago.”

“I would have been too busy. You would have found it in your Impala clawing up the upholstery.” He smiled at the kitten as it chased dust motes in the air.

“So, what should I be looking for?” Dean cracked open a massive book on the titans of ancient Greece and Rome.

“Look at any creature that is connected to time. Tricksters too.” Cas picked up an old, beat up looking copy of what looked like fairy tales and settled into a chair to read.

“Way to pick the tiny book.” Dean looked down at his large book with a raised eyebrow.

“The size does not matter.” Cas went back to reading and seemingly ignored Dean’s pointed look.

Dean snorted with laughter. “Okay, Cas.” They read for over an hour in silence, before Dean spoke. “How about Cronos, titan lord of time?” Dean looked up at Cas.

“Doesn’t seem like his sort of thing. Plus, I can’t picture him taking on the form of Frau Perchta. He was a bit of a misogynist.”

“Well, we did kind of gank her. Maybe he wanted us to do that.”

“Then why pay you back with this?” Cas waved his hands out to signify the whole of their experience.

“Well, what have you got?” Dean sounded a little annoyed. The dusty, dank area that they were holed up in was not exactly comfortable.

“Nothing worth mentioning. I think that I will move on to a better text.” He had already moved on to several texts since the fairy tale book. He got up and took Dean’s text and handed him a smaller one. “Maybe we should trade.”

Dean got up and said, “Maybe it is time for a break.” Cas leaned down and kissed him lightly and then started to walk back to his chair.

“That was enough of a break for you. Now, get back to work.”

Dean decided that _No_ that wasn’t happening. He did play along for a moment though. He tipped back in his chair and kicked his feet up onto the table. He threw a few pointed looks at Cas and when he was sure that he was looking he licked his lips in a long, slow swipe. Cas dipped his head closer to the book on the table in front of him, raising a hand to his forehead as a sort of subtle shield. Dean set down the book and lowered his chair. He stood next to the table and leaned down as if reading while standing was necessary. He stretched his arms up over his head, making himself long and lean. He let out a little stretching noise, rolled his shoulders, and tipped his head from side to side. Cas glanced up and watched Dean’s movements.

Dean read a little from the book, and when he thought that Cas was ignoring him again, he turned his back and sat on the table, lifting the book up to read. He rolled his shoulders again and plotted his next move. He waited a few minutes more and then he complained about the temperature. “It’s warm down here.”

“Is it?” Cas had not moved onto another book yet. Dean looked back and noticed that he hadn’t moved much beyond the pages that he had been on when he first took the book.

“Yeah, I should turn on the air or something. You’re not too warm?”

“I am not affected by temperature fluctuations.” Cas looked down at his book again and turned the page. Dean set aside the book and took off his tee-shirt. He lowered himself back into the chair kicked his legs back up onto the table and leaned back. He made every attempt to avoid looking at Cas. He read from his book; might as well be productive. A minute passed, then two. Dean let his eyes glance quickly up at Cas. He tried to be subtle. Cas was staring at him. Dean did his best to not be obvious about catching him staring, but the little twitch to his lips betrayed him. Another minute passed and he turned the page. The book covered some of the Hindu dieties. He got to a particularly interesting passage: _My Mother is the principle of consciousness. She is Akhanda Satchidananda; indivisible Reality, Awareness, and Bliss. The night sky between the stars is perfectly black. The waters of the ocean depths are the same; The infinite is always mysteriously dark._ He was going to share it with Cas, but apparently it was time for a break.

Dean’s chair slammed back onto the ground and Cas was on him. “Time for a break.” He kissed Dean pinned down on the chair beneath him.

Dean smiled through the kiss enjoying the impact that his little choices had on Cas. “So, you like researching, I see.”

Cas stood up and Dean did too. Cas had tried to turn away, but then he was back. He had Dean pressed up against the stacks of books. His hands ran up Dean’s sides. “When we get back to work you will keep your shirt on.” He sucked at Dean’s lip and Dean pulled at Cas’ belt.

“Maybe.” Cas bit his lip harder.

“Then maybe I will be forced to do my research in another room and just leave you down here.”

Dean gave him an amused look and said, “But it is hotter than Hell down here.”

“You’ll keep your shirt on.” He leaned into Dean’s neck and Dean thought, _that’ll leave a mark._

“I know that you wouldn’t leave me down here alone over one little shirt.”

“I would. Don’t tempt me. I want us to solve this thing.” He leaned back and seemed to enjoy the feel of Dean’s hands on him.

“I’ll try to be less distracting.” Dean leaned into him. Not intending to be any less distracting anytime soon.

“Dean, sometimes I think that you are still a little evil.”

“Cas, sometimes I think that you might be too.”

“I didn’t do anything.” Cas moaned out an unintelligible phrase and Dean moved his mouth to his to eat the words.

They discovered that the table was much more sturdy than it had seemed at first. It was not exactly comfortable though. Dean suggested going back to his room. Cas suggested that he stop making suggestions. There was a book in Dean’s back, the one from before. He pulled it aside and it fell to the floor. “I think that I was wrong about research.”

“Really?”

“It is enjoyable,” Dean said.

Cas laughed at him a little. “This isn’t research.”

“Yes it is.” Dean gave him a knowing grin and pulled him back in. “Just let me be right for once.”

“Okay.”

  
The book research would continue later. They wouldn’t find the time to meet up with Sam because, some types of research took longer than others. When Cas, the merciless researcher, finally released Dean from the task of reading everything, they made their way back to his room. Dean didn’t fight him about how tired he was. He was absolutely exhausted. Cas had seen to that. He curled into the blankets, Cas at his back, and a new day looming out over the horizon of sleep.


	17. Understanding Time After Time

There were things that Dean did not wonder enough about. Too complacent about the loop now after so many resets and repeats, he just seemed to be content most days to burrow into the blankets with Cas or find simple tasks to occupy them. It was often up to Cas to pull him out of the easy path and over to the task of work. Even Cas though, could see the need from time to time to just let Dean do whatever Dean wanted. So it was that after a couple of weeks of repeating the research in the stacks, that Dean woke up with Cas not sitting at the foot of his bed. Instead he was curled up along his back, arm wrapped tight around him.

 

“Are you getting up?” Cas asked into his shoulder.

 

“Figured you’d be pestering me by now. What time is it?” Dean tried to roll over to see the clock, but Cas wasn’t helpful.

 

“Hmm, probably 6:30ish, or maybe 7. Your brother already came in to check on you.” Dean could feel Cas smiling into his back. He rolled over then, and Cas let him.

 

“You really enjoyed that huh?” Dean smiled though. He had lost the need some time ago to cover his affection for Cas where his brother was concerned. He tried not to be too shocking though. He never was much for the whole PDA kind of thing. He also didn’t feel the need to spend tons of time talking about feelings. Sam would want that, but Dean had already had the chick-flick moment with Sam so many times on the same topic, so he was rather done with that.

 

One time after Sam had caught them ‘researching’ in the stacks, he tried to have a chat with Dean. He had, at least, had the decency to retreat from the stacks and wait for Dean to emerge for an actual food break. Dean was too busy for the talk, though. Cas had wanted him to get through a set number of books. He had said that they would quit as soon as he finished. That was all the motivation that he needed. It was enough motivation to make him want to blow off the Sam chat. However, there was Sam’s intense will power, and he had really wanted to talk about his new discovery. _How long have you two been...When were you going to tell me...Does this mean…_ Dean decided on that day that being brusque was the best way to proceed so that he could get back to work.

 

“So homo, Sam.” It had been an odd variant of the other statement he had made countless times before. Then he turned to leave and added. “Look, I’m kind of busy right now. If you want to talk later we can, or you can just accept that I’m good. Cas is good. And just treat it like it is no big deal.” He wondered if this tactic would suffice. If it did, then he would use it everyday.

 

Sam hugged him. _Unexpected_. “Total acceptance, Dean.” He let Dean go. “We’ll talk later, because, well, you know me.”

 

“Okay. I guess that’s the best I could hope for.” Dean had felt like he had accomplished something that day. Now though, with Cas all tangled up around him, he did want to know Sam’s reaction to finding them in bed that morning. “So, what did Sammy do when he saw you here?”

 

“It took him a few moments to process what he was seeing. I may have given him the look that said go away. He may have given me the look that said explain things. I may have kissed you and pulled you closer to me. That seemed to be enough explanation for the time being.”

 

“Hmm, well, that just means that he’ll want to talk later. Did you send him on his running path today, or did he just go?” Dean wondered if Sam had done the loop enough times now to be on autopilot with Pearl, but that wasn’t how it worked with Sam. Sam had to be set to the new path. Just like NomNom, curled up on the chair, had to be saved each morning. These were two things that Dean and Cas did every morning, usually without fail.

 

“I did not. He sort of surprised me a little. Sorry.”

 

“It’s okay. What’s one day?” Dean nuzzled up into Cas’ neck a little and ran his hand up into his hair. Cas pulled the blanket up higher onto Dean’s back and just let him be. “So you aren’t going to prod me into research yet?”

 

“Nope.” NomNom took this opportunity to wake up and jump from the chair to the bed. She landed at Dean’s feet and began climbing Mt. Dean from his legs up to his side. When she got to the pinnacle, she began kneading at him with loud purrs.

 

“So, you finally got tired of research too, huh?” Dean rolled a little and NomNom tumbled onto Cas.

 

“Careful with her. And no. I am not tired of research, but I just recognize the need that you have for a mental break every now and then.” Cas pressed a kiss into his hair.

 

“Well, now, that is practically thoughtful.” Dean got up and looked into his dresser. “Hmm, what to wear.” He turned to Cas. “You want to go into town for a bit? We could wander around together, get some diner breakfast.”

 

“Whatever you want. I’m fine with that?” Dean got dressed and Cas moved to the end of the bed with NomNom. Cas reached out and touched his neatly folded stack of clothes and they were on him. “You think she’ll be okay here while we go out?”

 

“I’ve never had a cat, so I wouldn’t know. Why don’t you ask her?” Cas stared down at her little face and seemed to see her long list of kitten plans.

 

“I believe that she will be quite content here.” He wiggled his fingers over her head and she pawed at them a little, trying to bring them down to her little cat mouth. Dean tossed over a pair of jeans and a navy tee-shirt.

 

“Here, put these on.” Cas gave him a questioning look. “I just thought that maybe you might look nice in them.”

 

“Oh. You don’t like my clothes.” Cas looked down at his outfit, tie askew, white button up, the trenchcoat.

 

“They are you, and fine. I just had a funny thought that it would be nice to see you in my clothes more. It is like you are wearing me or something.” Dean looked away, feeling awkward with the explaining. “If you don’t want to that’s fine.” He turned back and Cas had already changed. He smiled at Dean.

 

“How’s this? Better?”

 

Dean sucked in a breath. “Yeah. We should get out of here before I change our plans.”

 

“Sometimes I think that your mind gets too fixated on one thing. It’s not healthy.” Cas pressed his hand to Dean’s back as they made their way out of the room and down the hall.

 

“You shouldn’t complain. You totally benefit from my little fixations. Plus, I recall a time or two when you have been accused of having a fixation on me, so, yeah.” Dean looked smug and Cas just smiled at that.

 

“I remember several of my brethren calling me on that, come to think of it. Sometimes I think that you are more than a mere human Dean. I use to have no problem doing my duty each day, sitting around observing, strategizing. Then you came along.”

 

Dean’s look changed a little as they got into Cas’ car. Cas handed him the keys so that he could drive. They pulled out and Dean was a little quiet. He felt Cas’ hand on his leg and looked over at him. “I bet you wish sometimes that you could go back to that. It was simpler then.”

 

“Not once.” Cas said this without pause, with full conviction.

 

“Really? I can’t believe that. You had to have questioned your connection with me at least once.” Dean looked back at the road. Cas squeezed his leg a little, drawing a glance.

 

“Like I said, not even once.” Cas sat there quiet for a moment and then asked, “Do you ever wish…”

 

Dean interrupted him before he could finish. “No!” It was a harsh sounding answer. He added, “I have never wished that I could change this. God, Cas. There is no way that I could want a life without you.” He felt awkward again, color rising to his cheeks.

 

“Then why is it so difficult for you to imagine that I feel the same way?” Dean glanced over at Cas and saw sincerity. “I am happy, Dean. Why would I want anything else?”

 

“Not just content? Not just fine?” Dean was harkening back to an old conversation.

 

“I said that I am happy. Sometimes, you have a hard time hearing me, believing me. You are a complicated man, Dean Winchester.” Cas pointed over to a parking stall and Dean pulled in. They wandered the streets, taking in the early stages of the Dickens’ Craft Faire. There was a diner on the other end of the square, not far from where they had handed out presents the other day. Dean took Cas’ hand as they strolled past the booths on the way to food. Cas stopped to look at the booth of an old timey candy maker. There were peppermints. He let his fingers brush over one of the tins and seemed to be considering a purchase.

 

“What, you running low on the silence makers?” Dean wrapped his arm around his waist while he was considering the various candy choices.

 

Cas picked a tin and looked at the man that was selling them. He had an old style handle bar mustache and a bowler cap. He didn’t totally fit the Dickens’ theme, but he would have fit right in with a barbershop quartet. His suspenders over his red and white striped shirt just added to the image. “That’ll be four fifty.” He smiled at the two of them.

 

“Four fifty?” Dean practically squeaked. “Hope these are the best damn peppermints ever.”

 

He fished out some ones and handed them over. The salesman looked at him and said, “I make them all myself. My wife and I run the shop across the way. If you don’t like them, bring them back. I’ll let you try the butterscotch. I actually like that one better.”

 

“Sorry about Dean. He has no manners.” Cas took the change and pocketed the tin. “Next time we will try the butterscotch.”

 

“No worries. My wife has to keep me in check sometimes. I just run my mouth. Never know when to quit. I swear, if it wasn’t for her, I don’t know where I’d be. That’s the point of family though, always pulling you out of the muck.” He was ignoring Dean a little.

 

Dean shuffled about. “You ready, Cas?” Cas just stared. Dean moved his hand to Cas’ shoulder. “Cas?”

 

Cas looked at him. “Yes.” He turned back to the man and added, “Thank you.”

 

“Anytime.”

 

They walked off toward the diner and when they were out of earshot Dean said, “So what was up with that?”

 

“I don’t know, but I think that I have a new direction to take with our research.” They took a seat in the diner, near the back on the same bench seat.

 

“Can you share?” Dean glanced down at the menu and then back at Cas.

 

The waitress came over and took their order with speed and efficiency. Dean ordered for Cas, fully intending to have two meals. “I think that we have been focusing on all of the wrong things. I think that we have made assumptions that have made this whole thing impossible to solve.”

 

“I don’t understand.” Dean was watching Cas’ brow furrow, and his look became more intense.

 

“It isn’t about you. Well, it is, but not the way that we have been thinking. You are not the cause. You are a part of it all, but only because of me.”

 

“Still not following, Cas.”

 

“You are the reset because it was the only way to get my attention. It was like we were saying earlier, I get entirely too fixated on you. This was meant to get my attention.” Cas looked like he had it figured out more than he could fit into a simple explanation.

 

“So, who is doing this?” Dean felt a thin stirring of anticipation in his stomach. _We are going to solve this. We are going to get to have a new day._

 

“That is what we need to figure out. When this happened to your brother, it was my brother that caused it. It can’t be him, but I think that it has to be connected."

  
Dean was excited now. “I can’t imagine that we are going to fix this. I was starting to think that this was going to be everything. I mean, seriously, how many repeated days has it been now?” With that simple slip, Dean found himself whisked back into night, back into his bunker, back into his bed.


	18. Christmas Dreaming

Dean did not wake up right away, but Cas was there. Dean was laying out on the snow bank just outside of the bunker. He was wearing a large, bulky sweater, hat and scarf. Cas was right next to him, warm and bundled up in one of Dean’s sweaters, his trenchcoat, and a knit cap. Dean raised his arms out in an arch and said, “Look, snow angel.”

 

Cas turned his head to him and said, “So this is the kind of stuff you dream about?” Dean laughed, scooped up a handful of snow, and tossed it at Cas’ chest. “Now we have two snow angels.”

 

Cas looked at him like he was not amused and grabbed a small handful of snow that he pushed into Dean’s sweater. Dean yelped, “Aaa, cold, so cold. Not nice. So not nice.” Dean popped up and threw himself on top of Cas. Snow in hand, he returned the favor. “See how you like it.”

 

Cas just smiled up at him. “So this is how you intend to spend your sleeping time. Snow fights and frolicking?” Cas rolled him back onto the snow.

 

“Seriously, you are judging my dreams? This is tame.” Dean’s arms were pinned back, Cas loomed over him.

 

He dipped down close to Dean’s ear and said, “Tell me about the repeating days.” Dean felt the pull of Cas’ lips on his earlobe. He disentangled his hands from Cas’, and ran his hands up under his coat along the ridges of the sweater.

 

“What, you aren’t enjoying this? You want to reset it?” Dean angled his hips up and felt Cas responding to the contact.

 

“I have a theory.” He lowered his mouth to Dean’s and kissed him. Their lips parted together. Dean felt the quick sweep of Cas’ tongue, warm enough to remind him that he was, in fact, lying in snow. It was a dream though, so it was not uncomfortable. Cas pulled away eventually. “I don’t think that we will reset it in your dreams.”

 

“Are you sure?” Dean tipped his head a little. He looked doubtful.

 

“Try it. What’s the worst that could happen?”

 

“That is never a safe thing to say, Cas.” He kissed him again, just in case there was a reset. _I wonder where you go if you reset while in a dream. Guess I’ll find out._ “So, everyday we reset. We are stuck in a time loop today and it will never end.” Dean closed his eyes a little and gritted his teeth in anticipation. Nothing happened. Cas smiled down at him. Dean slowly eased his tense muscles back into relaxation. “Whoohooo!” Dean jumped up and Danced around in the snow. Cas had been knocked back a little into the wall of snow along the edge of the bunker. He looked pleased.

 

“I thought that might work.” Cas smiled.

 

Dean bounded over to him and lifted him out of the snow into a crushing hug. They spun around a little. “Hey, Cas, guess what?”

 

“What Dean?”

 

“This day repeats. You and I have been living the same day for nearly a year. Maybe more. I don’t know anymore. Crazy, huh?” Dean was grinning. He looked a little crazy.

 

“I guess that it feels pretty good to just be able to speak of it.”

 

“You don’t even know. It feels like I can finally talk to you. I kept feeling like I was going to mess up, every time that I opened my mouth. It made everything difficult.” Cas reached down and brushed off his snow covered pants. He looked over Dean’s shoulder.

 

“What’s happening with Sam over there?” Dean turned and looked over at Sam, who was in the distance building a snowman.

 

“Oh, yeah, that. Sometimes when I dream, he and I just hang out. We talk like we can’t when we are awake, because it gets too complicated. Once you and I started our, whatever this is…” Dean made a swirly motion with his hand and continued, “I started dreaming of him building a snowman, talking to people, and just sort of doing random things in the background. Once he was chasing butterflies. It was funny. Lately, it is this.” He pointed. Sam wasn’t alone. There was a woman and a child with him.

 

“Do you ever go over and take a closer look?”

 

“Why? I already know what is happening. It is my dream?” Dean shrugged.

 

“Let’s go over.” Cas took Dean’s hand, and they walked over together.

 

“Hey, Dean. Hey, Cas.” Sam was pushing a stick into the side of the snowman to make it have an arm. “This is Frankie and Pearl.” Sam pointed at the two people that were helping him make the snowman.

 

“Hey there.” Dean tipped his fingers to his head in a little salute at them. He watched as they helped Sam put the finishing touches on the snowman.

 

“How about these for buttons, Sam?” Frankie rushed over with pieces of bark that she had scrounged from nearby.

 

“That looks great. Let’s put them on together.” They pushed the pieces into the snowman’s belly. Pearl walked over to Sam and pulled him into a kiss by grabbing the ends of his knitted cap. When she pulled away, she also pulled the cap off. She seemed to dance over to the snowman with it.

 

“This will make a good hat for the snowman.” They smiled at each other and Dean was warm with the joy of seeing his brother looking so happy.

 

“It matters Dean.” Cas slipped his arm around Dean’s waist. “It has all been about family. It has all been about saving our families.”

 

Dean turned his attention to Cas. “Is Sammy in danger?”

 

“No. It is my family that is in danger. I have lived through enough days with you and Sam to finally see just how important even little things are. We can’t let little things slide. We can’t just passively accept certain losses as though they are nothing. Doing that makes it far too easy for us to accept big losses.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I accepted certain losses in my family and even in yours. This world is meant to teach us that we have to fight to save those that we love. Whether it is from a fate that never takes them down the right path…” He pointedly looked at Sam and Pearl. “Or if it takes them to the grave. We must always do what we can, what we must. It all matters.”

 

“What will we need to do, Cas?” Dean wrapped his arms around him, fearing the answer a little.

 

“I will do what I must. You will just keep living.”

 

“What does that mean?” Dean felt a new fear creeping up into his bones.

 

“I intend to fix this, but you will need to make sure that the day runs properly. Make sure that Sam meets his people, that NomNom gets saved, and that all of the most important things, happen. I wont’ be able to come to you each morning like I had been. You’ll have to trust though that it is for the best.”

 

“Will I still see you?” Dean sounded worried.

 

“Every chance that I get. Fixing this is a priority though.”

 

“I get that. I have to see you though. It is vital.” Dean leaned into him. He felt the warm brush of lips on his head. Cas smoothed his hand over Dean’s back.

 

“I won’t ever be far from you.” Then Sam, Pearl, and Frankie started singing.

 

Dean turned to them and joined in the song a little. It was “White Christmas.” “The dream often ends this way. Guess I’ll be waking up soon.”

  
Cas watched them as they sang. Dean seemed to sing to Cas. His voice melodious like it never was in his waking life. It lasted for a time before Dean awoke back in his room, alone.


	19. Memories of Christmas Gone

Cas wasn’t there and neither was NomNom. So Dean got up and threw on his clothes quickly then made his way out to the walking trail. She was there. He scooped her up and cradled her against his chest. “Sorry, I don’t have Cas’ healing mojo, but I’ll get you warmed up.” He carried her back inside and bundled her up in a blanket. She let out a little mew and seemed to respond to the improvement in her surroundings. Dean was trying to decide whether or not to leave her in the bunker later and go to the pet store to get her supplies when he heard the familiar voice at his back. “Hello, Dean.”

“Cas. I thought that I wouldn’t see you until later.” Dean walked over to him and wrapped his arms around him.

“That was the plan. Here.” He handed Dean pet supplies for NomNom and then walked over to her. He stroked a healing touch into her body and then returned to Dean. “I need you to go with me to the tree lot.”

“Did you figure something out?” Dean started to move toward the door, but Cas stopped him with a hand to his shoulder.

“Just wait.” He looked into Dean’s eyes for a long moment. Dean squirmed about for a second before ending it with a kiss on Cas’ nose. “Not helping, Dean. Just hold still. Let me look at you.”

Dean smirked, “Moving is half the fun.” He started to move into Cas a little, then he noticed the look of intensity that was filling Cas’ face.

“Hmm.” Cas reached up to cup Dean’s cheek. “I need you to come with me.”

“Okay. You haven’t explained yet, just so you know.” Dean followed him out to Cas’ car. They got in and Cas drove at a fast clip to the tree lot. “Make with the explaining Cas.”

“I’ll know for sure when we get there. I think that the cremation site is a portal.” Cas delivered the last in a matter of fact manner that felt odd to Dean. He had called the spot where Frau Perchta had be taken down a cremation site on more than one occasion. He wanted to know why. He felt like there were many things that he needed to know, but it seemed that even with infinite time, there was never time enough for a simple explanation.

He decided to go with a simple question as they pulled up to the lot. It was still incredibly early so there were no people there yet. “Why did you call it a cremation site?”

They walked directly toward the scorched site and Cas answered as they went. “You were drawn to this. She was meant to be a sacrifice. She was a trigger for the portal. I think that she was also selected because of what she was, who she would punish.”

“She was punishing people that were disorderly or lazy,” Dean offered up.

“Yes, she also punished people that seemed to spend time being a little tricky. Jokers,” Cas added. They stood at the edge of the sooty circle. Cas stooped down. “She burned, leaving behind coal for us. We were not determined to be worthy of anything more this holiday.”

“Haha, Cas. So you are saying that the coal wasn’t her defeat. It was our holiday gift.” Dean reached out to the coal in the circle.

Cas quickly reached out and took his hand. “Don’t.” Dean looked at him, confused.

“You said that this is a portal?” Dean had a questioning tone.

“Yes.” He was staring at Dean again with the same intensity that he had back at the bunker.

“To where?”

“To Gabriel.” Cas stood and Dean stood too.

“He’s dead.” Dean reached out a hand to Cas’ arm, worried that he was going to get his hopes up. _Gabriel was gone; there was no bringing him back._

“Like that matters. We know a thing or two about the permanence of death or lack thereof.” Dean had to give him that.

“So, Gabriel made a portal out of Frau Perchta? Gotta say, Cas, I don’t get it.”

“No, Gabriel did not make the portal. Frau Perchta stories have a great many connections to stories in other cultures. One such connection firmly links Frau Perchta to Kali. They are both linked with the duality of light and dark.” Dean was starting to believe. His brows furrowed up with consideration as Cas continued. “Kali, like Cronus in a way, has power over time. She bends realities. I believe that she used Frau Perchta in a cremation ritual, burning her away temporarily to start the portal. I believe that she is trying to draw my brother out.”

Dean was starting to feel overwhelmed by the amount of information that he was taking in. “Why does she…” He paused, worried over a potential reset. “So, if she has made a portal to bring Gabriel back, does she need help with that? What is our purpose in this, because, yeah, clearly we are needed for something.”

Cas took Dean’s hand, “When she tried to draw him out, she knew, I think, that it would not be smooth. She set you and your brother on this hunt for Frau Perchta because, I think that she believed that two vessels would draw him out whole, or at least only partially fractured. She was wrong. He may have come out in quite a few pieces. Some of those pieces, I have found and brought here. You however, have a larger piece of him. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. I guess that you were too distracting.” Cas smiled at him, still holding his hand. “I took him from your brother this morning, before I came to you. He might not remember what happened. I need to take the grace from you now too.”

“How will you do this?” Cas pulled out a vial attached to a long, intimidating needle.

“I need you to trust me.”

Dean tipped back his head and said, “I always do.” Instead of the sharp prick of the needle, Dean felt the press of Cas’ lips to his neck. The rough scrape of stubble rubbed up to his jaw then to his mouth. Dean felt Cas’ mouth open and he tasted him. Dean’s tongue brushed along smooth teeth, then back further, sparring with Cas’ tongue. Cas hummed a bit on the kiss, winding his one hand back up into Dean’s hair.

He slipped back from Dean and said, “I will remind you every day, who you love and who loves you in return.” Dean did not get a chance to ask why this would be necessary. He felt the sharpness of the needle at his neck. He could see the swirl of blue light filling the vial. He gripped Cas’ arms, wanting to stop him, but not doing so at the same time. His legs gave out and he sunk to the ground. He felt his mind growing dark as he watched Cas remove the needle, carry the vial over to the ‘portal,’ and empty the grace onto the scorched earth.

* * *

Dean woke up in his bed with a splitting headache. Cas was sitting on the side of the bed with a kitten in his lap. Dean sat up and glanced at the clock on his nightstand. It was 5:00 pm. He was trying to remember how he had gotten into the bed. Cas was watching him with a quiet intensity. “What happened?” Dean tried not to move too fast. His head was swimming like it was experiencing a grand hangover.

“I extracted the grace from you and returned it to my brother. I brought you back here to recuperate.” Cas reached out a hand to him and let it rest on Dean’s leg. “Are you okay?”

Dean looked down at Cas’ hand. It was distractingly much closer to his upper thigh than to his knee. He tried not to focus on that. _He is just worried._ The hand lingered there though and Cas had asked a question. _What did he ask? Oh, yeah._ “I have a headache, but I think that I am okay.”

“What do you remember?” Cas moved closer, and seemed intent on staring directly into his eyes.

_Focus, Winchester. Answer his question._ “Sammy and I ganked a witch last night. She burned up. I don’t know anything about this grace extraction that you mentioned. What brother needed grace and why did I have it?” Cas looked a little sad. His hand slipped from Dean’s thigh and returned to the kitten. “Shit, Cas don’t tell me that some archangel needs a righteous vessel again.” He tried to sound light, but Cas just looked so sad.

“Not entirely.”

Dean reached out to him then and rested his hand on his shoulder. “You okay?” Cas didn’t respond right away. “Hey, Cas, buddy. You okay?” Cas slumped down further, pressing his head to the kitten. Dean tried another path. “When did you get a kitten?”

Cas seemed to shake a little under Dean’s touch then he looked up at Dean with his too sad, blue eyes. “Her name is NomNom.” He stood then and marched out of the room with the fuzzy creature tucked into the crook of his arm. “I will be back later tonight.”

* * *

Dean tried to follow Cas out, but he was gone before Dean even left the room. Truth be told, Dean didn’t move too fast. His head made everything swirly and confusing. “Angels.” Dean sounded mildly irritated. He did not understand why Cas seemed so sad. It seemed like everything was fine. He wandered down to Sam’s room. Sam was sitting up in the bed with his laptop. “Hey, seen Cas?” Dean asked as he came in and sat on the bed.

“Yeah, he told me some weird story about grace extraction and then left with a kitten.”

“Sounds like my experience. You okay?”

Sam ran his hand up to his neck and said, “Yeah, mostly. I just feel like I am coming off of a major bender. You?”

“Same. It would have been nice to have gotten a more solid explanation.” Dean paused for a moment and ran his hand up into his hair. He had other worries too. “Did Cas seem sad to you? I mean like actually a little depressed.” Dean thought about what they had said, and it just didn’t make sense. He thought a little too about Cas’ hand on his leg and the way that felt, but then he swiftly shoved that thought aside.

“He seemed a little off. Maybe he's just worried. Did he say that anything was wrong?”

“No, but he said that he would be back tonight. Maybe we can get some answers then.” Dean stood. “You know, even with this headache, I feel like I could eat a horse. You want dinner?”

“Sure. You cooking or buying?” Sam didn’t seem to have a preference either way.

“Cooking. I don’t want to drive when I feel like this, but cooking seems doable. I’ll holler at you when it is ready.”

Dean left the room and found his way to the kitchen. He pulled out sliced ham from the other night and a couple of sweet potatoes that needed peeling and cooking. He was deeply focused when he heard Sam come into the kitchen some time later.

“You about done? I'm starving.” Dean looked over at the clock and saw that it was nearly 7:00.

“Yeah, sorry about that. I got carried away.” He started pulling together the food and dishing it up for both he and Sam. They ate in near silence. When they finished Dean said, “I am worried about Cas. Something was wrong.”

“You could call him.” Sam offered up around a final mouthful of ham.

“Yeah, but I don’t want to bother him. He’ll come back later, and then I can pester him.”

“Or you can pester him now.” Sam pointed past Dean to the doorway. Sam scooped up his plate and put it in the sink. “I'm going to head back to bed. I still feel like the world is swimming around behind my eyes a little.” He gave his brother a pat as he passed and Dean stood. He took his plate to the sink and then joined Cas at the doorway.

“You okay?” Dean reached out to him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“I will be. Are you okay?” Cas reached out to him next.

“Sure. My head isn’t swimming as much as Sam’s.” He moved past Cas then and out of the kitchen. He stopped at the record player in the conference area and turned on some Christmas music. “Seems like we need a little festive music to lighten the mood. You seem sad.”

Cas pulled NomNom out of his pocket and set her on the floor. She wandered off a little, tail held high. “I am, but it will pass.” The music was a little too loud. Dean walked back to it and turned it down. It was “White Christmas.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Dean walked over to the couch and sat on the arm of it. Cas walked over to him and stood just in front of him.

“How does one explain more than a year of events succinctly? How does one explain a year of development and progress?” Cas looked defeated again. “I just don’t know how I do this without you helping me. I know that I said that I would make you see it all again, but I am at a loss as to how.”

Dean stood, and they were awkwardly close. “Cas, I don’t know what you're talking about. I need you to break this down into something a little more comprehensible.” He put his hands up onto Cas’ shoulders. “And as for you having to do something without me, well, hate to be captain obvious, but I am right here.” Cas looked up into his eyes with that sad look again. Dean wanted to fix that. _How do I fix that?_ Cas lowered his head to Dean’s chest. Dean didn’t know what to do, so he just kept his hands on Cas’ shoulders.

“This day repeats. It is like it was when Gabriel made Sam repeat the same day over and over. It is now happening to me, to us.” Cas’ head was still tucked to Dean’s chest, and Dean thought that this was a good thing, because he didn’t want Cas to see the flush of color that warmed his face at the mentioning of the word _us_. There was a reverence to the way that Cas said it that made Dean want to pull Cas closer, but he didn’t. Cas was his friend, he thought.

He wrapped his mind around Cas’ other words though. _This day is repeating._ He quietly accepted this. Cas lifted his head and looked at Dean. “Okay, Cas.” He gave him a little squeeze. “Tell me how to help you.”

“Tomorrow, I will need to get more grace. I will need to find the people that it fell into. I believe that there will be three more if it stayed mostly in tact. I will also need to make the repeating day right. You told me to make sure that it was right. I owe you that.”

“You don’t owe me anything, Cas.” Dean sat back down, and it broke the connection between them a little.

“I do. You wanted me to make sure that Sammy got off to the right start, and there was a lot of other stuff that we needed to do too. I got NomNom taken care of. I just don’t know how to fix this.” He gestured toward Dean. “I can’t just say, we were different. It won’t fix all that was taken away.”

“What do you mean by _we were different_?” Dean felt a nervousness clenching in his gut. _What was Cas saying?_

“Your life has been on repeat for a long time. We have been on repeat for a long time. When I removed Gabriel’s grace, you lost all of the memories from that time.” Cas ran his fingers up Dean’s arm.

“What are you saying, Cas?” Dean really felt nervous now. He felt the way that Cas was touching his arm carried an intimacy that he was unprepared for.

“You are in love with me.” Dean got up quickly, too quickly.

“No. You are mistaken.” Cas backed away and Dean stalked past him in two quick strides. “Gabe is playing some sort of trick on you, because he is a trickster. Or maybe he is just messing with me. He use to do that you know.” Dean was flushed and babbling.

Cas reached down to NomNom, then stood up again. “I’ll be going.” He started for the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” Dean was still flustered and didn’t know what to do.

 **  
** “Wait.” Cas turned, a momentary hope flashed across his face. It retreated when Dean spoke again. “I am sure that it will be better tomorrow. We’ll have a good laugh about this then.” Dean tried to sound casual. “It’ll be okay, buddy.” He started to reach for Cas’ arm and then stopped. Cas looked broken. Cas turned from him and headed out the door.


	20. The Familiarity of Christmas

Dean woke up the next day and Cas was sitting in the chair at the side of the bed. The kitten, NomNom, Dean had to remind himself, was sitting in his lap. “How long have you been here?”

 

“Not long.” Cas got up and set NomNom down on the foot of Dean’s bed. He opened up one of Dean’s dresser drawers and pulled out jeans and a tee-shirt. He reached out a hand to a second shirt and some jeans. He touched them and had them on himself. Dean was looking at him, confused.

 

“What are you doing, Cas?” Dean got up and started to slip out of his sweats and into the jeans. Cas looked off to the side, seeming to give him privacy.

 

“I just wanted to wear something different. You don’t mind, do you?” Cas stood and glanced back at Dean as he changed out of his shirt and into the new one that Cas had laid out.

 

“I don’t mind. It was just unexpected.” Dean got up and rummaged around until he found his shoes and a pair of socks. He sat back down and started to put them on.

 

“It was something that you use to let me do. You encouraged it.” Cas looked like he was ready to go. He edged past Dean.

 

“I did? Why did I do that?” Dean followed him out to the hall and toward the garage. Dean was already thinking that wherever they were going, he was going to drive his baby.

 

“You wanted me to be in your clothes because you said that it was like I was wearing you.”

 

Dean paused in his trajectory. He turned to Cas “What the, Hell, Cas. That does not even sound like me. God, Gabe really pulled a number on you.” He turned back to his path and picked up his pace a bit.

 

Cas fell into step at his side as they approached the car. Cas got into the car and Dean rounded the car to his own side. “We need to go downtown,” Cas said in a flat, dry monotone.

 

Dean headed out of the garage and down the road. He reached over to the stereo and turned it on. He did not crank up the volume. He fumbled around a little until he found his AC/DC tape and slipped it into the deck. “So, where do you want me to go?”

 

“Just park over at the diner. You need to eat. It is also where we need to be.” Dean didn’t argue. He hadn’t realized how hungry he actually was. They made their way in and took a table at the back. Dean sat first. He faced the exit. Cas moved to sit beside him, but Dean stopped him.

 

“You should sit across from me. It is easier to talk that way.” Dean pointed to the other bench seat.

 

“Oh, we usually sit on the same side.” Cas muttered out as he took the offered seat.

 

Dean seemed like he was all too willing to avoid that conversational path. “So, tell me what our plan is today.”

 

“We need to kidnap Santa.” Cas said it with no emotion.

 

Dean choked a little. “Oh, okay, Cas. Go big or go home, I guess.”

 

“I walked through town yesterday, well the other yesterday or today. I watched people. I watched them until the reset occurred. I checked on Santa. He was one of the ones that you wanted me to help. Turns out that he was sick possibly because of the grace. His body is having a hard time tolerating it. It amazes me how much I didn’t see before. I was perfectly willing to believe that it was just food poisoning that he was experiencing. I even healed him and didn’t see the real issue.” Cas kept glancing around the diner, avoiding eye contact while he spoke. The waitress came to their table, a pretty young blonde with a slight, willowy figure. Dean immediately took note, sat up, and did his head nod that seemed to say _hey there_ in the most flirty manner possible.

 

Cas looked back and forth between them, and Dean placed his order. She turned to him next, “And you, Sugar? What can I bring you?”

 

“Nothing.” Then Cas seemed to realize that he sounded rude and added, “Thank you.” Dean watched and wondered about what was happening in Cas’ head. _Fucking Gabriel._ Dean watched Cas avoid looking at him. He let his eyes fall on Cas’ hand, resting on the table. He let his eyes trail up the hand to the arm and back up to his face. Cas was still staring off out the window.

 

 _I need to get him talking. It isn’t good for him to be this unhappy. Plus, he is dwelling on stupid shit that Gabe put in his head. I need to help him get past that. He’d do that for me._ “So, what sorts of things did I do this past year that I don’t remember? You want to fill in the gaps?” _Way to go Winchester, this topic can only go horribly._

 

Cas just looked at him. His eyes seemed to bore into him a little. Then he spoke. “You spent a fair amount of time trying to construct perfect days. You were happy.”

 

“Hmm, happy?” Dean really doubted that. “What was my idea of a perfect day?” Dean thought about his answers but pushed those aside to better hear Cas’ perspective.

 

“There were many perfect days. You seemed happiest when you managed to get Sam off to a good start. You sent him on a run that lead to him meeting a woman. We made sure to send him on that path everyday. He was happy, and that made you happy.” Cas’ fingers drummed the table a little.

 

“Now that sounds like me.” Dean smiled over at Cas. “What else did I do?”

 

“Once, you decorated the whole bunker. It looked very festive. You made holiday food and even had a tree set up. You told Sam and I that you wanted us to be happy. We thought that you were possessed.” Cas smiled with the memory.

 

“That sounds like me. I am a secret Christmas fan. Don’t tell Sam though.” Dean leaned back from the table a little as the waitress came back with his food. She slid the plate over to him and looked back at Cas.

 

“You sure you don’t want something?” She looked like she really wanted to bring something.

 

So Cas said, “Coffee would be great.” She smiled at him, and went off to get him his drink.

 

“I think that she likes you.” Dean spoke around a mouthful of food.

 

“Don’t talk while you are eating.” Cas looked away from him.

 

Dean opened his mouth with a full complement of foods in it and made an attention seeking hum at Cas. Cas just looked at him, rolled his eyes and turned back to the window. Dean swallowed down the food and said, “You’re no fun, Cas.” Cas got up and moved over to the other side of the booth next to Dean. “What are you doing?”

 

“I need to see Santa. He just came in.” Cas nodded over to the door where Santa stood. He wasn’t wearing the costume, but he still looked the part. He walked up to the counter and said a few things to the waitress there. She took his money and then went over to the waitress station to start packaging up his to-go order. “Eat faster Dean.” Cas’ coffee came and he spoke to the waitress. “We will need our check.” He gulped down the coffee, and Dean shoveled the last of the eggs down his throat.

 

Dean felt Cas’ arm brush against his as they sat there, too close. He thought about sliding over a bit more to give Cas room, but _why bother._ _They were just going to leave soon anyway._ Cas was warm. Dean could feel the warmth spreading up through his arm. The waitress came back with the check and Dean leaned over to pull out his wallet. The move created a little separation between them. He pulled out a twenty and set it on the tag. When he put his wallet back into his pocket, he found himself back in his old position. Cas did not move. Dean tried to focus on the Santa man instead of Cas. _Why am I thinking about his? Fucking Gabriel._ Dean shifted a bit in his seat. Cas looked over at him then back at Santa. “He looks like he is going,” Dean said pointlessly.

 

Cas got up then and Dean followed. Santa was walking down the street to an old beat to Hell pick-up truck. Luckily, Santa was not parked too far from them. They got in their car and followed him. He drove just out of town to a small apartment complex. He went into one of the first floor units. “We should do this now.” Cas got out of the car and headed over to the door.

 

“So, do we just barge in and take the grace, or is there going to be some explaining?” Dean stood next to Cas just outside the door. They were close again. _We always end up standing too close._ Dean shuffled a slight step away.

 

“That is why I brought you. I lack people skills.” The edge of Cas’ lip raised up in a half smile.

 

Dean had to laugh a little. “You picked the wrong Winchester then.” Dean walked up to the door and gave it a quick knock.

 

“Well, at least you are good company,” Cas added as they waited for Santa to answer.

 

Cas seemed happier, or at least he seemed to be less depressed in that moment. Dean smiled a little at that. He didn’t have much time to think about it though as the door in front of him opened. He hadn’t really considered what they would need to say. “Hello, Santa.” Dean felt lame the moment the greeting fell from his lips. _Cas definitely picked the wrong Winchester._

 

“Can I help you?” Santa looked at him like he was a little nervous. Clearly, he did not get many strangers knocking on his door. Cas decided that Dean was going to be of no help and raised his fingers to Santa’s head.

 

Santa fell back in a loud thump. “I thought that we were going to use our words, Cas.” Dean stepped over Santa, grabbed his arms, and pulled him back into the apartment. Cas closed the door behind them.

 

“It was going to become complicated.” Dean stood there processing Cas’ words. Something about them seemed familiar. He stared at Cas willing the familiarity to take a more decided shape in his head. Instead he just felt awkward as Cas stared back at him. He leaned down and tried to lift Santa.

 

“Hey, wanna help with this?” Cas came over and lifted the other half of Santa and they moved him to the bed. “Maybe when he wakes up in bed, he won’t think that anything weird happened.”

 

“Okay.” Cas then pulled out a large vial with a very intimidating needle attached to it. Dean stared at it. Another wave of familiarity washed over him. Cas leaned down to Santa and put the needle into his neck. The vial filled with the swirling blue light of Gabriel’s grace. Dean found himself leaning closer to watch. He was hovering over Cas’ shoulder. As the needle came out, Dean let out the breath that he had been holding. He did not know why it made him nervous, the extraction, but it did. There was something about the familiarity of it.

 

He didn’t move away from Cas right away. He just kept standing with his chest up against Cas’ back looking over his shoulder. Cas stood back up slowly. Dean moved with him, then he stepped back.

 

“So, you got it all?” Dean felt awkward. He ran his hand up through his hair and looked down at Santa.

 

“Yes. We will need to wait to take it to the tree lot. There will be too many people there.” Cas tipped his head a little and stared at him. “Are you okay, Dean?”

 

“Yeah, why?” Dean tried to turn to go, but Cas caught his arm and stared at him some more. “I’m fine, Cas.” Cas looked visibly annoyed then and stalked out of the room.

 

Dean could hear him saying under his breath the words _fine, fine fine,_ over and over with irritation. It was as if that one word had offended him.

 

* * *

They had driven back to the bunker to kill time while they waited for nightfall. This should have been the easy part, but Dean was never good at waiting. Sam, also, added a little something to the situation. Before they even entered the bunker, Dean could hear the sounds of the holiday music that Sam seemed to have on constant repeat.

 

When they came in Dean could see that Sam had been hard at work. There was a tree and the conference table was decorated and had an impressive food spread laid out on it. Sam came in from the hall that lead to the kitchen. He was carrying a tray with cider. He was wearing a Santa hat and the world’s ugliest Christmas sweater. “Hey guys. Merry Christmas Eve!” Sam set down the tray and walked up to Dean and lifted him into a giant hug. Dean stiffened. _This is familiar._

 

Dean looked over at Cas and said, “I think that he is possessed.” Sam set him down then and walked over to Cas. Cas took a step back though.

 

“No, Sam.” He held up his hand and Sam seemed like he was perfectly content with ignoring the angel’s wishes. Dean could see that going all kinds of wrong, so he stepped in between them.

 

Sam seemed to get the message. “Oh, sorry. Only you get to hug the angel.” Sam smirked and walked back to his cider.

 

“No, means no Sammy. Just respecting the angel’s wishes.” Dean looked back at Cas who was just standing there awkwardly.

 

“Or you were just about to become all sorts of jealous. Here.” He handed Dean a mug of cider and then another one to Cas. “Happy holidays, you two.”

 

“Thanks Sam.” Cas took a small sip from his mug. Dean did the same with his, but quickly stopped.

 

“Damn, that is hot.” Cas smiled a little at Dean’s outburst.

 

“Everytime,” Cas muttered.

 

“What?” Dean set the mug down and looked over at Cas.

 

“Sam always makes your cider too hot. It doesn’t matter what time of day or night it is, you will get burned by whatever your brother serves you. It is becoming quite funny.”

 

“Yeah, well, maybe you have a very weird sense of humor.” Then Dean turned toward the kitchen, nose in the air. “Whatcha cooking? Smells like ham.”

 

“Yeah. I haven’t taken it out of the oven yet.”

 

“It was already cooked. Hope you aren’t drying it out in there. Mind if I go save it?”

 

“Go for it.”

 

* * *

Dean did not come right back into the main room with the ham. He lingered in the hall for a bit instead. Sam and Cas were talking. He leaned against the wall and tried to tune out the holiday music so that he could better hear the two of them.

 

“You seem a little better now than you were this morning.” Sam had the tone that usually sent Dean into avoidance. It was the let’s have a talk about our feelings tone.

 

“I am fine.” Dean cringed when he heard the word. He understood now why Cas was so unhappy before.

 

“Hmm, you sure?”

 

“No, but I will be. I worry about Dean. It took a long time for him to be happy, and now he back to where he was over a year ago. I am worried that I made a mistake taking the grace from him.”

 

“There wasn’t anything else that you could have done.” Sam sounded like he was trying to be comforting.

 

“I don’t know. Maybe I could have given him my grace instead. Then, at least, Dean would still have his memories.” Dean felt himself becoming suddenly irritated. _What the hell, Cas. Why are these memories so God damn important. Why do you always have to keep finding ways to throw yourself on the fucking altar?_ He almost stormed out there, but Sam spoke, so he didn’t.

 

“Dean would have been angry then. He hates when you do things like that for him. He is the only one that gets to sacrifice in our dysfunctional family.”

 

“I recall you making a few sacrifices yourself over the years.”

 

“Yeah, but Dean is not a fan of those moments. He is possibly even less a fan of you making those choices.”

 

“Well, that may have been true once, but I am not sure if that is still true. I think that I irritate him now.” Cas sounded sad again. Dean thought about what he had said. He felt guilty. He had been cold to Cas when he needed comfort. He felt really guilty.

 

“Cas it hasn’t been that long. What? Has it even been a full day. Give it time. We apparently have a lot of that.”

 

“I know that it has only been a day, but I can see beyond it to a whole sea of days that will be like this last one. I think that he lost more than the memories.”

 

“What do you mean?” Sam sounded worried.

 

“He was just cold.”

 

“Hmm, like when he…”

 

“No. Not like that. He was just not like he had been.” Dean knew what they were talking about, and he had heard enough. He didn’t like thinking about that time. He didn’t like thinking about how he had not been himself, how he had hurt people, especially Sammy. He cleared his throat in the hall and noisily entered the room. He set down the ham with a thunk on the table.

 

* * *

The meal happened; although, Dean was not really hungry. The diner food had sat heavily in his stomach. They didn’t talk much. Dean couldn’t think of much to say. He worried that he would just seem cold or mean again. Ironically, his silence made him seem cold and perhaps a little mean. Sam cornered him in the kitchen when he was doing the dishes. Cas was out in the main hall, hovering, waiting for night.

 

“What is up with you?” Sam seemed like he was gearing up for a fight.

 

“What are you talking about?” Dean was fine with fighting Sam if that was what was needed.

 

“Why are you being weird with Cas? What’s your deal?” Sam leaned against the counter and faced him.

 

Dean shut off the water. “I don’t want to say anything stupid that upsets him. He was sad enough all day. It’s like he wants me to be someone else, then I talk and let him down.”

 

“Maybe he just wants you to be yourself. You know, instead of the giant douche that you have been for the last couple of hours.”

 

“I didn’t think that I was being rude, just quiet.”

 

“Really?” Sam leveled his gaze at him.

 

“What?”

 

“Oh, so when he touched your arm and you said, _no homo_ , that was you trying to be nice?” _Sam had a point_.

 

“Not my finest moment. He threw me earlier, that’s all.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“It’s nothing.”

 

“Tell me. How did he throw you?” Sam looked like he wasn’t going to give up so Dean gave in.

 

“He said that I was in love with him. He said that the grace extraction took away those memories.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Dean barreled onward, because he wasn’t going to let Sam go down the path that he clearly was already on. “Which is completely ridiculous. I told him that too. I am sure that Gabriel is messing with us, with him. I just gotta wonder why he would do that. What does he gain from dicking around with us like that?”

 

“Or, maybe you did love him.” Sam said it quietly as if he worried that Dean might flip out again and barrel down a path of denial.

 

“Nah. Me and Cas, we’re buddies. Gabriel is just messing with us. Maybe it will get sorted out when the last of his grace is returned. Maybe, I’ll take him to the diner again. There was a nice waitress that seemed interested in him.” Dean seemed to be looking for an exit strategy for this conversation. He plucked up the washrag and dried his hands on it. He turned for the door and stopped, because that exit just lead to Cas. _Damn it._

 

“Uh, I don’t think that Cas would be interested in that.” Sam pushed off from the counter and strolled over to Dean.

 

“Of course he is. He just needs a little help from his wingman. He doesn’t get out much.”

 

“No, I really don’t think that he would like a casual hook-up with a waitress.”

 

“Well, maybe it wouldn’t be casual.” Dean was growing very uncomfortable with the conversation. _Okay, maybe I don’t really want him to meet up with the waitress, but I should help him meet someone. He deserves that._

 

“Dean, do you really not see it? I mean, you seem to see it. You say stupid things that make it clear that you see it.” Sam reached out to him and put his hand on his arm. He leveled his gaze at him again, like he was really trying to read him.

 

“What are you going on about?”

 

“He is in love with you, Dean. Why else would he be so sad?” Sam stood there silently taking in Dean’s equally silent reaction. “Dude, you can’t be that dense. It is absolutely obvious. Plus, you, at least the you that Cas remembers, you had the same feelings.”

 

“It’s just Gabriel messing with us.” But even Dean didn’t believe himself this time. Truth just makes sense when you hear it said just right.

 

“Sure, Dean. Gabriel just pulled the longest con ever. Sounds down right funny. I bet that he is all kinds of entertained by this little situation.” Sam’s eyebrows were crinkled up, evidence of his exasperation with Dean.

 

“He has a horrible sense of humor.” Dean even thought that this sounded weak.

 

“Go talk to Cas.” Sam pushed Dean toward the door.

 

Dean resisted. “What about?”

 

“God, Dean.” He pushed harder.

 

Dean looked at the clock and thought that it might be time to head to the tree lot anyway. He walked out to the front room and Cas was not there. He made his way up the stairs and out the front door. Cas was standing off by his car, staring out at the night sky. Dean walked over to him. _What do I say? Hey, sorry for being an asshole. Hey, sorry your brother sucks. Mine kinda does sometimes too, like right now. Stupid chick-flick talks. Stupid Sam._

 

Instead of talking though, Dean leaned against the car and didn’t worry about the way that they were a little pressed up against each other. Cas let out a small breath of a sigh but didn’t speak either. Cas was holding the vial in his hands, tipping it this way and that. The swirling effect of the grace so contained was mesmerizing.

 

“I could give you this grace, and then you would have your memories back.” Cas looked over at Dean.

 

Dean put his hand over Cas’ hands that were holding the grace. “No, Cas.”

 

Cas looked up at him. Snow began falling. It had been falling before. Cas had a large flake sticking to the side of his hair. Dean reached out and brushed it aside. “I want you to remember.”

 

“I want you to have your brother back.” Dean stopped brushing aside the flakes. They just kept falling anyway. He moved his hand to rest on the car behind Cas’ back.

 

“I can just give him my grace. He’ll live and you’ll remember. It is a good plan.” Cas was trying to sound positive. He was failing at it a little.

 

“No, Cas. I don’t want you to do that.” He turned a little, facing him to make his point.

 

He looked small in this moment. Dean almost had to laugh at that thought, but he didn’t. _Cas is anything but small._ There was just something about the moment though. Dean wanted to fix this. He wanted to help Cas find happiness. He moved his hand up to Cas’ back, hoping that it would feel like comfort. He remembered all of the times that Cas had done so for him. So many moments when he had felt the warm press of his hand right there. It never felt like a demand or something that even needed to be acknowledged. It was just Cas, being there, being Cas.

 

Cas leaned into Dean’s arm a little. “You really did love me.”

 

“So, you keep saying.” Dean decided not to fight him much. _It didn’t matter much anyway._ “What if we just take care of this Gabriel grace problem, get your brother back, and deal with messy emotional baggage later.”

 

“Okay, Dean.” Cas reached out then and brushed away the snow from Dean’s hair. He raked his fingers through it a little as he did so. It felt nice. Dean closed his eyes a little and soaked in the touch. Cas’ fingers ran back to his neck. Dean opened his eyes back up and saw the thin wisp of a smile on Cas’ face.

  
“Come on, Cas. Let’s go fix your brother.” Cas stepped away from Dean, and they got into the car to take the grace to the tree lot. He glanced over at Cas and noticed the snow melting in his hair. A small droplet threatened to drip down onto his face. Dean reached out and swept it aside. Cas just smiled a little more. Dean dropped his hand back to his own personal space, but he couldn’t help but smile a little too.


	21. Kiss Me When I'm Dreaming

Midnight came and transported Dean back to his bed in the bunker. He dreamed and in it was all that they had accomplished. Cas poured the grace into the cremation site, and it was different this time. The earth shook and the grace seemed to spread out to the edges of the charred ground. Cas had made a quick move to push Dean back from the spot. As quickly as it had begun, it also ended. Silence fell on them and Dean became conscious of Cas’ arm spread out over his chest like a shield against what the portal could unleash. Slowly, Cas moved away from Dean and lowered his arm.

 

In the dream of that moment, though, Dean’s reality became warped. In reality, when all was safe again, Dean and Cas merely walked back out to the car and drove back to the bunker. Cas did not come in or even say much, beyond a see you tomorrow, Dean. And that was it. There was the dream though. Dean had dreamed of Cas before. He had dreamed of Cas talking with him on a dock overlooking a peaceful lake. He had talked with Cas on a high mountain ridge, overlooking a valley highlighted in colors orange and violet from the setting sun. He had felt Cas pull him back from horrors unimaginable in his waking life. And let’s face it, his waking life was pretty horrific. In his dreams though, he managed time and again to take those horrors and raise them to new levels of awfulness all while feeling a deep sense of responsibility for each and every one of them. It was in those dreams that Cas had provided to Dean the greatest help.

 

In those dreams, Cas reminded Dean of peace. He pulled him from the precipice of chaos and toward warmth and light. He was a badass that fought off Dean’s tormentors. Faceless and grotesque, they would come to Dean and tear at him. Cas would always show up, and he would fight for him. He would throw himself in front of Dean every time. Soon after the torment was eradicated, Dean would feel hands of comfort on him. His wounds would be healed. His face cupped by tender fingers would look up into deep sea blue eyes, and he would know peace. Often the dreams would end there. Tonight they did not.

 

He dreamed again of the portal opening. He saw the grace seeping into the earth. Light sprang up from it and into the night sky. Cas had his arm on him, pressing him back. The light dissolved back into the earth, and, yes, it was much more dramatic in the dream. Cas though, did not release Dean when the light dissolved. He turned to him instead and pulled him to his chest. Dean did not fight Cas. He never fought Cas in his dreams. He spoke into his chest though. It was muffled.

 

“I’m okay, Cas.” He felt like Cas was trying to protect him from something. Cas released him a little but just a little. It was enough for Dean to look up at his face. Cas looked long into his eyes, concern the dominant emotion on display.

 

Cas dipped his head and kissed Dean on the lips. It was quick and light, a test of acceptance. Dean would have been more accepting if it had been longer. He just wasn’t quick enough. Instead he still had the look of shock blanketing his features. Cas seemed to view that as a negative and slipped away from Dean a little. He did not entirely break away though. Dean curled his fingers up in Cas’ coat, preventing his departure. “Do you remember, Dean?”

 

“Do I remember what?” Dean spoke quietly because it seemed like anything louder would break the spell that seemed to be keeping them together. Dean felt the world spinning around them. They were at the bunker crouched down behind the far wall. At their feet were tons of carefully formed snowballs. Sam stood at the bunker door, looking for them.

 

Cas smiled and said, “So this is where we launch our successful attack against Sam.” He picked up a snowball and fired it off at Sam. It caught him in the stomach. The rest became a blur of snow and running. Dean laughed. He dove behind a tree and fired off several hastily made snowballs at both Sam and Cas. Sam ran for the bunker door and as he ran he loudly declared a surrender. It all felt familiar to Dean, but he also thought that the familiarity might be from the fact that he was dreaming.

 

Now that Sam was in the bunker, it was just him and Cas. He saw Cas dodging one of his snowballs. He went into a roll behind the car. Dean snuck out from behind the tree and crept up on the car. He had one snowball ready to go. He could see the edge of Cas’ coat just barely sticking out at the side of the car. He rushed and threw the snowball at the same time. Cas wasn’t there. He left his coat as a decoy. Then he felt something slamming into him. It was Cas. He slammed him back into the large bank of snow next to the car. He laughed. He couldn't believe that Cas had caught him.

 

“Do you surrender?” Cas loomed over him. He had Dean’s arms pinned up over his head.

 

“No way. I never surrender.” Dean laughed again. Cas swooped down closer.

 

Dean stopped laughing. The mood changed suddenly. “Do you remember, Dean?”

 

Dean felt like he couldn’t breathe. There was something about the way that Cas was pressed up on him. His body was responding. He felt like it was familiar. “It’s familiar. I don’t know.” Cas dipped his head closer to Dean’s, his breath ghosting out a trail from his cheek to his ear.

 

“Tell me when you remember. He kissed Dean’s cheek. He looked at Dean for acknowledgement. He came down again and kissed his jaw. He looked at Dean for acknowledgement. He leaned in again and nuzzled into Dean’s neck, working his way up to his ear. He sat up and looked down at Dean. “Do you remember?”

 

“I don’t, but it is familiar.” Dean reached up to Cas and that was all that Cas seemed to need to come back down to him. He was a breath from Dean’s lips when the dream suddenly stopped.

 

Dean’s eyes were open now, and he was staring at the ceiling in his dark room. He looked over at the chair and saw NomNom snuggled down in some blankets. Her kitten supplies were on the floor beneath the chair. Cas was not in the  room. Dean sat up and ran his hands up through his hair. He thought about the dream. There was familiarity in it. He wondered why he had dreamed of Cas in that way. Yeah, he had dreamed of Cas before, but usually his mind did not allow him to go too far. _He had boundaries after all._ It was usually just Cas saving him. Sure there were a couple of times when he let his mind go there in the abstract. Usually, it involved strippers dressed as angels. And if sometimes they happened to have messy brown hair, he didn’t let it bother him because they were chicks and not real.

 

He decided to send out a prayer, “Hey, Cas. You going to fly your feathery ass over here and tell me who gets degraced today?” Dean waited a moment, then got up. Cas was usually good about hearing Dean even if it took him a while to respond. So, Dean got dressed and wandered out of his room. He left the door open so that NomNom could explore if she wanted to do so.

 

Sam was up and he was reading a thin slip of paper. “Hey, Dean. You’re up early.”

 

“Yeah, figured I should help Cas out with today’s little mission.” Dean sat down next to Sam at the long table and stole his mug of coffee. Sam scowled at him.

 

“You could go get your own, you know.”

 

“Yeah, but yours is right here.” Dean smirked at him and took a long drink of the earthy warmth. “Whatcha reading?”

 

Sam slid the paper over to him and said, “Cas left this. Apparently, he wants me to make sure to run a particular route today. Funny thing, I was already planning to do this. He also left an explanation for his current mission. He said not to let you talk about it though as it might reset the day early.”

 

“Weird.” Dean looked down at the careful script and gently moved his fingers over it. It was an affectionate move that Sam noted with a tip of his head. Dean adjusted and took on a more brusque demeanor. He scooped up the note with two hands, because this heavy piece of paper clearly required that, and he read out loud. “Sam and Dean, I am going to extract grace from the candy man. I will not require your help today. Sam should run a new route. He should be sure to take in the Dutton Ave. suburb. I will check in with you later about the progress.”

 

Dean looked up and found himself feeling a little irritated. He didn’t like when Cas went off all solo on big important tasks. Doing that usually lead to bad choices and Cas becoming a little lost. He shuddered as he remembered back to the mini-god era and wondered why those memories couldn’t get sucked away.

 

“So, I am going to head out. What are you going to do?” Sam got up and moved toward the door.

 

“I actually don’t know. I could go try to find him and help out.” Dean got up too.

 

“Do you even know where this so called candy man is?” Sam stretched out his arms over his head seeming to ready his limbs for the inevitable run.

 

“No, I don’t.”

 

“Well, then I will see you here when I get back. Just trust him. I am sure that he is fine.” Sam reached out to Dean and gave him a little pat, then headed out.

 

Dean stood there awkwardly for a few minutes and just shuffled his feet. He considered his options for the day, but he couldn’t seem to formulate a plan. He decided to go downtown. He figured, at the very least he could find distraction if not Cas.

 

* * *

 

Dean did make it downtown, but he didn’t find Cas. He wandered through a craft faire and thought that it was familiar. He stopped at an unmanned booth of candies and wondered if it was the booth of someone that Cas might call the candy man. He picked up a tin of peppermints and considered a purchase. No one was there to take his money, so he put a five under the box at the back of the table and pocketed the mints. He strolled along the street, letting his eyes move over faces and Christmassy joy. He could hear a distant song coming from up the hill. He wandered toward it.

 

The song became more familiar the closer he got to a large church that was perched at the top of the hill. This place seemed familiar too. Dean stepped into the vestabule. He did not go in any more. It seemed like a practice session for a children’s choir was in progress. They began singing a new song. Dean recognized it as “Hark the Herald Angels Sing.” Two boys stood at the front of the stage singing it while the rest of the choir stood at their backs. Dean watched and then when the rest of the singers joined in, he closed his eyes a little, feeling the skin on his arms prickle up with the song. It was funny how music could do that, how it could wash over you in so physical a manner. Dean felt the song though, and somewhere in the back of his mind he felt more than the song too. He felt like he was wrapped in warmth, and that he was not alone. He opened his eyes and smiled. When the song ended he went back out into the cold afternoon.

 

He wandered to the side of the church and saw an empty nativity scene. He walked over to it to investigate. While he stood there, he let his mind slip over the past, over the things that he could remember. He remembered the holidays of the past. He remembered Sammy and his gifts and resolved to get him something, even if it was late. He thought about Cas and what he should get for him. He figured that he could do something about the car, but he didn’t know what yet. He thought about what tomorrow would mean if it would ever come. He wondered if it wouldn’t just be better to keep repeating this day. It seemed like a pretty good day, all things considered. No one dies or seems to get hurt. _I could think of worse._

 

 _But no, Cas would not be happy knowing that his brother was just a tiny step from life. Stupid Gabe._ Dean wasn’t really upset with Gabriel on this one, he just liked the idea of all of his people being happy. He wanted that for them. He wanted to know that things could be good. Suddenly, he wasn’t alone. There was a child standing next to him. It would have been odd enough to have a child suddenly appear, but this child was dressed like an angel with cardboard wings. It looked up at him. “Hello,” Dean spoke quietly.

 

“Hello, Dean.” The child had a strong voice that was almost unnatural for a child to have.

 

“Do I know you?”

 

“Yes, but not in this form. I will be one of the last extractions.” The boy turned to Dean and pointed at Dean’s pocket. “Mind sharing some of those?”

 

Dean blanched a little and then reached into his pocket. He pulled out the tin of peppermints and opened them. He held them out and the kid fished one out with long fingers. “So, are you Gabriel?”

 

“Sort of. I’m a little scattered at the moment. It is taking a bit of concentration for me to have this little moment with you. Luckily, the kid is easy to push aside. The others were rather strongly attached to their bodies.”

 

“Are you hurting the kid?” Dean’s tone dropped and he looked visibly irritated.

 

“No, obviously. I’m an angel not a demon. It is like he is sleeping a little.”

 

Dean relaxed a little. “So, why are you talking to me? You just wanted to mess with my head some more?”

 

Kid Gabriel looked at him closely, “I can’t take credit for any of this. It is all Kali. I guess that she got tired of waiting for my so-called family to care enough to pull me back to a better plain of existence.” The tone of his voice made clear his feelings of frustration and also something else. Dean heard something familiar. It was a tone that spoke to a feeling of being rejected. Dean was reminded of how he had felt when he had learned that Sam had not looked for him when he was in Purgatory.

 

“It has not been easy for Cas.” Dean offered up feebly.

 

“Always quick to defend him, huh? Yeah, I imagine that some apocalypse or another got in the way. Although, I can see from these crappy memories that got poured into me that actually, you all had plenty of time to think of a solution for little old me but he didn’t. He was too busy making cookies and having snowball fights and…” He cringed in an over-exaggerated way before continuing, “playing tonsil hockey.”

 

“Shut-up Gabe. Cas is working on saving your ass even as we speak. How could he have known that you could even be saved?”

 

“If it had been you that was lost, he would have found you. That is what you do when you care.” He looked a little dejected. Being in a child’s form did much to add to the dejection. Dean felt bad in a way that he might not have if Gabriel had been in his old form. He understood the feeling.

 

“We aren’t so different. When I was in Purgatory, my brother didn’t even remotely look for me. Cas was there with me, so there was no way for him to solve the problem. But, if he had been free to, I know that he would have saved me, just like I was determined to save him, just like Kali is determined to save you.”

 

The words floated around them in the silent afternoon for awhile. Dean considered what he had just said, what he had come to realize. _It would always be him and Cas. When life threw them into the fire, it would always end up being up to them to pull each other out._ Gabe looked at him kindly and said, “I guess that is what matters most then.”

 

“What?”

 

“Having someone that loves you that much.”

 

“It’s not like that.” Dean was quick with his response.

 

“Oh, I almost forgot that you are back in the land of denial now that you don’t have your memories.” Gabriel smirked.

 

“Cas is family.”

 

“Yep, the kind of family that you choose, the closest kind of family. Some people marry that kind of family.”

 

Dean shuffled about awkwardly. He didn’t know what to say. He was going to say something about how Cas just loved everyone, and that he didn’t have appropriate boundaries, and that he was just confused about how to be around people so it might look like something that it wasn’t. In his head it was a babbling mess. He instead turned to Gabriel and smiled. Gabriel smiled back. “Yeah.”

 

As Dean looked down at Gabriel, he saw a noticeable shift in his face. “Have you seen Kyle?”

 

“Uh, no. Who is Kyle.” The kid just looked at Dean like he was pointless and ran off. “Guess we’re done talking.”

 

* * *

 

When he got back to the bunker, there was a note from Sam explaining his evening plans, which included visiting a children’s nativity. Dean smiled. NomNom jumped up onto the table and nuzzled his hand, purring out affection. “So, has Cas come back yet?” It was as if he had summoned him, because as the words fell out of his mouth, Cas was there, just standing at the top of the stairs.

 

“Finally.” Dean said as he stepped toward the stairway.

 

“Have you been waiting long?” Cas said as he stepped down a few steps.

 

“Forever.” Dean stepped up a couple of steps.

 

“You didn’t go out?” Cas stepped down one more step.

 

“I just got back.” Dean stepped up one more step. There were a couple of steps between them.

 

“Then you weren’t waiting forever.” Cas stepped down. Dean stepped up. They were on the same step.

 

“Yes, Cas, I was and so were you.” He took Cas’ face in his hands and kissed him. He may not have had access to all of his memories, but he knew that this was real. He knew that he belonged here with Cas, just like he knew to keep breathing if he wanted to live. He knew that this had been building for some time and that it was crazy that he had needed a year of looping days to put him right with Cas. He wasn’t going to let himself take so long this time, he had decided. He wasn’t sure when he had decided it. Maybe it had been when Gabriel had said the stuff about family, or maybe it was when Cas was standing there at the top of the steps just looking at him like it was everything he needed.

 

He felt Cas’ arms slip up around his back. His hands found their way into his clothes. The feel of skin on his skin and Dean was gone. Cas tipped his head back for a moment and Dean tried to chase it, kissing air instead. “Do you remember?” Cas asked.

 

“No, but it doesn’t matter.” Dean pushed back toward him, but Cas spoke again.

 

“It matters. You loved me.”

  
“I love you now.” Dean surprised even himself with his declaration. He was never much for such things. Apparently, it was the right thing to say though, because Cas went back to kissing him instead of talking, and that was just what Dean wanted. Cas was here, and it was Christmas, almost, and he could imagine just how happy all of them could be, because right now he was. He finally was.


	22. Mistletoe

_This is holiday fluff,_  Dean thought as he sat on the couch watching a Christmas movie that happened to be playing on the television. Sam bought the t.v. and put it in about a month ago, but they never used it. Dean usually just watched movies on his computer at the table or in his room. Somehow, though, today, he did things differently. He was happy enough with the film, even if it wasn’t normally his kind of thing. Being a secret Christmas fan made the film secretly appealing to his inner Dean. What was more enjoyable was the not so secret affection he was feeling for the blanket that was wrapped around him. Oh, and blanket is, in fact, the best possible word for what Cas was at the moment. He was certainly providing a fair degree of both warmth and comfort.

 

Dean pressed his face into the fluffy brown head of hair that was tucked just under his chin. He wondered if Cas could see the film or if he even cared. They could have just spent time on the couch together without the t.v., but somehow Dean felt like they needed something going in the background. He thought briefly that it would make it less awkward if Sam came home to them being, well, what they were. At first they just sat together, Dean’s arm wrapped around Cas’ shoulders. Then Dean pulled over a blanket, covering them both and that lead to them reclining more across the couch. And if Cas somehow felt more comfortable laying on him a little, who was Dean to argue.

 

“You love me,” Cas said randomly into Dean’s chest.

 

“Yes, you doofus. Now watch the movie.” Cas raked his fingers up Dean’s side and Dean shivered with the touch. He was a little ticklish there.

 

“It took you over a year to say it before.” Cas pointed out.

 

“Well, old me was stupid slow.” Dean laughed a little into Cas’ hair. “This is the new and improved Dean Winchester.”

 

“I like the old you, but I can get use to this new Winchester too.” Cas smiled up at him. He was rewarded with a brief peck on the forehead. “I think that some of your memories are still there. Sam has some memories too. He seems to have a few of your memories which could be awkward for him later if they become clear.”

 

“How did that happen?”

 

“What?”

 

“How did he get my memories?”

 

“I think that the removal of the grace from you went a little deeper than it did from Sam. I cannot explain the rest.”

 

Dean just hummed into Cas’ head kissing him at the same time. He was not pleased with the fact that the night was almost at an end. There was always tomorrow though. Soon there would really be tomorrows. He heard the door to the bunker open and close. Sam was home. He thought about getting up to greet him, and also using that excuse to put off letting Sam in on the Dean Cas thing that was going on. He felt Cas’ arms squeeze him a little though, so he did not get up or change his position.

 

Sam walked in and plopped himself down on the chair opposite the couch before he fully noticed that Dean was not alone on the couch. When he did notice, it seemed to take him a full minute to form a sentence. Neither Dean nor Cas said a word or even acknowledged that there was anything to talk about. After a sufficient amount of seconds or minutes had passed, Sam said, “So, hello.”

 

“Hey, Sam.” Dean responded while Cas just pretended to be engrossed in the film watching. _Little bastard hadn’t even been watching until now. Just trying to avoid awkward talking._ Dean moved his hand up into Cas’ hair and fiddled with it a little.

 

“So, uh, guess you talked to Cas about things and stuff.”

 

“Shh, we are watching a movie,” Cas contributed to the conversation.

 

“Oh, sorry. I just don’t often find you two curled up like this. It sort of begs for a conversation.” Sam leaned forward and looked from one to the other then back.

 

“There’s nothing to talk about Sammy. Cas Dean, Dean Cas, it’s a thing. Now watch the movie.” With Dean’s pronouncement, Sam fell into silence, but Dean could still swear that he heard Sam’s gears turning. So Dean did his best to ignore him, but eventually he just couldn’t anymore. “Fine, Sammy. Get it out of your system. You get two minutes of anything goes questions, then you have to go to bed or something. I can’t concentrate on the movie with all of the thinking that you are doing over there.”

 

“Since when is thinking loud?” Sam almost sounded like he was laughing as he asked the question.

 

“It just is. I can totally hear you thinking. It is not as internal as you think that it is. So, anyways, your time starts now.” Dean looked at his watch to confirm that he was timing this.

 

“So, when did you two start this?”

 

Cas responded, “Months ago.”

 

Dean responded, “Tonight.”

 

Sam asked, “Uh, so which one of you should I believe?”

 

“Probably Cas.” Dean shrugged a little. “I don’t have the best memory for this.” He joked a little and then fell silent.

 

“So, are you guys putting a label on this thing?”

 

“We haven’t talked about that yet,” Cas offered up.

 

“We haven’t?” Dean leaned to the side to get a better look at Cas’ face. “I would have assumed that we would have discussed that.”

 

“We never got around to it.” Cas fell silent again. It was then that Dean realized that Cas had not said that he loved Dean. He had said that Dean loved him. He had claimed that they were close. He had kissed him like it was the deepest, most profound experience of his existence. Dean wondered if it meant something. He wondered if he should care. It was just talking after all, and he would be the first to say that sometimes that was overrated.

 

“One minute left, Sam.” Dean had an authoritative parent tone.

 

“Okay. So does this mean that I’ll be seeing a whole lot more of Cas here or a whole lot less of Dean?” Sam sounded for a moment like he was maybe concerned about the answer to this question.

 

“I think that there will be more Cas around here, but we haven’t talked about that.” Dean tried to look at Cas for confirmation, but their position made it difficult.

 

Cas moved a little and added to Dean’s statement though, “I go where Dean goes.”

 

“Good.” Dean said as he leaned down and kissed Cas on the head. “I think that that was enough questions for one night, Sammy.”

 

“Fine, for now.” Sam got up and stretched out, long and lean toward the ceiling. “I’m glad for you two. I really am.”

 

“Thanks Sam.” Dean smiled at him.

 

“Took you long enough.” With that Sam gave them a little wave and wandered off to his room. “Goodnight.”

 

* * *

When Dean woke up the next morning it was in his own bed with memories of Cas still lingering like the memories had only just been made that moment. NomNom was there and so was her kitten stuff. Once again, Cas had been thorough. Today, he had also left a note. Dean picked it up and ran his fingers along the text that was printed out so neatly down the page.

 

_Dean,_

_I will be making what I believe is the final extraction. I will come to you tonight so that you can go with me to the tree lot. I am hopeful that this will work._

_Yours,_

_Castiel_

 

The note was rather formal, and yet Dean still read it over again as though it were a note that was instead a declaration of some sorts. He reread the closing a few times more. He liked the use of _yours_ like it meant some profound commitment instead of just a closing. He liked the idea that Cas was his and he was Cas’. It was nice.

 

His thoughts changed tracks though. He thought again about how Cas never said I love you. He thought again that maybe it didn’t matter. He wondered if it mattered. He carefully folded the note and slipped it into his nightstand along with a couple of other items that he had collected over time. He looked at them. There was a book that he had seen Cas reading once. When Cas had seemed to have finished it, he had taken it and put it in the nightstand. It was about bees. He planned to read it. He wondered sometimes what Cas was thinking and he imagined that this would give him insight.

 

There were other things tucked away in the nightstand too. He had a spoon that Cas had used to stir coffee. He never let himself consider before why he had taken it. He let himself consider it now. He remembered the way that Cas had used it to stir in several spoonfuls of sugar. He had removed the spoon from the coffee when he had finished stirring it and had examined it as if it had contained the very secrets of life. Cas had slipped it into his mouth and sucked on it, like he was pulling flavor from even the metal, and maybe he was. Dean had watched this take place with greedy eyes.

 

If Dean had allowed himself to think about it back then, he would have noticed the way that Cas’ actions were having a profound effect on his physical person. He would have considered the way that warmth seemed to spread through him with just the thought that spoons were grossly underrated utensils. _If I had to be a utensil, I would be a spoon. This spoon._ He had actually let himself think that before he had forcefully removed himself from the room for a bit. When Cas had finished his coffee, Dean had slipped the spoon into his pocket, telling himself that he didn’t need to think about it. And like that, the spoon was added to the collection.

 

There were other things, but somehow he was not interested in looking at those things now. He had something that finally made all of this feel a little silly to him, not silly enough to toss any of it, but silly compared to the tangibleness of Cas. Funny how this was as close as he ever was willing to let himself get to happiness and love, a collection of somewhat useless items.

 

He hummed out a little “White Christmas” and got dressed. He made his way to the kitchen and saw Sammy at the coffee pot. “Going for a run today?”

 

“Yeah, you know it. Gotta meet me an awesome lady.” Sam smiled back at him and Dean noticed that he was a bit more put together in his running clothes than he normally would be. He was also retaining memories just like Dean had been. Dean felt happy that Sam was getting more than a life entirely on repeat.

 

“Is it weird trying to sound like you have never met her before?”

 

“A little. I haven’t done it too many times yet though.”

 

“Well, according to Cas, you have. Maybe like a hundred times.” Dean got a mug out and started filling it with coffee.

 

“Well, I don’t have any memories of all of that.” Sam sipped on the coffee and gave Dean a long stare over the edge of the mug. “So, today is the last repeater, huh?”

 

“Possibly. Cas left me a note. We are going to return the last of Gabriel’s grace tonight. Who knows what will happen, but it should have some effect.” Dean gulped down some coffee.

 

“And you and Cas?” Sam was trying to sound casual.

 

“What about us?” Dean started to walk over to the fridge to look for breakfast and to avoid chick-flick conversations.

 

“So, how did you get past the whole denial of feelings and stuff?”

 

“We really don’t need to have this conversation.” Then Dean stopped and considered just how long this conversation could be if he didn’t share something. So he said, “I don’t intend to talk about this incessantly, Sam.”

 

“So, the women before, that was all just…”

 

“That was all good.” Dean cut him off.

 

“And Cas?”

 

“That is all good too. Could we stop now?” Dean looked like he meant it.

 

“Sure. I’m glad for you. I’m pretty glad for me too.” Sam smiled.

 

“Yeah, must be nice to have met someone that seems like they might be good for you.” Dean reached out a hand to Sam’s shoulder.

 

“It is, but I meant that I am glad for me because it was getting hard for me to watch you plowing through life with so much misery on your shoulders. I never thought that I would see the day that Dean Winchester looked like he wasn’t carrying the weight of the world around. I’m pretty glad that things have somehow, magically worked out. Guess that you kinda owe Gabriel and Kali, huh?”

 

“I don’t think that I’ll be admitting that any time soon. I think that somehow Gabriel will use it against me.” Dean smiled a little and added, “You need to get on your run. You don’t want to have this day turn out any less than perfect. It’s our last shot.”

 

“I hadn’t really thought of it like that. You’re right though.” He set down the mug and prepared to go. He turned back to Dean at the door, “What are you going to do?” Dean just shrugged, but not because he didn’t know. He shrugged because he had way too much to do before the night was through. Shrugging was an easier answer. Sam turned and left with a tossed off goodbye and Dean set to work.

 

* * *

Dean was a storm of activity. He decorated, a little. He hadn’t gotten a tree yet. He cooked. He baked. He even slipped out for a little shopping. Dean had planned in such a way as to keep Sam from seeing it all. He took care of the kitchen stuff, baking and cooking, while Sam was on his run. True Sam smelled the rich aroma of onions, sage, and butter blending into the air around them. It didn’t matter though. Dean told him that they were going to have a late Christmas dinner, after the children’s nativity, of course.

 

After he had managed to get a little Christmas shopping done, he had returned to the bunker to prepare a pie. He decided on apple, since it was one of his favorites. He didn’t make a crust for the top. Instead he made a layer of dutch crumble mixed with just the right amount of cinnamon and pecans. He was quite pleased with his efforts. He sent out a little prayer to Cas, “I am making a Christmas feast tonight, Cas. After we save your brother, we are all going to spend the holiday here. I hope that is okay.” He stopped talking and tipped his head to listen to the air, as if Cas could reply to him that way. Then his phone rang. He answered it on one ring.

 

“Dean, you were saying?” Cas picked up pretty much where the prayer left off apparently.

 

“I want us to all spend the evening eating Christmas food and drinking eggnog and listening to crappy holiday music tonight. You mind?”

 

“That sounds like a nice, traditional Christmas.” There was silence for a moment then Cas added, “You know, you already invited me to spend Christmas with you and Sam before. I even told you that I was happy that you wanted me there.”

 

“Hmm, well the new Dean Winchester is inviting you too. Is everything going okay with the grace extraction?”

 

“Yes. I am done. I just need to wait for the tree lot to close so that we don’t draw any extra attention.”

 

“So what are you doing in the mean time?”

 

“Waiting.”

 

Dean was reminded of the musical that those girls made long ago. The image of Cas just standing around waiting alone tugged at him. He had planned to go out and buy the car parts that Cas needed for his sad sad car, but maybe there was a way to take care of these things with Cas in tow. “Come over. You can help me get the last of the Christmas stuff ready.”

 

“Okay. I am actually just standing around outside of the bunker.”

 

“Seriously?”

 

“Yes, I didn’t want to bother you. Sam said that you were busy in the kitchen, cooking for an army.”

 

Dean was quickly shuffling things around and putting away foods to be reheated later. He said, “Next time assume that I want to be bothered. Actually, you should assume that I will always want you to bother me.”

 

“Okay.” A pause. “So, should I come in?”

 

“Cas, this is quickly becoming the stupidest conversation in stupidtown. I am just going to come out to you now.” Dean hung up and marched up the stairs, grabbing his coat on his way. He left the bunker and was immediately wrapped up in Cas’ arms. “Well, hello to you too.”

 

“Merry Christmas, Dean.” He kissed Dean with swift efficiency. Then he broke the kiss and looked up, tipping Dean’s head up with his fingers. _Mistletoe_.

 

“So, who told you about this little tradition?”

 

“I know things.” Cas gave him a half turned grin. “I thought that you might come out of the bunker eventually. I didn’t realize how committed you were to your cooking.”

 

“How long have you been waiting?”

 

“Forever.” They both laughed at the little replay from last night. Dean kissed him back, because, _hey, there was still mistletoe._

  
“So, are you ready to go pick out a Christmas tree and maybe avert your eyes while I buy you your present?” Cas just looked at him like he was a little odd and then nodded toward the car and they were off.


	23. Last Minute Holiday Preparations

Turns out that it was pretty easy to take care of the Cas present buying. He apparently needed to run off to do some shopping himself once they got downtown. Dean wondered if he would be texting Sam about their little present buying schemes. Dean managed to find a respectable auto repair shop downtown. He wandered in, and spoke with the owner for a bit. The guy looked at him with a raised eyebrow when he got to the end of his list of necessary parts and said, “Sounds like you are needing a lot of repairs. Why don’t you just bring in the car and have us take a look at it.”

 

“Nah, I want to fix it myself. This is kinda my thing. Been fixing cars since I could stand tall enough to reach the inside of the engine.”

 

“Hmm, good to know that there is a mechanically minded person in town. Sometimes we need an extra hand out here. You wouldn’t be interested in work from time to time would you?”

 

“Maybe. Let me just get through the holidays first.” The mechanic, Mike, of course, they were always Mikes or Todds or Bobs, went off to go get what he could from Dean’s list.

 

Dean made his way back to the car with his oversized box of parts for Cas’ car, and saw that Cas was already there, leaning against the side. He had his hands crossed over his chest, and he was quietly staring out at the sky it seemed. His dark hair was blown back and Dean found himself sucking in a breath of pure unadulterated desire.

 

 _That is mine._ He smiled as he got close to the car. He juggled the box a little and said, “Toss me the keys. I want to put this in the trunk.”

 

Cas started to walk toward him to help. “Here, let me.” He started to reach out for the box and Dean swiftly tipped it away.

 

“Nope, you don’t get to peek until tomorrow. Now, key me.” He held out a hand and Cas passed him the key with a smile.

 

“Is it a kitten?” Cas stood there looking almost serious.

 

Dean laughed, “Like we need another one of those.”

 

“NomNom might like a brother. I think that she said something about it the other day.” Dean popped open the trunk and put the box in. He tossed the keys back to Cas who caught them with ease.

 

“It’s not a kitten. It is something that you actually need.” Dean and Cas each got into the car and rolled out.

 

“I have everything that I need.”

 

“Well, I figured out some things that you needed, and I am pretty proud. So, yeah.”

 

“I am happy that you are happy. Now, what is next on your little agenda for today?” Cas looked over at Dean.

 

“We need a Christmas tree.” Dean stated in a matter of fact tone.

 

“Would it be weird to go to the tree lot just to return later?”

 

“I actually think that we should throw them our business. Who knows what the grace will unleash when it has all been returned. I can’t imagine that Gabriel will come back all quiet like.” Dean thought, not for the first time about just how different Cas was from Gabriel.

 

“He is a bit bombastic. He is the only angel that carries a special horn, the Horn of Gabriel. It was as though my father wanted to provide irony to the masses by giving the loudest angel even more noise making capabilities.” Cas seemed pleased with the memories.

 

“You are pretty excited about seeing him again aren’t you?”

 

“Yes.” There was something else in his tone too.

 

“Are you worried about something?” Dean reached over and rested his hand on Cas’ leg.

 

“I didn’t do enough to save him. I didn’t even look for ways to bring him back. I left him behind. I worry that he will not forgive me. I have done some terrible things, but I have never had to spend much time facing those that I have wronged. I wronged Gabriel.”

 

“You are fixing that now. That is what will matter to him.” Dean wanted to sound comforting. He hoped that Cas wasn’t going to beat himself up too badly over this.

 

“I hope that you are right.” They pulled into the now too familiar tree farm and  headed in to peruse what few choices they had left. Dean seemed to be drawn to the Douglas Fir varieties while Cas seemed to be more interested in the Ponderosa Pines. Dean decided to get one that Cas seemed to be fond of, since he liked the way that Cas looked when he touched the branches. There had been a type of reverence in the touch that Cas imparted to the tree. His fingers ghosting over the pine needles were tender.

 

Dean thought that he could not be any happier, then he saw the way that Cas smiled as he hauled the tree over to the cashier to make the purchase. “So you approve of my tree selection?” Dean asked, already knowing the answer.

 

“It is the one I would have picked.” They paid for the tree and headed out to the car. It only took Dean a little time to get the tree secured to the roof. Cas helped; they made a good team. When they got back to the bunker, it took some careful maneuvering to get the tree in the door. The bunker actually had a box of Christmas decorations that Dean had unearthed deep in an unoccupied room. They were stunning, each had a look that came from a by-gone era

 

Together they got the tree propped up and ready for decorating. Dean had managed to purchase Christmas lights earlier, and had Cas wind those around the tree. He began laying out the various ornaments from the bunker box and began considering which ones would make the cut. They spent hours on their task, and, when it was complete, they stood back and gazed upon it in awe. Dean slipped an arm around Cas’ waist and said, “I think that we are ready for Christmas. Let’s go get your brother back.”

 

Cas leaned into him then and held him for a moment before he replied. “Let’s.” NomNom rubbed at his ankles then proceeded to make her way over to the tree. She began swatting at one of the low lying ornaments. It rocked wildly on the branch. Cas scooped her up and slipped her into his pocket. “You will be going with us. You can’t be trusted with the tree without supervision.” He looked down at her in the pocket. “Don’t think that I did not see your plans.” She let out a little mew, and he and Dean left for the tree lot.

 

* * *

They walked from the very empty parking lot to the cremation site. NomNom squirmed about in Cas’ pocket. He pulled her out and she jumped out of his hands. “Don’t go too far.” He watched her walk around the perimeter of the site and seemed to wonder at her cautious movements. Then she darted off into the trees just past the out buildings.

 

“Should I go get her?” Dean asked when he saw the note of concern on Cas’ face.

 

“No, I think that she’ll come back. She really wants a brother.”

 

“I’m not getting you another kitten, Cas?” Dean walked over and rested his hand on Cas’ shoulder. “So, are we ready to get Gabriel back?”

 

“Yes, but I would feel more comfortable if you didn’t stand too close.”

 

“Oh, so you are done with me already? I guess I should have known that you were a love ‘em and leave ‘em kind of guy.” Dean joked, but he stepped back though.

 

“It is odd that you didn’t get along with Gabriel more. You have the same weird sense of humor.” Cas pulled out his vial and crouched down to the earth. He poured the grace from it. The earth shook beneath them more intensely than it had before. It spread in a wide, thin path to the edges of the scorched earth. The light of it throbbed then seemed to sink down into the dirt. Everything around them seemed to glow in an aquatic flicker of blues and greens. The light danced about in and through the earth. It shot up into the air in a long streak. Dean shielded his eyes. He felt the night grow more cold than it had been a moment before, which was odd given the intensity of the light. Then just as suddenly as the light sprang up into the night, it became dark.

 

They stood there in silence for a moment. Dean spoke first, “So, what now? Where’s Gabriel?”

 

“I don’t know.” Cas stood slowly. “I thought that he would be here. I assumed that the portal would open and that he would come out.” Cas looked worried.

 

Dean asked, “Is it possible that there is more grace out there?”

 

“I don’t think that you realize how much effort I put into my recon on this. I have brought back the grace. I didn’t miss a thing. I don’t understand why it isn’t working.” Cas seemed to be coming apart a little. Dean had not realized just how much Cas was holding back in the emotion department. He pulled Cas to him and held him.

 

“Don’t worry, Cas. We’ll figure it out. We always figure it out. I promise.” He felt Cas sink into the hug a little and did the best that he could to press comfort into him. “I love you. It will be okay.”

  
“You don’t understand Dean. I failed him. I failed him again.” And Dean did not know what more he could do. He kept his arm around him though and walked him back to the car.


	24. I'll Be Home for Christmas

They returned to the bunker. Cas let Dean drive. He wondered if it was even possible to fix this now. He wondered if he could just convince Cas that it was possible to be happy in this one day. He really wanted to see Cas happy, but he realized that most of the happiness that he saw in Cas, lately, came from hope, hope that he could do something for someone else. He hoped to save Gabriel, thereby redeeming himself in his brother’s eyes while at the same time redeeming himself in the general universe for his past transgressions. When nothing happened at the cremation site, Cas seemed to have lost hope.

 

Cas was a bit of a fixer too, it seemed. If he couldn’t fix the Gabriel situation, then he would never be happy. Dean spoke to him on the drive back, wanting to convince him that life could be okay. The irony of this was not completely lost on Dean. He was not the usual source of hope and faith in their little relationship. “You know, sometimes it is not about the outcome.”

 

Cas looked at him confusion plain in his eyes. “What do you mean?”

 

“I mean sometimes it is about just loving someone or something. You loved your brother. I think that he gets that. I think that it matters.”  

 

“Hmm.” Cas had leaned against the car window and stared out at the streaks of land that were really just dark trees against the dark night. “It isn’t enough. You would not be satisfied with this situation if it were your brother. If it were Sam, you would work tirelessly day and night for a solution.”

 

“I didn’t though. When Sam was in the cage, I didn’t have any way of getting him back. I gave up. I lived with Lisa and Ben. I did little chicken shit jobs and that was it. Most of all, I didn’t do nearly enough to get him back.” Dean pulled up to the front of the bunker and killed the engine. “In the end, he forgave me. I love Sam more than anything, but I didn’t save him. Yet somehow, he forgave me, Cas. I think that Gabriel would understand. Plus we aren’t giving up. We’ll save him. We have all kinds of time, and you won’t be in this alone. Just don’t give up. I have faith in you. You’ll figure this out; we’ll figure this out.”

 

Dean reached across the seat and cupped Cas’ cheek in his hand. Cas looked back at him and said, “Thank you Dean. You have often had more faith in me than I deserved.” He turned from Dean then and opened the door. He got out and Dean felt the cold bite of winter blow in. Dean got out and rounded the car, falling into step beside Cas as he made his way to the bunker. Cas stopped at the door as if he was debating about whether or not he would go in.

 

“What are you doing? Go on in.” Dean reached out a hand to Cas’ waist to help direct his forward momentum.

 

“I need you to know something.”

 

“What?” Dean moved closer, drawing both of his arms around Cas.

 

“I don’t deserve your love and admiration, but more than that you don’t deserve mine.”

 

“I don’t understand, Cas. What are you saying?” Dean felt a different chill course through him. _He thinks that I don’t deserve him._

 

“You are too good for what I am. You deserve better. You have given me love and kindness. I have given you, through your connection to me, an endlessly repeating day. You have given me infinite examples of selflessness, and I have given you this.” He held out his hands at his sides as if to imply his inadequacy. Dean wanted to stop him but he didn’t know what to say. Everything that Cas had claimed had been wrong in Dean’s eyes. He was overwhelmed with the wrongness of it all. “Dean, I wasn’t even good enough to do this one simple thing. I have destroyed so much. So much. There is so much that I need to atone for. I don’t have a clear shot at redemption, but saving Gabriel was going to be how I would start.”

 

“Cas, you already have been atoning for the past. We all have. You know that you aren’t alone in this great need for redemption. I got a lot of sins that I need to atone for too.”

 

“It just isn’t the same, Dean. I am an angel. You are a human. I should not have fallen so far from righteousness. You, when you made mistakes, made these mistakes with every intention that was noble.”

 

“Cas, everything that you have said so far is just wrong, but I am not going to be able to argue with you. If you want to believe that you are so awful, then you are going to believe it. If you are going to tell yourself that I deserve better then, you are going to believe it. If you are going to spend inordinate amounts of time convincing yourself that we are so different, then you just won’t see anything that is similar. I think that is sad, but I can’t fix that. We are so similar that it is scary. I can’t make you see it though.”

 

“I’m sorry, Dean.”

 

“No, Cas. Don’t be sorry. I want you to just feel whatever you need to feel. Say whatever you need to say. Do whatever you need to do. I just need one thing from you.”

 

“What do you need?” His voice was low.

 

Dean pulled him closer. “I need you to not give up on this.” It wasn’t quite clear whether or not Dean meant their relationship or the Gabriel situation. Perhaps he meant both, since in his mind they were tied in a way.

 

“I’ll try.” Cas turned to the door and opened it. They both went in and were immediately greeted by Sam.

 

“Merry Christmas!” He got up from the conference table and bounded up the steps. When he reached them, he threw his arms around them both in a crushing hug. When he let them go he started looking past them. “Where is Gabriel? I would have thought that he would have followed you back here.”

 

It didn’t seem possible for Cas to look any more dejected, but in that moment, he did. Dean kept a hand on his lower back, and they made their way in. “Cas and I have more work that we need to do on that front. Apparently, we missed something.”

 

Sam looked at them both and decided then to give Cas another, this time, less crushing hug and Dean got a hand to the shoulder. “Sorry, Cas.”

 

Cas moved past them and toward the room with the couch. He sat in Sam’s chair and rested his head in his hands. He muttered out from his hands, “If you both don’t mind, I think that I would like to be alone for a bit.”

 

Dean didn’t want him to leave. He worried that that would happen. “Why don’t you go take over my room. Sam and I will be out here. We can talk later or not. Whatever you need.”

 

Cas gave him a nod and headed off. Sam sat down and asked, “So, what do we do now? And by the way, the tree looks nice.”

 

“Yeah, thanks. Cas and I had a good day until, well, this.” Dean sat across from him on the couch. “I don’t know what we missed. It was really important to Cas that this work.” This could have become a long conversation with Sam doling out the puppy dog eyes and Dean eventually growing tired with the grand attention placed on emotional baggage, but the noise from Cas as he reached Dean’s room put a stop to that. There had been an odd yelp of distress. “Cas!” They got up and rushed for Dean’s room, meeting Cas in the hallway coming out.

 

“NomNom! I forgot her. I forgot her.” Cas rushed past them.

 

“Hold up, Cas. I’ll go with you. She’s a cat. They have like nine lives. No worries.”

 

“I can’t believe that I forgot her.”

 

“It is going to be okay. We’ll get her.”

 

Sam piped in. “You know it is going to be midnight in just a few. Won’t she just reset to wherever you two keep finding her?”

 

“Not helping, Sam.” Dean was already heading up into the main hall next to Cas.

 

Cas turned to Sam and added, “This matters. It is about not letting yourself grow complacent about important things. It is about not taking enough care of even the little things.” He looked angry. “If I can’t even do right by this one small creature, then how can I make anything else right?” He turned back to his path to march out, and then they all stopped, for at the top of the stairs, stood Gabriel.

 

“Hello, brother.” They all just stood there frozen, staring up at him. He was not alone. At his side was Kali. She smiled at them.

 

“I do believe that we have surprised them,” she simpers.

 

“Ah, I guess that I should have sent our RSVP.” Gabriel smiles at her then back. He levels his gaze onto Cas. “What is it, Cas? Cat got your tongue.” Then Gabriel pulls a kitten out of the pocket of his overly large winter coat. _NomNom_. “Oh, and I found this little thing nosing around my portal, coughing up grace, and thought, well, might as well bring her home too.”

 

Cas finally spoke then, “Gabriel.” He broke free from Dean’s side and walked over to the stairs. Gabriel and Kali came down.

 

“Thank you, Castiel. Thank you.” He set the kitten down and then threw his arms around Cas. “It is so good to be back.” Cas hugged him back and seemed to be speaking, but Dean couldn’t make out what he was saying. Kali just stood to the side looking pleased.

 

“I failed you. How are you here?” Cas stepped back, but kept his hands on Gabriel’s shoulders as if breaking contact would also send him away.

 

“Oh, you have the kitten to thank for that.” He smiled and gave a casual wave over to the tiny creature that was already over at the tree, attacking the low lying ornaments again.

 

“What do you mean?” Cas looked over at her then back at Gabriel.

 

“She was carrying around some of my grace. Man, I was everywhere.” He turned to Kali and said, “Thanks for that dear.”

 

“I hardly see where you can complain.” She moved to him and placed a light kiss on his cheek.

 

“I tried to talk to you two from my temporary vessels, but it wasn’t always easy. I was fractured and some of those buggers didn’t want to relinquish much control. I got a couple of influential phrases to flitter in with the candy man. I actually had a conversation with Deany-baby there when he ran into the kid at the nativity.”

 

“You didn’t tell me about that.” Cas turned to him, and Dean just shrugged.

 

“A lot has happened. Sorry.”

 

“The kitten was interesting. I had forgotten how hard it was to communicate through the simple creatures.” He laughed a little then, “Oh, and NomNom. Seriously, I was trying to tell you that the kitten had grace. She was hungry though so that got a little garbled.”

 

They all had to laugh a little at that. “So her name is not NomNom?” Dean asked.

 

“Well, it is now.” Gabe walked over to her and scooped her up before she could finish the task of knocking the ornament completely off of the tree. “At least you finally seemed to hear me when she told you that she wanted a brother.” He smiled. “Well, I don’t know about all of you, but, I would really like to see tomorrow, and I would really like to just have a nice family Christmas together. Watching you all through little NomNom here gave me a new appreciation for you all. So, Dean, I think that you made some holiday meal stuff for us.”

 

And though only Sam and Dean ate, everyone sat at the table together and enjoyed the holiday meal. It was a rather late celebration, but they did not seem to notice until well after dessert. Gabriel stood from the table, gave Cas a pat, and let his eyes sweep over the table. “Well, all, it has been a long night, and Kali and I have some catching up to do.” They both made a move for the door.

 

Cas got up. “Where are you going?” He sounded worried. Dean understood. He had only just gotten his brother back. Departing now seemed premature.

 

“Oh, don’t worry, brother. I’ll be back tomorrow. Plus, I have the time bendy goddess on my arm. You won’t even know I was gone. I’ll see you all in the morning. Now, go get some rest.” He looked over at Sam and then Dean. “You’ve earned it and tomorrow is coming.” He looked down at his watchless wrist then and added, “Actually it is already here. Merry Christmas, all.” And with that he snapped his fingers and he and Kali blinked away.

 

Dean broke the subsequent silence first, “Well, I am going to take his advice.” Then he turned to Cas and said, “Hey, Cas toss me your keys so I can go get the box out of your car before I go to bed.”

 

“I’ll go with you.” Cas followed him up the stairs.

 

“Goodnight you guys,” Sam called over to them as he made his way down the hall to his own room.

 

Dean stepped out of the bunker into a winter wonderland of snow covering everything and flakes drifting down like feathers in the night sky. Cas came out and stood at his side. “I just really wanted to see if it was a new day. There is more snow, so I think that it is.” Cas took his hand in his. They stared out into the night and beyond the falling snow at the stars.

 

“It will be strange having it all be new again, won’t it?” Dean felt Cas’ thumb rub slow strokes back and forth on his hand.

 

“Funny thing, Cas. I don’t imagine that much of the repeating felt like repeating to me. I may not remember it all, but you make things feel new.”

 

Cas looked at him with a half cocked smile. “That was cheesy Dean.”

  
“Shut-up.” He leaned over and kissed him. When the kiss ended, Dean reached up and brushed aside the snow that was sticking to Cas’ hair. He thought for a second as he felt Cas’ hair on his fingers, _Well, not everything is new. And repeating some things is nice._ He stepped away then and headed to the car. He began singing a little under his breath, “White Christmas.” Cas joined him and sang lightly at his side as he opened the trunk and pulled out the box. It was closed, so Cas couldn’t tell what was inside. Dean balanced the box on his hip so that he would have one arm free for holding Cas on the way back to the bunker. _Holding him will never get old._ Cas closed the trunk and pressed himself more fully into Dean’s side. They walked back up to their home, side by side, still singing quietly. _May your days be merry and bright, and may all your Christmases be  white._ And Dean thought to himself with a smile that, _there could be no greater happiness than this, to know that everything that you love is safe under one roof._ That is the best kind of Christmas, and for Dean and Cas, it was a day worthy of repeating.


	25. A Merry Life

This is holiday fluff, pure and simple. It was Christmas on repeat. Now, it is a future laid out in front of them. It is a hunter and his family. It is the same Christmas songs shared with eggnog and twinkling lights. It is a new day in which a once insecure man has nothing to lose because it all feels rather permanent now. He is happy. He looks down into the face that is likely feigning sleep for his benefit and smiles.

When they had finally crawled into bed, exhausted from the Christmas Eve activities, Dean said to Cas, "I can't believe that it is done. I am going to miss it a little."

Cas scooted up close to Dean, having already snapped on some of his sleep sweats and a tee-shirt. "I know what you mean. There was comfort in it for you. It is nice sometimes to think that you can't permanently harm anything through your actions." He stopped for a moment and ran his hand up through Dean's hair. Dean closed his eyes and nuzzled up into the touch. "The other side of that though, is that you can't permanently help anything through your actions either. Sometimes it is just nice to fix things."

"Sometimes I think that we are too similar." Dean smiled at him and he smile back. Dean reached up. "Hand me the alarm clock."

"Why?" Cas furrowed his brows a little.

"I want to set it." Dean sat up a little, and Cas reached back to the clock behind him.

"It's Christmas. Shouldn't you just sleep in and wake up when it comes to you naturally? I think that you have earned that."

"I want to set the alarm, because it is something that we couldn't do before." He had it set for 5:30 am and Cas gave him a look of pure displeasure.

"No, 5:30 is completely unreasonable. It is not even four hours from now."

"Why are you letting it bother you? You don't need sleep."

"A wise man once told me that he needed four hours of sleep to function. And, although you are adorable when you are tired, I want you to be well-rested." Dean looked at him and considered changing the time on the clock.  _I have to get the repairs done on Cas' car._  Cas seemed to see Dean preparing to argue a little about how he could set his alarm for whatever time he wanted. "I was just thinking that you might need your rest for other activities." Dean caught the smile playing out on Cas' lips and set the alarm for 7:00 am. It might not give him enough time for the car repairs, but he would figure something out. Besides, the look on Cas' face, pure hotness. Dean almost gave up on the need for sleep that was weighing on him at that moment.

He let out a yawn though, and Cas pulled him close, taking away the alarm clock as he did so. "Goodnight, Cas."

"Goodnight, Dean." And Dean felt the relaxation of sleep descend upon him through the careful ministrations of Cas' fingers in his hair.

* * *

The alarm clock should have been what woke him up, but it wasn't. Instead he opened his eyes naturally at 6:00 am and stared at Cas. He had his eyes closed as if he were sleeping. It was peaceful. He felt funny though. It felt like he and Cas were not alone. His gaze swept the room, and, sure enough, Gabriel was standing at the foot of the bed.

"Well, good morning sunshine." He was loud in a sing-songy way. Dean glanced back at Cas and wondered why he was not responding.

"What's wrong with him?" Dean sat up quickly, worry clear in his tone.

"Oh, don't worry. I just wanted to talk with you a bit. He needed the sleep, despite his angelness. It has been a bit taxing on him to deal with all of this."He waved out his hands.

Dean felt a little comforted. He adjusted his position on the bed and Gabriel sat down at his feet. "So what's on your mind?"

"I want to reward you for your efforts on my behalf."

"It was Cas that did everything, not me." Dean involuntarily found his hand moving out to Cas. It was starting to feel unnatural to be separate from him. It seemed much more necessary to just constantly maintain some sort of touch.

Gabriel stared down at Castiel. "Well, he certainly did do a lot. He also seemed to carry a lot of guilt over my little demise. Hopefully, he is getting over that." He turned his gaze to Dean then. "You did much as well. I got to see a lot in there while you were hauling my sorry grace around."

"Well, Gabe, that's not awkward or anything." Dean shifted about a bit.

"For you and me both." Gabriel smirked. "Seems you may have lost something important when you helped me out."

"I didn't lose anything. From the looks of things, I have gained quite a bit lately. So, thanks." Dean let his gaze trail over to Cas and then back up to Gabriel.

"Well, let me just say, you're more than welcome, and thank you, Dean Winchester, for fixing things, from kittens to angels." Gabriel reached out his hand then and placed it on Dean's head. Dean felt warmth course through him and had to close his eyes against the blindingly bright white light that filled the room. When Gabriel released him he said, "Merry Christmas, Dean. Enjoy the memories. I took the liberty of removing some from Sam before I came to you. He didn't need to see that much of you and Cas. Just saying."

Dean blinked his eyes back into focus. He felt his mind flooded with memories that weren't there just a few moments before. "Thank you Gabriel. Thank you." He stood up, but his legs were weak. Gabriel lowered him back to the the mattress.

"You should just take it easy for a bit. Let Cas know that I'll be back by later. We could do another little family gathering or something. Take care of yourself, Dean, and take good care of him. It matters knowing that someone cares." He gave Dean a pat on the shoulder and walked out of the room.

Dean scooted back down into the covers and wrapped his arms around Cas. He let his mind wander over the memories, the old ones folded into the new ones. There had been many repeated days. Dean had thought back over them as he laid in bed next to Cas. He started counting them. He lost track eventually. It seemed to stretch well into the hundreds. It had been at least a year's worth of repeaters. So, he started counting again, only this time he only counted the days that were the most important. There were 24 days that mattered. He reached out to Cas and traced out the edge of his jaw with his fingers.  _No, 25 days. Today has to count for something. Thank you, Gabriel._ This day certainly mattered.

Years together, fighting the good fight, and what truly brought them together could be boiled down to 25 days. He felt redeemed in the universe. He had felt before like there had been much that he had to atone for. He had felt like there was much that he needed to fix. It was odd to lay in this bed and think that nothing really needed to be fixed.  _Well, Cas' car, but nothing major. Well, it's major, but not apocalypse major._  He chuckled to himself. He looked down at Cas and wanted to wake him up. He wanted to look in his eyes and tell him that he remembered everything. He wanted to know what Cas thought now. What he wanted for the future, now that there was such a concept again.

He wondered if Cas felt like he had been redeemed a little. He wondered if he felt like he could be happy. He wondered if he felt like he could love without guilt. That last was important. Dean did not want Cas to carry around so much on his shoulders. He wanted him to experience the same freedom that he now felt coursing through his own veins. He hoped that Cas felt like they had both finally gotten something that they deserved, each other. He leaned toward him and kissed him. He was happy when Cas' eyes opened.

"Was I sleeping?" Cas sat up. He moved his hand over to Dean's side though.

"Gabe thought that you needed a little siesta. He also wanted to give me a present."

Cas looked at him funny. "That could be bad. What did he give you?"

Dean seemed to ignore the question at first and said,"So, tell me what your favorite memory was from the last yearish of repeats."

"I don't know if I have just one. I liked the night that we gave presents to children dressed as Santa…" he let his gaze rake down Dean's body then. "and you were dressed as an elf."

"Really, Cas, lederhosen is your great turn on?" Dean laughed at him.

Cas stiffened then and sat up. He reached out to Dean's face and stared at him like he was seeing into him. "You remember; you remember."

"Yes, Cas, I remember. It was Gabe's little Christmas present." Cas fell onto him, kissing him as though it was all new. Maybe it was in a way for him. Dean certainly didn't mind. The alarm clock went off, and Cas reached back to smack the noise away without breaking free from their kiss. As he moved to Dean's neck Dean said, "I love you, Cas." He wondered if it sounded cheesy to Cas.

Cas stopped what he was doing and moved up so that his face hovered just over Dean's. "I think that it is acceptable for me to tell you now that I love you too. I will never deserve you, but I do love you." Dean smiled at him.

"You're wrong, but who am I to argue. Loving someone isn't about what you deserve. It is just what is, what will always be. Now, less talking. There will be plenty of that when your brother comes back later for family bonding time." Dean pulled Cas to him again and thought,  _that little motion never gets old._

* * *

The day would be filled with family and every cliched holiday tradition. Dean would manage to squeeze in a little work time on Cas' car, but that would be a task that would require many days of uninterrupted effort.  _Perhaps Kali could help me out with that._  Dean plotted a little and wondered if it would be acceptable to ask. They played music on the record player and ate food until they could have burst. Dean eventually swooped Cas up into a dance and Kali and Gabriel had joined them. The song turned into "White Christmas" and Dean just grinned through it. Sam sat off to the side looking a little lonesome.

Gabriel said, "I would have thought that you would have been on a run by now, Sammy old boy." He added a wink to the end of the statement.

"What are you saying?" Sam got up, though, as though he knew full well what he was saying.

"You know, she won't stand outside waiting for you all night. The future is yours. Make of it what you will."

Sam didn't even change. He just headed out. He took the stairs two at a time and was at the door when he called back down. "Thank you. Merry Christmas."

"Good luck Sammy." Dean called back at him.

"Don't need it. I've got a god, a brother, and angels on my side. I'd say that is better than having luck oozing out of your pores." With that he was out the door. The song ended and Gabriel snapped his fingers. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" flowed out of the player.

"I always liked this one. See you both around." With that Dean and Cas were left alone dancing to Gabriel's song. It was a nice way to be. Dean could imagine living like this forever.

Cas looked at him steadily and asked, "Are you happy?"

"Yes. You?"

"Yes."

Dean would live through those 25 days again and again in his memories now, but he looked forward to the days that were laid out ahead of him. He looked forward to spring time and walking with Cas in the rain. He looked forward to summer and convincing Cas to go swimming. He looked forward to autumn and kicking up red and gold leaves together in front of the bunker. He looked forward to the big moments and the small ones. He looked forward to seeing Sam happy. He looked forward to it all. It had been a Merry Christmas, but most of all he thought that it might just be the beginnings of a merry life.

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading 25 days of me writing. I honestly did not intend for this to be plotty when I first started writing. It was going to just be one-shots of Christmas fluff to get me through the angst I was writing in my other fics. It turned into plot though. It was also a bit of stream of consciousness writing. I wrote almost all of it on the same days that they were posted. I usually didn't have much of a plan for the following day until it was written. That was rather freeing. I owe a bit of thanks to my followers over at fanfiction.net as they offered up the suggestions that became the Santa chapter, the children's nativity, and the existence of NomNom (who was originally going to be a dog).
> 
> Lastly, this story almost took a turn for the angst around chapter 12. I had a plotline cooking around in my head where Dean was not really repeating days. He was just in heaven. I didn't go there though.
> 
> So, if you enjoyed this please leave a comment or a kudo or both. Best wishes to you all, and have a happy new year.


	26. New Year's Bonus Chapter

_Cas doesn't wear a tux nearly often enough._ Dean decides this when he catches a glimpse of him in the bedroom mirror. He had just snapped on the outfit while Dean was putting the finishing touches on his own attire. They matched, which Sam said was sort of sickeningly adorable. Dean threw something at him and made a passing joke about his newish relationship with Pearl. He still thought of it as newish, because technically one could not count the repeating days that only he and Cas had a solid memory of.

Despite the newness of the thing, Pearl had invited them to join her at a party downtown. The restaurant would be in no way exciting if it existed in one of the larger cities, but here it was classy. Carnegie's was bringing in a fancy horn playing band and a crooning jazz singer. At least that was what Sam said when he described the event. There would also be food, lots of it. Dean's first thought was to blow it off. He thought that it might be nice to just stay home alone with Cas, let Sam have his date night on his own.

Then Sam reminded him that he really needed to meet Pearl. It was funny to Dean that they hadn't met yet. He had met her before Sam even, but that was not the way the final repeating day had been. Plus, he hadn't really gotten to know her much during the repeating days, so this meeting was something that needed to happen.

He had agreed to the night out, but seeing Cas in the tux was a true test to his resolve. Who would have thought that a bow tie could be his thing. He stared into the mirror as Cas rummaging around in the space behind him. "What are you looking for?"

"NomNom." He bent down and looked under the bed and then swept a hand under, scooping her out. "There you are." He lifted the kitten up to his chin and smiled over at Dean. His eyes raked over his body in a way that seemed to be approving.

Dean walked over to Cas and straightened his tie.  _Old habits._ The tie was already pretty straight. He ran his hands over Cas' shoulders in a brushing manner as if there was something there that required it. "You know, we could just stay in, give Sammy some excuse." Dean leaned in and kissed Cas lightly.

"Why would we do that? He has been looking forward to this for a couple of days now." Cas set NomNom on the bed and reached out to straighten Dean's tie, which actually needed it.

"You plus tux equals sex. It is simple math, Cas." His lips quirked up in a half grin.

Cas raised an eyebrow. "My attire is hardly impressive. Sometimes I worry about the ways of your mind."

"Oh, I think that we might need to stay in and deal with the troubling issues that you perceive in my mind. It might be a grave condition." Dean sounded ridiculous and he knew it.

"You are a strange man."

"You picked me."

"I don't recall having a say in the matter." Cas kissed him quickly and turned for the door.

"Plenty of fish in the sea, Cas. If you want to go find something better, you just let me know." Dean swung out his hand, fully intending to slap Cas on the ass as they walked, but Cas had better reflexes. He swooped aside and dodged Dean's hand. A simple leg sweep sent Dean to the ground. Cas pounced on top of him, dipped down and took a few moments to fully appreciate the inside of Dean's mouth.

"I think that I will just keep catching you." He smiled and then jumped up. He reached out a hand to Dean and helped him to his feet. They walked out to the main room and found Sam waiting.

"Finally. I swear, you two take forever." Sam was already making his way for the stairs. He was in a tux as well. His tie though was long and made him look like he wasn't trying to match his brother or his brother's boyfriend.

"Your brother does take a fair amount of time getting ready. If he would just let me help, we would be ready for most things far more quickly." Dean scowled a little at Cas while he spoke.

"I hardly remember you complaining before." Dean had rebuffed Cas' earlier offer of help by slowly changing out of one outfit and into the next. Cas had watched the slower effort with clear admiration.

Cas swept past them both and up the stairs, clearly trying to avoid the awkwardness that the conversation could turn to.

They drove out to the restaurant. Pearl wanted to meet them there. She liked knowing that if anything came up with the babysitter or Frankie that she could leave without relying on anyone else for a ride. When they arrived, the restaurant actually had a valet. Dean reluctantly handed over the Impala's keys to the stranger. "You be careful with her." He tried to throw a little menace in his tone.

Sam spotted Pearl right away. She was wearing a long red, satin gown. A simple gold locket rested against her neck. Her blonde hair seemed to glow in the candle lit room. Sam strode over to her immediately. Cas and Dean followed in his wake. "Hey, Pearl." She pressed a kiss to his cheek and then leaned back to take in his followers.

"So is this your family that I have been needing to meet?" She stepped aside and reached out a hand to Dean first.

Sam piped up, "Yep, this is my brother Dean and his boyfriend Cas." She finished shaking Dean's hand then shook Cas' hand.

"Nice to meet you both," she said and returned to the crook of Sam's arm.

"We've heard a lot of nice things about you." Cas stated matter of factly. Dean reached over and threaded his fingers into Cas' hand.

"So, how did my brother manage to find such an attractive date?" Dean saw Sam's eyebrows raise as though he was expecting more comments of a distressing sort.

"Oh, well, he seems to like running through my neighborhood. I had to offer him something to drink, and well, the rest is history.

She lead them over to a far table that she had claimed for them. They were served what seemed like infinite courses during the evening. The conversation flowed easily between them. Dean could see his brother happy with this woman. It warmed him that this was going to have a chance of working. He looked to Cas and felt like he had been given some sort of gift. How was it possible that both he and Sam could both be happy? He reached over to Cas' face and cupped his cheek as he leaned into a brief kiss. "What was that for?" Cas asked.

"I'm just happy," Dean replied.

"So, how did you two meet?" Pearl asked as she leaned onto her folded hands.

Cas smiled and responded, "Dean was in Hell, and I decided to save him from that. To thank me for saving him, he spent countless years subtly flirting with me, staring at me when he thought that I wasn't looking, and then finally, after literally acting like a fool for years for this man, I just had enough."

Dean interrupted him then. "That is some major revisionist history there, Cas."

"Nah, it is really accurate," Cas responded.

"Are they always like this?" Pearl turned to Sam.

"Surprisingly, no. They use to be awful. They really would just stare at each other until the sexual tension just about ripped a hole through the roof. They would go into hard core denial if anyone said anything about them having feelings for each other. It was crazy. Now, they are like the worst sappy rom-com. I swear it is now the most awkward thing in the world."

"Ah, Sam. I think that it's cute." Pearl smiled over at them.

The band started playing and Pearl got up. She held out her hands to Sam. "What?" He asked, although he had to know that she was wanting to dance.

"Seriously, Sam, I want to dance. Don't leave a girl hanging." She laughed and he took her hands and allowed himself to be lead out to the dance floor.

Cas stood next. He reached out to Dean. "You want to dance?"

"Could we make a deal?" Dean was feeling a little overwhelmed by the crowds. He wanted to leave, but he didn't want to disappoint anyone.

"Sure."

"We dance and then we leave." Dean looked like he wanted to leave right then.

"Fair, but you need to tell Sam." Cas took Dean's hands in his. They moved out to the dance floor together. The song was fast. Cas had only danced slow songs with Dean before. Dean flung him around with dexterity. He was actually a skilled dancer, something that Cas didn't know before. Cas seemed to follow Dean's lead with ease, like they had been doing this sort of thing for some time. Truth is he was just use to the way that Dean thought, the ways that he moved. He was able to anticipate what he was going to do before he did it. The horns belted out a loud noise around them and the singer called out his gravelly song to the crowd. They moved and spun out this way and that. The song ended abruptly and applause went up from the dancers, some of it was directed at Dean and Cas.

"We should do another." Dean leaned into Cas' ear and spoke.

Cas nodded. "Works for me." He smiled and the song was softer this time. A woman came up to the mic and started singing of melancholy days and love. Dean stepped in close to Cas and they found a simple rhythm of rocking back and forth, arms wrapped up around each other. When the song ended, Dean walked over to Sam.

"Cas and I are going to ditch you now. I have had enough crowds for one lifetime."

"You sure?" Sam reached out a hand to his arm.

"Yes, can you get a ride home with Pearl?"

"Yeah, no worries. See you back at the bunker later." Sam just smiled at him. Dean left with Cas.

They drove for about a half an hour out into the countryside. "You feeling better out here, away from it all?" Cas rested his hand on Dean's leg. They pulled over. Dean flicked on the stereo and found an oldies' station. He cranked it up and got out of the car. It was "At Last" and he was pretty sure that he needed to pull Cas into another dance.

Cas joined him outside of the car under the stars. The music filled the night. Dean stepped up to him. "Worse part about crowds is that I never feel like I get to just be myself. I never feel like I get you all to myself either."

"We seemed to have fixed that." Cas slipped his hands around Dean's waist. "We seemed to have fixed a lot of things lately quite well."

"Yeah, we make a good team." Dean leaned down and stared at him. The night would feel long and full of promise. Dean and Cas would dance past midnight and forget to kiss again until much later. Instead there was the ever changing songs on the stereo, the stars overhead, and a new year of possibilities stretched out in front of them.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you all enjoyed this. If you get bored, you can find me on Tumblr as [Spearywritesstuff](http://spearywritesstuff.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Drop me a comment or a kudos if you liked this. Thanks a bunch.


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